Miss Revived Part 9

Suz is late for work and about ready to have a panic attack. She scurries around telling herself she cannot afford another breakdown. Literally cannot afford it.

I’ll lose everything again if I lose this crappy job. She thinks.

But this is the harsh reality. There are those out there who would kill for her crappy job. She feels guilty having breakdowns and complaining inside her head. Its just that she thought she would get a real chance, to do something she loved.

She had a chance. A half chance at her past job until the bosses favorite turned on her. There was nothing she could have done differently. The hire who you know somehow applied to civil service. Eventhough civil service should be about equal opportunity, she saw the truth now. A bunch of mostly unempathetic, incompetent, and unhealthy people who knew someone in order to get in. Suz was different. Why? Because she scored high, knew no one, and somehow went against the odds.

They burned her out though. Told her she was too nice, too sensitive, too caring. As a social worker though?! Suz didn’t get the memo she was supposed to treat everyone like an inconvenience. Their empathy was disminished by the idea that everyone was looking for a “hand out.” This attitude created hostility that was often times picked up on by their own brain.

How can people go into a field requiring empathy and have none? How are these people looking for hand outs, when they can barely survive on their wages? How is it their fault the programs to assist them, really supplement their lack of wages? Who wins? Corporate employers who don’t want to pay enough for their workers to survive. She thinks.

But it was all over. There was no going back. Perhaps Suz didn’t want to either. It was draining to be around the brainwashed. She could handle any so called “crazy” in the community, but couldn’t handle the hateful coworker. Now Suz felt like she was back to the drawing board. Back to a mundane restaurant job, without a purpose. It killed her mentally.

All she wanted was to help people. Actually make a difference in their lives. She felt like a servant, not living up to her potential. But still some people noticed her empathy. Her caring nature. They’d thank her for caring so much about a job, that isn’t respected by society as a whole. They would observe through her mannerisms, she was different than most. She radiated love in a crowd of hate. She was unaware of this. She was naive, like a child who never gave up on people.

   Then one day they were able to extinguish her flame. Some days were trying inbetween, ingrained in Suz’s mind. Days filled with the rude customer, the jealous co-worker, the untrustworthy friend, and the unappreciative lover are all culprits in Suz’s life. Those who walk around with their heart on their sleeve; attract more people to please. And not all these people were worthy of understanding Suz. She just didn’t know how to close doors.

But she was calculated survivalist, an introspective philosopher, a soulful storyteller, a secretive singer, and a good listener. A little frame but a lot of hidden personality. For awhile, she’d hide from the world, healing the wounds from the vultures outside. Blaming herself for being in such situations at first, then realizing the people who hurt her were like breakable glass.

What drove Suz over the edge finally, was exhaustion and a lack of faith in humanity. She no longer entirely blames herself now. For years, she dealt with manipulative partners, family members, and friends. The constant guilt trips, belittling, gaslighting, and lack of support finally clipped her wings. And boy did they come off!

Waking up in the hospital was odd fif her. So many drugs in her system, reality felt further than ever away. Suz knew she needed the time away from the world though. To venture into a pill induced zombie state. She ached, threw up, couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t look anyone in the eye anymore. Shame took over her light and brought in the darkness. But Suz never feared the dark. She resided in the depths of it most her life. She tried to fight her way out of it most her life. But there was always some villian; ready to end her streak of favorable outcomes.

She weeped in pity for them. She weeped not because she was a victim too much; but because they never bothered to truly understand her. And deep down, she felt like she could try to understand a different perspective. She still had helpful intentions admidst all the forgiveness she granted. She was a lover, not a fighter, but fighting a world full of fighters. Until it became too exhausting, too much to digest.

She’s resorted to kindness instead in troubling situations and no longer had seen it as a weakness. Assertiveness if all else failed. The attention seeker, the homewrecker, the drunk, the fake friend, the manipulator, the stalker, the womanizer, the bad influence. She sees them all now for what they are; projectors. Projectors, projecting their problems onto other people in hopes of feeling less of their own reality. Like a drug, Suz felt like her energy was drained by these types of people. The other problem was they found others like them. Others who echoed their destructive behavior, or even reinforced it. And shame is less likely too, when people echo your bad behavior. Most of them avoided shame.

Suz often felt she had to deal with the effects of seeing people for who they were at a point in time. She was saddened by what they could be. She would think:

Everyone has a story of why they feel the need to cope in destructive ways. Instead of facing the reality though, they choose fantasy. I don’t know why I can’t escape into fantasy land anymore. Haha. I’ve sunken too far into the depths of despair. 

But at the time, Suz didn’t realize it was what ultimately created her character. All the things she suffered at the hands of others only solidified herself in the end.

 

I Tried

I’m done

I tried

Can’t keep it all inside

You betrayed me

To keep your own pride

Flickered the lights

Then told me it was just my eyes

Told lies

That magnified

Inside my brain

Then if I complained

I was insane

You threatened to refrain

From love

How could you play this game?

Tell me you love me the same

You changed

I’m the same

Gave everything I claimed

I could

While it was never enough

To keep your clutch

on my heart

I’m torn alart

You chose to gaslight me

Rather than tell the truth from the start…

 

 

I’ll take no blame

I loved you the same

I always loved you the same…

Before and after anyone came

Maybe I’m a fool for thinking you could do the same

Thinking you could do the same…

Just another disposable lover

Another disposable lover to you

 

Keep playing your mind games

You’re proving your one in the same

Like all the gaslighters

Manipulative cowards

You put all around me

Then hoped I’d be too blind to see

Draining all my energy

For the sake of lying about the past

so cowardly

I don’t lie to your face

You don’t deserve me

And my affection

Until you change your energy

I was never the jealous girl

You made me out to be

Broke my heart

Watched me fall apart

Over lies you said from the start…

Don’t want to talk

cuz the gaslighting has stopped

I’m sorry I’m done trying to pick the lock…

To your heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Skinny Shaming

They whisper sometimes. Other times it outright rudeness. It seems socially acceptable to pick on, annoy, stare down, or make the skinny girl uncomfortable. She can handle it, right? She has had it so easy her whole life fitting into size zeros. So let’s make her insecure, right?

Eat a cheeseburger. Shhhh she must be anorexic (lol like I can’t hear). What is she a size zero? Real men want curves. She must be on drugs. Does she eat? Must be nice to eat whatever you want. I used to be your size. You’re like a stick figure. Geez your feet are small. Put your hands up to mine. Hahaha! Midget! Gosh you’re small.

Enough already. Stop shaming women who are not curvy. Stop telling us we are unhealthy when our doctor says we’re normal. Skinny shaming is unacceptable. Would it be okay if I walked around telling everyone who is overweight, they have an eating disorder? Because binge eating is an issue for some. Lack of exercise is as well. How many people a year die of heart disease? So it’s okay to shame those who are a normal bmi? I have had co-workers, friends, family, and strangers make me uncomfortable about being small. I’m just expected to take it. I’m just expected to laugh it off, ignore it, join in on making fun of myself, or have empathy for those who are overweight. Oh that’s terrible you can’t lose weight. Oh I’m sorry I don’t have that issue. There are limited reactions I can give. Underneath all the layers of bull crap conversation; there is envy.

If women especially want to act as if they want to empower all women then stop hating on skinny women. Stop excluding them from groups, bullying, and partaking in behavior to make another woman insecure. It’s repulsive, unattractive, envious, rude, and can have damaging effects on who’s being shamed. Skinny people don’t always have it well. They get picked on too. Is it hard for you to see that? Is it that difficult to have empathy for a woman who could relate to being body shamed? The truth is, when each of us looks at another woman; we think of what they have that we do not or we admire what they have that we do not. It is that simple. Why not admire someone else for being different than you? Why not see the beauty in everyone, including yourself? Have respect for all body types is what I often hear, but the attitudes towards skinny people like me says otherwise. It says they have it so good, let’s make them insecure. If you have to play games with another woman’s head to feel like the stronger woman: you are really weak in character.

 

Validation Rant

The recent Facebook issues raises an interesting question: what boundaries should we have on social media? Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think it’s okay for a friend of mine on Facebook to install an app, and somehow my information is compromised. But if you have hundreds of friends you don’t know: I think that’s silly. It’s like asking for more spam, bots, fake profiles, an unfullfilling feed, and a lack of boundaries.

I think this points to an issue with how we operate on certain social media platforms as individuals. We all have choices. We also have the option of the mute, take a break, or block button on Facebook. We don’t have to add just anyone either. We have many options people don’t utilize to customize their experience. I get it though, some just don’t care. Some weren’t even aware how to check which applications have permissions on facebook until now. By any means, no one has to take Facebook seriously either. But I caution those who don’t. You’re showing a lack of concern for your information being taken and a lack of boundaries.

Depending on how you operate, it also sends a message to others. You could be one of those people who likes everything, adds everyone, and has zero boundaries. But if you add anyone, everyone will start to add you. If you have no boundaries, you’ll attract the same. If all you care about is the number of friends you have, adding hot men/women, the number of likes you have: you have an insecurity problem. And you’re also more likely to attract the phony confident online type. Or those who are secretly looking for validation through the wrong behaviors. Likes produce validation for some but at what cost? Why do people care if a stranger they never met likes their post? Why do the numbers matter over who related to it? Some platforms even make it possible to buy exposure in order to achieve more likes. As a result, those with less money have less exposure. Some of these voices remain discouraged. However I want to remind people out there perception is key.

I find it more meaningful when likes come from close friends and family, than from a stranger. I don’t care if you see I have 30 friends on Facebook. I don’t care if no one likes my post. I don’t need hundreds of Friends. I don’t want requests from strangers. They creep me out. Deciphering whether their an ex stalker, bot, fake profile, or information seeker is an annoyance. The last thing I’d do is add them and add to the fake profile problem or have my information stolen.

I guess what I’m trying to say is Facebook has flaws but people also need to think about how they operate on the platform as well. Not caring is like putting trust in the site and every stranger on it. Caring is setting boundaries, knowing settings, reporting fake accounts, and reporting those who break policies. With the way the I operate on Facebook, I definitely have less of a chance of being compromised or compromising anyone else.  Considering my list has 30 people and I know my settings well, I feel safer. I don’t have the desire to have my ego stroked while looking at how many friends I have. I don’t desire meaningless likes from strangers. I say what I mean, don’t care about appealing to popular opinions, fitting in, and find people respect you more when you don’t seek validation through the internet. Validation comes from yourself. Most become addicted to social media because it rewards the brain instantly. Taking on a new hobby instead of spending hours a day on social media would be more beneficial, right? Sharing things you create or do, has more of a reward. Finding real things to do in life, keeping up with responsibilities, and paying attention to the right people in life is more fulfilling long term. Don’t forget you have a choice with how you spend your time and how you fill the void in your life. We all are always seeking validation but it is how we do it that effects others and ourselves.

He Came to Me

He came to me like a parted sea

Saved my soul from a catastrophe

Now I have to be strong

Show him who I can be

As the past tries to reclaim my new territory

And I’m not perfect right now

eyes aren’t open enough to see

But deep inside I know you’re for me

And they can say no knights in armor exist

But I could never forget your kiss

Even before I had to run to exist…

I still ran to you

Could not resist….

 

He set me on fire

And you put out the flame

But I’m Feeling so guilty

You took on part of my game…

Sorry I was weak in the beginning

A little insane

But you gave me wings

So I’ll do the same..

 

He came to me like it was all a dream

I couldn’t believe it

Thought the world was bitter and mean

My eyes couldn’t appreciate what it had seen

So shellshocked in delusion

Fear had me doubting constantly

It wasn’t you dear

I felt like why would you save me?

Conditioned to hate myself by someone else

Hearing their voice tell me:

He’s better off without

It was a reflection of my own self doubt you see?

All I ever want is your love

Live happily..