To the Broadcaster Who Told Me To Kill Myself

I hope when you read this your empty grin turns into a grimace. I know it will. Despite apparently having so much self proclaimed “relevancy” you seem quite angry. Why are you so angry if you have everything then?

By the way, when you send the money to my mother to “pay for the abortion she didn’t have” (obviously me) originally; make sure you send some love with it. (Sarcasm) Oh wait? You can’t because the only thing you seem to care about is affecting people negatively for fun & acquiring more material objects. I watched you on a live stream orchestrate the harassment against me by using fake accounts. And it was a funny coincidence my Twitter was hacked that evening as well.

Such a sad attitude to have wasting all your talent and destroying your image. Such a sad close group you have echo chambering your vile behavior. If they actually cared they would have wanted to see you be a better person. But of course, instead you have handed over moderation to these kinds of people. A disappointment. And it isn’t just you who is conducting in this manner. There are many like you honestly.

I know you display some naracisstic qualities so I’ll clarify as well I am not writing this because I’m “jealous of you.”  I’ve dealt with sociopaths, naracissts, and unfortunately I know how they operate. Trust me, I don’t envy someone with an inability to show empathy. My intent is for me to get this overly negative weight off my shoulders that you placed upon me; someone you know nothing about what I’m going through. And quite frankly if you knew what I’ve been through and what I am currently going through; my defensive reactions to your tactics would make more sense to you. My point is:  I truly believe some of us have endured unimaginable things more than others. Some people really cannot comprehend what it is like to try to mend those things unless they have been in a similar situation. Nor would I want them to. I don’t want anyone to suffer through severely traumatic experiences. I am just saying keep in mind you don’t really know people online and you don’t know their story if you never asked.

I just hope you do realize I am human being behind the keyboard with family and friends who would miss me. I think most of us have someone who would miss us if we gave into suicide (I hope).  I feel as a whole with social media, people have forgotten when addressing one another, we are actually addressing a real person. I see people calling each other names constantly, making up things on one another, and now I see more and more physical threats. I also see more kill yourself comments. Especially in this political  atmosphere. Do you want to make it so laws have to be created surrounding online conduct & actually be enforced? Keep acting like an animal behind the keyboard then.

I can say even if I dislike someone, I have more restraint with my words than most online. My particular recent “bully” can’t say that because of a lack of patience. Nor people like this. They wear it like a badge of honor when it’s nothing to be proud of. And usually if these people have children, they try to teach this attitude to their children to carry on into society. What kind of example are you setting? I secretly hope their children realize that kind of attitude won’t work in life for the long haul. I hope they try to not be like bad influences, even if those influences are their own parents.

It isn’t okay to walk around in the world putting others down because you’re “relevant” at that time and have influence. What happened to respecting fans? What happened to appreciating fans? I see less appreciation the larger some people become. As if they think it will last forever and they let their ego run ahead. But I have bad news for you: when upcoming talent creeps up on you, you’re going to become irrelevant with that kind of attitude. Just keep that in mind. There are kind AND talented people out there who will create competition for you. Why create your own downfall?


My Thoughts on Charlottesville

It may seem silly to focus upon monuments but it needs to be addressed. If these monuments are now going to represent certain ideologies currently, is their meaning changed? Should historical context only matter? Should we honor a monument that doesn’t represent modern societal views, for the sake of honoring history? What do people want to happen to these monuments? Should people accept the notion “life was different back then and most owned slaves.” I’m going to dig into this a bit deeper and ask the questions which make most people uncomfortable. They need to be addressed like I said, by someone, somewhere, at some point.

Let’s think of an example here. Well, in the future when most of us have deceased and more than likely “something” will be legal on a nationwide basis that previously wasn’t; ask yourselves if that “something” being illegal in some states in the past would be justified by saying “well it was different back then.” I have thought about this and I believe, there is no good to come out of making excuses. Especially when it encompasses something as significant as human rights. I understand how these monuments can sort of trigger rage in people of color, and also those who believe is basic human rights. I agree, some of these monuments represent people who had some racist views or sort of were careful about not exposing their views on the matter. Which can lead one to believe they were hiding racism potentially as well. Either way, racism is not mainstream accepted in this country. Period. Doesn’t matter what color is being racist to what other color as well. Most people who witness racism are disgusted I would hope and display that in some way. It is immoral behavior in my opinion and as a whole nation, I think most would agree.  That’s why everyone here has rights, despite their skin color. People of color now have opportunities they once did not have; which is what they should have had in the first place. These sort of “fringe” KKK, Nazi-like groups are giving a bad image of America to the rest of the world and perhaps even spreading the hatred the more attention they receive. Should they just be ignored? Should we take Tina Fey’s advice, eat cake and stay inside, instead of partaking in these rallies? Maybe if it is going to involve all these fringe groups showing up and physically assaulting one another and breaking the law mind you. She also brought up a good point when she had said the Indians at standing rock were attacked a lot more than those who were in the street inciting violence and carrying actual weapons. I agree. I personally did not feel standing rock was handled correctly. And I will remind people as well, just because I may have voted for someone, doesn’t mean I see eye to eye on every situation with them. That is why I actually classify myself as an independent thinker, something very few people can honestly say nowadays.

In Charlottesville, I do not think this event was properly prepared for. If you want to say the fringe groups do not have free speech, and the rally should have never existed, I have to disagree. Even though I really do not like Antifa or the KKK, I cannot stop them from expressing their views or my own free speech could be jepordized. Unfortunately, the best thing to do is unite on a fundamental set of beliefs that we as a nation can agree upon and try to make these fringe groups lose power.

I will also point out in Charlottesville, there were hardly any barriers. It seemed based upon footage I have seen, opposing sides had to directly walk by one another with no law enforcement in between. Why? I honestly think prevention is key. It seems that kind of lack of planning as well was a recipe for disaster! And I am in no way directly trying to blame law enforcement, for we need to have respect for those who protect this country, but something needs to change with how things seems to be not be planned for. This clearly was going to have the potential to turn violent. Was that not thought of in hindsight? Did we not learn from Berkeley? Yes, Berkeley was Antifa against Trump supporters, but they were lighting things on fire, inciting violence, and attacking people based upon who they voted for? Accountability needs to be dealt to those who deserve it handed back to them after displaying such disgusting behavior, regardless of what group it is. Strip it down, it is ultimately the behavior which is uncivilized.

I also would like to touch base upon James Fields Jr, the man who plowed his car into the crowd. James Fields Jr, was allegedly violent years before this event towards his own mother. Sources speculate, his mother called 911 after he pulled out a knife on her. Now if all of this is indeed true, this man had some severe mental health issues that should have been addressed so he could cause no harm to himself or others. I have seen the mother be blamed for him being out of control, but I need to remind people, she did reach out for help it seems several times. And she is not directly at fault for her son’s actions; he made a horrific choice. Like I said, his mother did reach out for help. Now I am not directly putting blame upon law enforcement, social workers, etc…but I will speculate more training and accountability needs to happen in order to improve how things are handled regarding mental illness in this country. James, was susceptible to adopting dangerous ideas. According to his mother as well, he was residing in his own apartment. Yes, this man may have been able to take a bath, but clearly inside his mind there was a lot happening. Most people do not run cars into people because they are influenced by a toxic political atmosphere. I believe he was unfit to be living alone with not enough supervision. He perhaps needed a supported living environment. Was there ever a psychological evaluation done on him as minor? We will never know either.

I asked on twitter about what people think should be done with the monuments in this country. Yes, it might seem as if it is silly to argue about monuments but it seems this is obviously running deeper. Perhaps, mainstream media has given too much attention to these fringe groups, thus giving them more power. Anyways, I gave three options: Torn down asap, have some kind of vote, or build an additional monument.  It seemed as if some would like a vote, most would like an additional monument, and very little agree with having them torn down asap. I think we should do whatever the majority in that particular area of the monument desires. If we have to even vote on how it should handled, so be it. The best thing we can do as a country right now is realize how much diversion, distraction, and division is going on currently and try to unite on common values. The only way to achieve this is by listening to what the majority desires to happen. Truly the only way to bring about any kind of peace in the midst of so much tension, is to do what the majority of people obviously agree upon. And I do not believe most people in this country are like the KKK, Antifa, or “fringe groups” or they wouldn’t be “fringe groups.” The reality is: there is untapped power inbetween we must focus upon in order to create unity and defy all of this hatred on either end of the spectrum. I hope you understand where I’m coming from. And I really hope this country will slowly become more peaceful.

Thank you for reading.

Freedom. Does it Really Exist?

Have you ever heard the quote: Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains? A Genevan philosopher by the name of Rousseau once stated this. From the moment I read the quote, it forced me to analyze human nature versus society. Most importantly it made me question the existence of individual freedom of expression here in America.

Like Rousseau, I can easily distinguish a divide between human nature and society. If a human roams freely in nature  they are self sufficient and escape the vice of a political society. The development of society creates a social interdependence, which has negative effects upon the overall physical and mental well being of humans in my observances and research. As a population grows people tend to undergo a tremendous psychological change. They begin to value another person’s opinion as an essential element to their own well being. This creates a sort of pressure to become a person which everyone can accept. Follow a path in which is traditional; college, marriage, children, and death.

It is very difficult in a society of social interdependence to self-love oneself. Instead most people form a sort of fabricated shield of pride. This pride eventually leads a person to compare themselves to another person, this creating a kind of fear or pleasure in the pain of the observing the weaknesses of another. For example, our children could be bullied in school for a characteristic which is unusual or not socially accepted easily. They can almost be forced to mentally change or continue to endure the torment and isolation from their peers. And what do some frustrated parents do with a child whos behavior becomes so “out of control” from the pressure of social interdependence? Some parents chose to medicate their children at a young age, which can have initial positive effects but it seems the long term effects are either not researched enough or researched with a bias. The field of neuroscience and psychology is still discovering new ways the brain functions. We have yet to fully understand the way the brain operates as well from individual to individual, which is a cause for concern in my opinion when it comes to administering proper medications. Paxil originally concealed information regarding the effectiveness and safety of its use, especially on adolescents. The rise in suicide rates in children rose with the prescribing of antidepressants in general, not just Paxil. Eventually, the FDA required black box labels that a black box label be put upon all antidepressants warning of potential suicidal thoughts in children. Outside of America in Canada, the company behind Adderall XR was investigated after reports of deaths internationally sparked attention to the matter. Canada returned Adderall XR to the market, but with the label warning patients with cardiac abnormalities should not take the drug. You can’t help but wonder if the pharmaceutical companies which are testing the drugs, are accurately presenting the information to the FDA. After all, what’s in it for them? Money, money and more money. An incentive to possibly portray information in a more acceptable manner. And is there any oversight when it comes to the FDA? How often are they sort of audited in a way? I am suggesting perhaps there needs to be more oversight in these areas by the right kind of people, who will put lives before profits.

Education as well in this country I would argue is not always essential for the person acquiring it, depending upon their strengths and weaknesses.  As human beings, we are born equipped to gain knowledge through experiencing our environments with our senses. Whether we acknowledge this or not, every single day we acquire some piece of information, even if it is insignificant. There are those out there who are successful, not because of an education but because they acquired knowledge based upon their life experiences and combined this with their natural capabilities and talents. The concept of even learning a trade has become shoved aside by more and more students as well. They believe a university will provide a better quality education, think it is more rational of a decision at the moment,  but with the influx of enrollees this has created a cage for them. Meanwhile, we now have a shortage of skilled laborers in this country but we seem to have well educated people who are lost, frustrated, and have little chance of landing their dream job when there are hundred to thousands of applicants with the same degree. And think of how many cannot afford a home now because of a student loan payment. Yes, there are payment options for some loans out there depending on the lender and type of loan which can make your payment feasible, but if you are on an income based repayment plan it can be difficult to nearly impossible to obtain a mortgage. It seems the student loan payment has sort of taken the identity of being the modern invisible mortgage payment. This not only screws up the borrower but society as a whole, because those with a middle income paying job are in my opinion taxed heavily and feel sort of taken advantage of.  Oftentimes the blame is put upon those who need help, while failing to see the connections between cause and effect over a long period of time.

And all the interest being paid out to private lenders is just going into their pockets mostly. Federal loan interest, we can hope is going towards the community as a whole to better the situation, but do we honestly know for sure? New York State purposed free tuition for those who sign up for the Excelsior scholarship and follow the guidelines. However, the guidelines are strict, and require a graduate to stay in the state for a certain amount of years after graduation. I agree with this requirement, but I also think this scholarship should not even exist in the first place. It will not solve the student debt crisis, only possibly make it worse on some, and create little debt upon others. Why should there be such a huge difference in relief brought to one person versus another, based upon a date? Because ultimately timing is what is determining your student debt factor now in NYS. Those who already graduated now hold the burden, while those who are new to college, are taking advantage in my opinion. And I do not mean taking advantage out of ill intent of course, because who wouldn’t apply that is qualified to but I mean they are sort of not realizing this was funding upon the backs of the previously indebted generation.

In recent times, I must say though there have been investigations into contracted lenders, which has led to the discovery of lenders purposely misleading borrowers. Signing them up for payment plans which were not in their best interest at all, thus creating interest upon interest, capitalized interest, which has added even more debt upon these borrowers. Currently the rhetoric towards those in student debt, seems to be one of “well you shouldn’t have gone to college” or “you’re just a bunch of whiners who need to pay back the money.” But  I beg to differ. The lenders want the public to buy into that narrative, it would of course serve their best interests for people to. Why else? It’s like pitting your well deserved enemies against one another then sneaking away when really you were the villain. Think about it that way for a minute.

Another area I find fascinating to dig into it’s effects on humanity is technology. As much we love technology and don’t get me wrong it has the ability to do wonderful things in the world; but when it comes to its general day to day interactions with the average person, it can be unhealthy. We carry our phones around constantly, feel the need to be connected to something through social media as much as we try to deny it. Even if someone takes a break from social media, all too many times I see them back into the groove a week later. This has to do with pride in materialistic things and also a desire to compare oneself to another. Whether that be comparing what you own to someone else’s property, comparing an occupation, or simply comparing as superficial as it sounds; physical appearances. Technology makes all this comparison possible. All this constant connection possible, which in turn keeps us wanting new products, thus making the industry incredibly lucrative. But honestly, can we say our own country has benefited from this thirst for technology the most? Honestly I believe we cannot. With the exception of some items, a lot of our manufacturing now is done in China. The population of China is very high and physical space is even limited. These “extra” people (as probably viewed by those who put profits before people) are great for companies that are wanting to take advantage of cheap labor. Of course we cannot be angry at the workers, for they are only doing what they can to survive their own conditions. They are indoctrinated into a similar cycle as we, dependent upon a job for survival under the pressures of population growth. Trying to keep their head above water, while more heads pop up and the water is being drained. All the while, the rich are getting richer, while the poor remain poor. A perfectly crafted business plan which only benefits those who created it.

So ask yourself now if you are truly free in America. Because it ultimately depends on what your definition of freedom is. Think about your everyday life. Do you feel free with the routine? Do you feel as if you have the right to make decisions without the invisible puppet strings upon your hands? Do you feel as if a more powerful force is in control of what opportunities may come your way? Do you feel as if you can truly say your opinions? We either live to work, or work to live. And ultimately that depends on what opportunities come your way and whether those opportunities coexist with what personally makes you content. The odds of this are realistically slim. And no person can truly just make the decision to stop working if they are able, because survival would be difficult. Retirement would even become difficult. A person’s social security would be definitely affected with a lack of work. But truly, what is retirement? It is sort of going back to a childlike state in my opinion, free of most responsibilities.  Free to wake up and do as your heart desires. I remember as a child feeling the most free that I ever have, running through field of wildflowers and corn all day. I had no responsibilities and time was not a factor in my life. A clock was not always ticking in my head as it does now. I didn’t wear a watch or care to look upon one. Nature excited me and gave me the will to wake up in the morning as simple as it sounds. But truly, I personally felt at peace with my surroundings and myself. Now, I can only hope to someday ironically return where I began. It is as if we work our whole lives to acquire back the freedom we once had as children. As people we are essentially born free just as Rousseau said, but why does it feel as if our surroundings require us to work our entire lives until death, especially now more than ever to acquire it? And is it truly possible right now for most to achieve the American dream anymore with the amount of wealth equality currently going on in America? I see so much misdirected anger towards one another, but the truth is most people are struggling to achieve the American dream.

Thank you for reading.




13 Reasons Why I Dislike 13 Reasons Why

1) It promotes suicide as an option to teach people a lesson about bullying in my opinion.

2) It promotes secretive revenge rather than communication.

3) It was geared towards a young audience that cannot decipher a positive message from the book/show.

4) It was read in schools, which I find inappropriate.

5) I had to read it for a college level psychology class, just to realize obviously it can have a very negative impact on the youth. I wish I could have read half of it, then actually read something worthwhile. Haha

6) The message is left up to the reader to determine and isn’t as positive as Jay Asher thought, once he read his critics commentary. He wrote a second one to make it more positive.

7) There have been suicides after this book was read/show watched.

8) It promotes a victim status as an okay way to carry yourself.

9) It rarely focused on Hannah’s strengths; rather focused on her weaknesses.

10) It offers no realistic solution to handling bullying.

11) Other books rarely get attention but this one has gotten more than it deserves in my opinion.

12) They used celebrities in the show which adds even more of an incentive for younger audiences to watch.

13) It puts guilt just upon the bullies only, when realistically Hannah also had some mental health issues if she planned something like this.

I Thought You Were Cool From Afar

I thought you were cool from afar

But as I got closer I could see that scar

You’re hiding

Like it’s not even there

Oh why do I always seem to care

About everyone but myself it seems

Always eager to please

Until I feel I’m forced to leave

In order to keep my sanity


Oh why oh why do people choose tradegy

When the sun is right there

And all they have to believe

Is we all are just entities

Full of anomalies

No one was created perfectly


I thought I had you figured out

Collected all the pieces thrown about

clock struck twelve and I went to bed

Then all the dreams of you twisted my head

Like a piece of metal,

bullet made of lead,

But I clenched my pillow

Somehow came to reality instead….


Oh why oh why do people always choose tradegy

When the sun is right there

And all they have to believe

is we all are just entities

Full of anomalies

And no one will ever be created perfectly



Impressionable Youth..

What happens when the impressionable youth gets on the internet and becomes influenced by bad influences? It obviously depends on what content is being supported on the specific platform they engage on. As well as what is being tolerated outside of the policies in order to obtain a profit to be quite frank. A sort of unspoken, unexplained, sometimes extremely biased code of conduct that is enforced with some and not with others is what I find to be happening.

Too often I see things “trending” that are conflicting with a sites terms of service. The most common issue I see let go is sexually suggestive content. It is almost as if some sites assume everyone wants to see it . I see so many thumbnails with body parts, that I have to inquire based upon policies: how are the broadcaster thumbnails alone not sexually suggestive (esp on younow & periscope)? Please enlighten those who don’t want to see this behavior though. Those who actually think there should be healthy boundaries and terms enforced.  I understand people have the right to be themselves, but where is the line drawn? Depends on the site in my opinion. It should depend on the terms of service but the terms should be reasonable and not infringe on freedom of speech. Obviously if a site was a cam girl/guy site it is to be expected. But on platforms which allow even fourteen year olds to join & stream without identification? I find this honestly disturbing. Where are the mainstream so called feminists on this? This area does need advocacy. It promotes the idea to too young girls (and let us not forget guys too) that competition can be physical alone and not intellectual. At a young age this kind of thinking could have serious mental health effects to come and stunt someone’s personal growth, regardless of gender. Who wants that? People who don’t connect with empathy and don’t think about consequences on the youth perhaps? Those who are enablers? Whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have the best interest of the youths mental health in mind; which is why we see social media in general having a negative impact on mental health. Certain people are honestly saying whatever they please, and misleading their followers. We can’t simply ignore the issue, say the youth should be able to handle criticism. We can’t lump the issue into a clean cut easy narrative of people being oversensitive. There needs to be more digging  into why people feel a certain way before a solution can be crafted. Do we want alot of the youth to continue to be misled by bad influences? I’d think not, so discouraging and not supporting destructive cycles would help.

Think of how many single parents households are out there too. How many kids are not supervised enough, and imagine the impact. If you came from a relatively normal family setting, try to picture the opposite. I am not blaming people either, the cost of daycare is outrageous and things happen which lead to divorce. So I am not seeking to offend anyone struggling to afford care and work. That is the last idea I’d like to portray. And if it makes anyone feel better, there is also the reality that even with a two parent household; one income still isn’t enough. It can be challenging to be a stay at home Dad or Mom nowadays. It seems to be a rarity. Both incomes are usually needed in a two parent household to survive. So perhaps the younger generation now, having access to the internet at such a young age, finds it instinctual to go to the internet for attention. How is it possible to provide and give attention? Truthfully sometimes it is not possible and children and adolescents become influenced by whatever the current “norm” is.

Technology also has become something kids now interact with when it comes to toys even. It’s ingrained in the mind technology can satisfy your every desire. Everything is geared towards seeking an interaction towards something that is influenced by technology; whether anyone wants to admit it or not. And I am not trying to blanket technology or the internet as a disruptive entity. Some attempt to do so but when push comes to shove you can’t blame the knowledge that is obtained; but you can  blame what a person  does with that knowledge. That is the kind of insightful idealogy that should be promoted. Too often we think of robots attacking humans, but fail to realize we could end up in our own robot suits. The advantage of that in combat, in constructing buildings, when it comes to getting old; are positive impacts we should think about as well. There are positive things happening every  single day with  new advances. Even the arts have been influenced in certain directions. Music has evolved into EDM and you can turn an average photograph into a masterpiece with just a phone application. It is no wonder young minds are drawn to their phones, computers, and don’t engage in the world like those in the past did without it. With this sort of interconnectedness at all times, more attention needs to be paid towards what we are letting lead by example. As consumers, audience members, viewers, we do have power over what can influence the next generation. Perhaps more than we think. We are only as powerless as we think and sometimes words are the best defenders.

Thanks for reading..


Playing with the Minds

Your conscience definitely needs a resurrection

And I don’t care about where your came from

I care about your destination

Your words are as empty

as a blank proclamation

Written down in invisible ink

So no one can see your demoralization…

You keep thinking you’re stepping on the weeds…

When you’re stepping on the flowers you can’t see…


Regain some empathy…

So we all can be…

Not be drained by giving you all our sympathy

As you say our names with a false tongue..

You still think you have my words unsung…

When I found the noose around my neck..

And I ripped it off, became unhung…

Oh, your psychological warfare

could be compared

to a sort of psychological domination…

Not a uplifting foundation..

Yet you claim the bricks were laid so right

Just put the ego away for tonight

Cry yourself to sleep for everyone you had to keep

From caring about you….


You people think it is all a game..

Playing with the minds of the innocent

And always avoiding the blame…

Playing the victim, while calling the real victims insane…

Stop trying to spread hate,

when your heart needs to be reclaimed


Your conscience definitely needs some attention

You avoid all mirrors…

And strive for the wrong affection

Enablers always lurkers about

asking for reassurance

When they should self reflect

and avoid being a negative interference

Now hold on while I destroy all your delusions…

Cuz’ your words keep giving me brain contusions…

You try to get everyone to buy into your illusions…

Meanwhile you won’t admit you live in your own confusion

Yet I’m the fake one but you need a love infusion

You’re like the kind of guy who will always back up

his own conclusion..

Don’t laugh at this now

You created a negative intrusion

And now ironically you don’t want to hear it

You ain’t lit metaphorically

The fire will become so hot in your reality…

So stop spreading it around like it’s a wildfire

If you don’t want to be called out

for telling people they are some kind of squire

Why don’t you sit down and be humble for a change…

Stop making people walk into your unnecessary  blame…

Leave the innocent out of it and don’t quit out of the game

When you started it, and I hope all your fame

Runs dry

And your analytics go bye

Don’t ever step to the children

Or I’ll make you cry…


You people think it is all a game..

Playing with the minds of the innocent

And always avoiding the blame…

Playing the victim, while calling the real victims insane…

Stop trying to spread hate,

when your heart needs to be reclaimed