There Is Nothing For You Here

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There is nothing for you

There is nothing for you

Here, anymore

There is nothing for you

There is nothing for you anymore

You grew into a bore for me

After awhile I had to see

It was all your inebriated fallacy

That’s why you were drawn to me

Deep rooted envy

Of the light you wanted to be

So now there is nothing for you

So now there is nothing for you

No more

You’ll have to watch from a far

Me break away from all the scars

You embedded inside my head

 

You put your hand over my cries for sanity

You told me you weren’t filled with vanity

Why’d you have to make me have to chose me?

Why did you play this game, rather than just let me be?

 

There is nothing for you

There is nothing for you

I tore myself into two

So now there is nothing for you

I took my shirt off my back

All you did was attack

What was left of me

Your wretched dichotomy

What you think you are

doesn’t come close to the reality

of your own mundanity

Your self-created hierarchy

in your own head

is a travesty

to all the good men around

You see?

 

So now there is nothing for you…

There is nothing for you

Go away

You turn my skies blue

With all the games you play, you fool.

 

Thanks for reading! ❤️(Photo by me as well).

Wandering Eyes

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I thought I finally found my home

Then you left me feeling alone

Crying with my broken bones

Afraid you would hear me

Go ahead throw your stones

But can i ask:

Where oh where did the man I love go?

Did he ever exist?

Or was it all just going to be a blow

To my head?

To a head

Already filled with lead

As words from the past

Still haunt me in bed

Telling me I’m as good as dead

To you

Such a fool I was to not protect the few

Pieces I had left of me

Now I see

I wasn’t free

In your arms

couldn’t let it be

The fabricated story

While all the girls around could see

You never would love someone like me

Eyes so cold

Always wandering

for the next prize to be

feeling so stupid now

I expected you to be…

sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Stones-Part One

She was a sweet girl. The kind that would love anyone not even worthy. She was loving at some point, but in a dangerous manner. Which resulted in her being preyed upon in her younger years by some of the worst of vultures. An easy target once with her lack of understanding of the world; but now thats changed.

The world has become painfully real. She observes behavior for what it is. That is what is killing her inside now and she knows it. So many vultures in the world, that she aches for a rest. Moments where she could just close her eyes and catch up to the present, by facing a brutal past. She never felt like she had rest. And one night, her need for rest came, but in the strangest of forms.

“Come here.” A voice whispered.

But there was no one there at first. She kept ignoring these voices for months. Thought it was just her depression going through a cycle. Perhaps worsening then later improving. Until he appeared one terrifying day. A man without a face and bag of stones. He left her two stones with eyes painted upon them. She screamed, like any normal person would have.

“Go away! Go away!”

Her mother rushes towards her, shocked at what she is witnessing. Her daughter, cowered in the corner, as if death was upon her.

“Do you see it? That thing with the bag of stones? Do you..?!”

“There’s nothing here. It’s alright… it’s.. hunny!” She calls the father.

“Yes?! What is..”

“Call 911, grab my jacket…our daughter is in trouble! Quickly!”

“But mom, I don’t want to go anywhere. What are they going to do to me?”

“I will be right there with you. Nothing is going to happen to you. We just need to figure out what is going on hunny.”

The ambulance is flying to the hospital as if she has just been in an accident. Her mother is more nervous than she. The empty face man is staring at her in the corner of the ambulance. Just staring, freaking her out silently. She’s afraid to tell her mother how long they have had this secret staring contest. Sometimes she would wake up to him levitating above her.

She knows it must be scary for people who can’t see what she sees. It feels like she is nothing but a burden, with a broken mind. That her alive inside too.

“Almost there hunny. Hang tight.”

“He’s sitting there. He’s calm now.”

“Okay. Good.” Her mom responds, realizing her daughter might have a long term relationship with this thing.

Of course they order scans of her brain, to rule out any possible tumors or other abnormalities. It all comes back negative. The faceless man still finds corners to just sit and stare at her in the meantime. Smiling, still carrying his creepy stones.

Is he admiring me? She thinks. Does he hate me and want me to torture me? I’m so confused. Is this some kind of symbolic breakdown? Is he all the messed up people I have loved? What is he to me? 

All these IV’s are being started again admidst this chaotic mess inside her head. Everytime she is poked with a needle, the faceless man smiles. He seems to enjoy watching her suffer.

What a sick thing?!  She thinks.

Her mother and everyone in the room is looking upon her as if she is some kind of experiment gone wrong. It only adds to the stress, but she doesn’t blame them. This is like living in an alternate reality, only certain people have experienced. She doesn’t even think the devil deserves it, as she watches her tears fall, and the faceless man grin some more.

 

You Won’t Meet the Past Again

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I hope you are happy now

I hope you can make it alone

Every woman that tried to love you

Is out in the rain, drenched to the bone

I hope the road is paved for you

Rather than as rocky as mine

I hope you find the perfect woman

Just don’t wrap her in twine

But I have a funny feeling

You won’t meet the past again

She was too sweet to go on

Playing your pretend

Cuz’ she wanted reality,

instead of the fallacy

created inside your head

To avoid seeing the hell she’d see

As she cried in bed

Feeling used and abused

As the next option, you fed

All the lies about her to

Giving others the lead

But I hope you remember how much you hated yourself

before anyone else

Even tried to love you

I hope you remember someday

When her face finally turns blue

How much she tried to give to you…

When she had nothing

Nothing at all

As you helped orchestrate her undeserved fall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To the Narcissist Who Never Really Existed

I feel like I’m left with the realization I loved a made up person. It’s sad, but the version of yourself in your head doesn’t exist. You love bombed me. You bought me things I could never afford, knowing it would mean the world to me. You called me your wife, flaunted me around, took me places, and made me feel alive. But I realize now, it was all about you. It was all about you looking awesome with an attractive woman you objectified behind the scenes. And when you bought me clothes, it was because you didn’t like my funky style. You wanted me to dress like a banana republic commercial. Before my surgery, it was all about you being able to play video games ten hours a day, without helping me with anything. And when I had surgery, you left me alone more than ever before when I needed you the most. But no one would think so, because you played the savior role so well. I called myself ungrateful a lot of the time, but I knew you never truly cared, and that’s what hurt the most. You were incapable of love. It wasn’t my fault. It is just the painful truth.

When you realized I started treating you differently to protect myself: you resented me more. You ignored my needs, belittled me often, would get drunk, and always try to push my buttons. I would always accept the blame for everything, but you said I never did. You also told me I lie about everything, when I had been more honest than you. You lied about past flings calling them friends, lied about them knowing about my existence, and lied about the dumbest crap until every word out of your mouth was empty. You painted me as jealous to other women and even embarrassed me by sending them texts about me. Rather than hearing me out, you let your own past experiences, paint me in an ugly manner. I couldn’t combat it all. I felt betrayed. And the more I caught wind of why the women in your past acted the way they did, I realized: you had no respect and empathy for women. You wanted to do as you pleased, while having a loyal woman at home. It doesn’t work that way. Sorry.

But I beat myself up for you, tried so hard to get my love back, as I was living with a ghost. You died inside my mind as I would drink to forget I was fooled. You fooled everyone too. At the concert we went to, you whispered for me to hold my urine when I was in a wheelchair. You wanted to go “mingle.” I felt sick after that and so alone. I felt like a replacable burden. I felt like an animal getting ready to sit in my own pee, because no one cared. You cared so much until you had to put effort back, right? I was so sad, and you didn’t even notice. All everyone saw was me looking “crazy,” just like you intended.

For months before surgery, I cleaned and cooked, trying to bring normalcy to a toxic environment. But you pulled me down with you. I played cheerleader until I was so drained I didn’t even want to see the sun.  So congratulations! You “won.” I couldn’t fight anymore at some point, nor should I of had to that much.

I remember the night I had enough. I remember seeing all these admirers I didn’t know. They were in awe of my courage and it gave me hope. Finally, I had hope. Hope was something you couldn’t embrace. And that’s when it hit me: hope was all that mattered to me. Having someone around to tell me to keep going, that I will walk again, better than ever. Having someone tell me I will be loved even if I needed surgery. Having someone who protected me from those who wanted to hurt me in my vulnerable state. I hope you will never know how I felt in such an emotionally and physically vulnerable state. I don’t wish it upon you. Even though I feel such anger for my unnecessary suffering, no human being deserves to be conditionally loved. We all will face health issues at some point, so I hope you find someone who will love you so much, that no obstacle could ever get inbetween the bond you have. I hope you learn how to love someday before it’s too late. ❤️

Can’t Believe You

I can’t believe you, playing victim to

Every chick that’s into you

Most be nice to fool,

everyone into thinking you’re cool

But this ain’t preschool

setting some ground rules

Dare to cross the boundaries I set

You best better bet

You will wake up, always in a cold sweat

Cuz I’m the lady you go to war with, not against

By the way, you sleeping without any rest?

Hope your brain can’t make sense

Then they ask you questions to test your intellect

Like you did to me when I was under enough of your distress

you are full of nonsense

Bringing in all the evil into this world, hellbent

On breaking the luminous spirits, that are sent

To protect your victims

To protect your victims

Better repent to yourself..

 

One mistake

And your fate

Will be trapped inside four walls

And every woman safe

So come and find me

I’ll put an end to your misery…

Watch them put the cuffs on

While I’m proud to be me…

 

I can’t believe you, playing a victim to

Everyone who will listen

but they ain’t hearing you

I hope you realize, you’re a tool

They act like they care, then talk crap about you

The kind of people who need a new world view

But take every chance to misconstrue

Every aspect of themselves

to look like an angel

Then run like hell when the devil sits at their table…

Acting like they’re better, for creating a fable

Groups like this, are really unstable

Y’all need to sit in a corner until you’re able

To stop projecting your crap on each other, like enablers

And anyone who cares, has to turn the tables..

But I might just tip the thing over when I’m able

Keep poking the lion, find out if she’s capable?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It Will Hit You

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It will hit you

all of the love

I showed to you when I had nothing left

As you said I would never be enough

I bet if I had won the lottery

A lot of people would still be at my side

Some people use you up

And when there’s nothing left:

Act like you never tried

But the truth is,

You’ll never know the pain I hide

I can only relate to those cast aside

So don’t mislabel me with a kind of arrogant pride

If anything I point out my own flaws and reflect inside…

 

So many flying monkeys everywhere

So many flying monkeys and I don’t care

Go take your antics elsewhere

They won’t scare me, hear?

Cuz’ I’ve already had my name dragged through the mud

Been betrayed by the only person I truly loved

This wasn’t a game to me

I told you I would rise above

Now you can all watch from the sidelines

Try to live your life without love..

 

It will hit you

All of the sadness

You caused me to try to shift blame

for all of your madness

No, it wasn’t up to me to cure your home filled with blackness

You let the monkeys in

So it’s only you who can combat this

But go on, continue the game

You’re all starting to look one in the same

Think you’re winning

but behind your back

All your “friends” call you insane

Then if you confront them

They shift shame

Sometimes turn into amnesiacs

But I’ll counterattack

You can’t exhaust someone who has been off a beaten path

Better be ready, count your money

It won’t last

 

So many flying monkeys everywhere

So many flying monkeys and I don’t care

Go take your antics elsewhere

They won’t scare me, ya hear?

Cuz’ I’ve already had my name dragged through the mud

Been betrayed by the only person I truly loved

This wasn’t a game to me

I told you I would rise above

Now you can all watch from the sidelines

Try to live your life without love..