To Help Survivors ❤

How long will you let them control you? How many years did you sacrifice worrying about the people who did not worry about you? How many nights did you cry silently because you did not want people to yell at your tears? How many years went by where you couldn’t focus on yourself because you spent nights waiting for their arrival in fear?

It is time to wipe those tears and embrace what you were always afraid of: giving up on the people who gave up on you. And it isn’t going to be easy reprogramming your mind back to where it was before it all happened. And perhaps, it will never be the same. But know, you survived like a warrior. You came out of a battle some people do not survive and some people will never comprehend. And it isn’t your duty to explain yourself, your reasons for staying, your reasons for going back, and your reasons for loving the people who could never love you back. Forgive yourself. For you had tried to face another person’s demons while facing your own. While trying to survive an already cruelly set up world. And in all the darkness, you brought a light. One so bright, it attracted the lost souls out of the darkness. It was not your fault. And trust me, for years you thought it was, rummaging through self help books, videos, and picking yourself apart to pieces. A task few people attempt to do for a lifetime. In the end, you realized you were not perfect but you were nothing like those who hurt you.

So shine my beautiful survivors. Shine so bright that the world can see you are every color of the rainbow. Shine from the moment your eyes open to the moment they close at night. Even if it hurts to try because you are so exhausted by now. You owe it to yourself more than anyone in this world to realize who you are: a survivor and not a victim.

Now She’s Gone

         Poof! Now she’s gone! Like the song by Felt no one ever knows she references. At least she can admit an ex introduced her to the band, rather than act as if she found it herself. Desiring to look cool to possible dating prospects. Ha ha. Go right ahead, add that one to your playlist as well. Like the other songs she tried to listen to, that you didn’t let her, and post to your facecrap so the next woman can think you can terrific taste in music. More like her taste in music. Rainbow kitten surprise, Kasey Musgraves, Theo Katzman, Chet Faker. The list could go on. I am sure she will eventually see a mutual friend of yours on facecrap post pictures at one of these artists concerts with you. Just know she won’t be jealous. It doesn’t work. She will always find music, venues, and people to hang out with. Go see the bands that are no longer at their prime like the Counting Crows, or ones you had already seen a decade ago but cannot remember for reasons I will not say. You don’t even have the motivation to find your own taste in music. That speaks volumes.

       So go ahead you can try to replace the now ex Fiancée with one of the many women you kept chatting on the side, while acting like you were ready to settle down. Any woman would have seen it as a red flag. And let me make this clear, go ahead with your smear campaign; but she is not a pedophile accuser. The replacement though is nineteen years old and you are in your late thirties. People will judge but you two are perfect for each other. She lies about having a boyfriend, has no self respect, attention seeks and is immature. By the way, so cool to act as if you were always platonic friends, when the reality was far from it. So cool to invite ex dating prospects to events. And “just chatting” with them late hours of the evening while knowing you would be upset if your now ex Fiancée started doing the same.

        Oh, dare I mention the infamous line? “Oh, I would beat a guy if he pet you.” Meanwhile, letting your now ex Fiancée watch your double standards, deep rooted in misogynistic, alpha male stereotypes. You think she was dumb, huh? Not dumb, but maybe dumb for loving you so much she put up with things no normal woman would have. The truth is: she loved you since she was nineteen years old and first laid eyes on you. She saw potential. But as ten years past, you decided to just give up on yourself. Decided to not contribute to society or do anything to better yourself. Instead, it seems you gave up while expecting some kind of miracle to save you from yourself?

         Was she supposed to be that miracle? After you told her she expected people to take care of her, while she went through extensive surgeries? Did you think it did not hurt when you assumed she was a “golddigger.” She worked full time during college, after college, and up until she had to do surgery. Basically since she was sixteen years old. God forbid unseen health circumstances arose that she had to address. So kind of you to judge rather than listen. So kind of you to literally regurgitate her previous abusive exes insults and continue to imbed it into her head? Didn’t think of the fact, you might be reopening wounds rather than leaving the scars she healed alone. And let’s not even get into the fact your own resume hasn’t looked great in ten years, but you were perfectly abled bodied. Throw your stones while living in a glass house, right?

        And one must ask: how many other women were supposed to be a life changing miracle for you? How many ended up hurt? Why do you think it is fair to expect so much emotional support while treating women as disposable once the honeymoon phase wears off? You think telling everyone your exes did to you what you really did to them  isn’t going to be figured out? You think you have people fooled but really the joke is on you. And it is not a funny joke to actually live the way you do. It is sad.

       All us past women once had faith you would tell the truth when asked, but after repeated lie after lie; the trust was gone. You expect to build a solid foundation off of no truth. She had to see with her own eyes your lies to wake up. And when she saw undeniable evidemce: you lied again. Gaslit her like the nineteen forties movie. What was next? A flickering of the lights, then telling her she was seeing things? No one deserves to live that way. No one. Not so you can maintain your façade. She wanted to live in truth, not lies.

      But what really sticks out and probably always will is the way you purposed. The casual handing over of the ring in the car, then the infamous line: “nw you can rub it in my best female friend’s face.” She wishes she could replace it with anything else. As a child, she envisioned a man at least getting on one knee and muttering four words. Such an expectation, right? She knew she was right in feeling like a pawn in a game riddled with jealously inducing antics, based upon your own insecurities. It was as if she wasn’t even a human to you. It was as if you failed to see how embarrassing it would be to explain to other people how you purposed. But looking back, she now sees it as a blessing. She now sees she was lucky to have not married someone who couldn’t even get on one knee like a gentlemen and say four words. Someday, when she finally finds a man who kisses her forehead at night, never wants to see her shed a tear, and actually wants a real commitment, you will probably think: I wish I never let her go. But she won’t try to remember you by then. She will create memories she deserves to have with someone who deserves her.

You Only Dry the Tears in Your Eyes

I hope she’s worth all of my scars

But she’s just like you

So you’ll end up back at the bar

Collecting them all

Like they’re monopoly cards

Make sure to give her my pearls

Tell her she’s like the stars

Then shoot her down with your comet

Send her off to Mars

Won’t even admit

The spilt came from far

Before that night

When you drove my car

And it felt like I was with a ghost

While my own engine couldn’t start….

 

All I wanted was to hold you

Take away your pain

But I couldn’t hold onto you

And stay sane

So many people want to blame

When the cycle keeps going

They just chose to be the same

 

I hope it’s all worth hurting me

She’s just like you

So go ahead

And throw away years of our history

Could of had a fairytale everyone could see

But I still can’t believe the way you purposed to me?

Didn’t even bother to get on one knee

Told me to tell your friend

Make her angry with jealousy

I didn’t know whether to cry or feel happy

Felt like I was just a pawn in your game

Now I see

It was never going to become reality

So many wounds

But I’d rather be

Alone, than lay down with a lie

Who can never admit they hurt me?

And only dry the tears in their eyes.

Sad Man

Sad man

Sitting in his castle

Sad man

Causing everyone a hassle

He’s got his shiny car

His expensive taste

But his brain can’t stay in one place

And this sad man can’t handle rejection

Convinces himself he’s absolute perfection

Doesn’t care what he says comes with his own lesson

He has yet to learn

But now its your turn

To feel my pain

I have everything to gain

Without you

 

 

Not being around you

Is a dream come true

Have fun with your stuff

And all of your blues

Was just afraid of dying a dead fool

For ever falling for someone like you

 

 

Sad man

Driving down the street

Sad man

Looking for people to meet

He’s got his nice clothes

Delivers the love bombing greet

But when it wears off

He can’t keep the heat

So emotionally incomplete

Stomps out any love beneath his feet

Chooses power and money

Can’t see his own defeat

Can’t put his ego aside

For every woman he’s beat

 

 

So sad man

Take your life plans

Start burying your head in the sand

Because you are nothing without love

You are nothing without love.

Miss Green Eyes

Must be nice trying to bring me down

Must be nice trying to cause a frown

You serpent of a woman

Shedding your skin so you can win

But left the pieces you were hiding in

So green with envy

You blend with the grass

Biting my ankles

Trying to poison me last

But love gave me the antidote

So you can’t quote

My last words

As your own

 

 

Miss green eyes

It’s no surprise

You hide in disguise

With all your lies

Trying to devise

My so called demise

With all your misplaced pride

Oh, Miss Green eyes

You’ll just lose with time

 

 

Must be nice trying to play with my mind

Must be nice trying to upset me with your line

You dog of a woman

Barking so loud for his attention

While I sit in his house, without you mentioned

If he wanted you

You wouldn’t be a lesson

So green with envy

I could cut the tension

But go ahead keep barking up at my tree

I’ll just stare at down at you

From high in the branches, see?

 

 

Oh, Miss Green eyes

It’s no surprise

You hide in disguise

With all your lies

Trying to devise

My so called demise

With all your misplaced pride

Oh, Miss Green eyes

Women like you

Always lose with time.

Long Days

Long days

Nerve pain nights

It’s alright

I hold on tight

To my own hand

As I always have

Trying to command my destiny

With my feet buried in sand

And all these voices say

It’ll never be enough for some

Painfully, they’re right

That’s why the night

Slows down

That’s why the night always slows down

 

 

But I’m tired of the frowns

Tired of people trying to put me down

I’m already crawling on the ground

But safe and sound

Inside my own mind

I promise

In time

I will leave it all behind

 

Long days

But it’s alright

I hold on tight

To what I have left

An ounce of confidence

And a bunch of time

To make mine

It’s true

Some stay blind in madness

Some create substance

While others look on

Fearful of their resilience

From now on

I’m not giving you the power

For more than an hour of my day

More than an hour of my day.

Surgery-Related Thoughts…

They think they know her; all that she’s been through. They see a pretty face and assume it brought her everything in life. As if she was born into an easy existence. But no, she was a nerd. Horribly picked on, humiliated, and alone most of her life. Thrown into lockers, marching in band, and reading to the other students.

But now some want to deny her pain. Judge based upon the last couple years of her life without listening to the whole story. So silly are they to think she lived a life of poshness? Furthest from the reality. Living on ramen, trying to get through college on her own dime was the real struggle. It felt good. I was once standing on two feet, until they literally gave out.

So it’s funny when people fill in the blanks of my life. A life where everyone has always taken care of me, you say? That would be nice. One where I just dove into endless hobbies everyday without any responsibilities? That’s nice, but realistically most Americans can’t afford such a thing. Most end up filing bankruptcy after job loss, medical bills, and unexpected circumstances.

So why were so many envious and judgmental when I got sick? When my legs decided they couldn’t move anymore? It wasn’t a vacation, with a margarita, and a unicorn floatie. It wasn’t a four star resort being in pain all hours of the day.

“Must be nice to take time off for surgery.” Must be nice to be able to work and not have your life interrupted by immense amounts of pain. That’s sarcasm seeping from my pores. Instead of being happy for me finally facing an inevitable surgery; some were judgmental or envious.

It showed me what some people really thought of me. It also made me realize how financially stressed people are, and how well they are at hiding it. I wish you all suffering, peace and understanding. Someday, someone will hopefully give you a perspective that causes you to be more compassionate.

One thing for sure, the perspective this surgery has given me on how important it is to not judge has been momumental. Those who stuck by me, cared for me, and empathsized: outvoiced all the negativity. They pushed me to keep going through the physical and mental pain. They watched me cry, laugh, and walk again. They showed me who I want to be again when I have two feet to stand upon, literally. And for that, I thank you.