Don’t Come Back to Me

IMG_20180715_212003_910.jpgWhen your mouth can no longer

Swallow your own words

Don’t come back to me

When your ears can no longer hear anything but regret

Don’t come back to me

You lied to me

I had to leave vulnerably empty

Left with an emotional dichotomy

And now it feels like I am a particle of dust

Getting stomped upon by all your bluffs

But who ends up never having enough?

Who ends up attracting only lust?

 

You must have thought I was too tired

To get up and leave

You must have thought you could say anything to me

Well how did it feel to lose control?

Had to lie about who really left

to keep playing your role?

Now you act scared of me

as you dig your own hole?

Should be scared of yourself

No one else…

 

When your thoughts can no longer make sense out of all your unhappiness

Don’t come back to me

When you can’t sleep because dreams of me repeat

Don’t come back to me

You looked in my eyes

With such animousity

Left me alone

So you could drown sorrows

in a bottle of whiskey

Hope the narrative you spin

Crushes apart your reality

Then maybe

Someone can finally

break down your fallacy

I tried

Until it almost ended me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Buy Their He**

IMG_20180705_184443_763.jpgDid the sky open up yet?

Did it tell most of you narcissists, you’re God yet?

Did you put enough people on back up? (I bet)

To tuck away then bring out to play (like a set)

Of golf clubs

I’m spent

From running fools like you in circles

I’m bent

Trying to make you see the cycle isn’t worth this

I’m sent

To help those who observe it

My motives are chosen from a life  of being broken

Trying to counteract the lack of compassion being spoken

find all those still hoping

The world will change

And not be stolen

By the narcissists…

The narcissists

who want us to soak in ourselves

Try to buy their hell

let our brains swell

with arrogance..

Try to gain some kind of clarity

From a created fallacy

But It’s insanity, you see?

To be afraid

to see your own reality

And be proud to stay an illusion of everything you ought to be.

 

Thanks for reading! You all make my day! ❤️

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t Lose Hope

IMG_20180705_190506_819There are some of us who believe a lot said to us. We care about what you think about us. We walked this Earth at a young age, alone, seeking acceptance, love, adoration, and things we did not receive. We couldn’t rely on family to support us in childhood, because they were too busy fighting their own battles. They were too busy trying to fix themselves to notice we felt so alone. We don’t harbor resentment, but rather realize it for what it was and accept it. But admidst all the lonely youthful years, I realized I may be part of a lock and key generation. A generation that walked  themselves to school and came home to an empty house. Everything always felt empty. I know there are others who feel like this, feel like no one understands, but I do. I do so much. Just know you are never alone in how you feel. Somewhere, someone else is waiting to talk to you, listen to you, and relate to you. We think our experiences are inherently unique, but they are not. We want to believe sometimes, the world is just cruel, but there are some who want to combat the cruel world. Don’t lose hope. Don’t let people make you lose hope. Be the light against the dark. Listen, love, and live empathetically. ❤️

The Waters

IMG_20180706_164435_725.jpgShould have just left a long time ago

Now I’m feeling stuck

like I’m below

The waters

trying to save myself from a flood

Slowly coming up to my front door

And everyone is watching

Gossiping

Or trying to prey upon

What’s left of me

Thinking I’ve lost my sanity

When actually

I had a euphony

A voice telling me to save me

Drop the key

To your heart

Because I can’t save

Someone who wants to fall apart.

 

Thanks for reading! (Photo is by me as well).

 

 

 

 

 

The Narcissist’s Game

Narcissists will destroy you, if you let them. They come in many forms: parents, friends, aquaintances, and/or romantic partners. They seem to lack awareness of their own behavior or if they are aware; they don’t feel much empathy.

I am by no means a psychiatrist, psychologist, or even a counselor. I am just an observant person, who has also been around narcissists her whole life. Unfortunately, some of us attract these kinds of people, were perhaps raised by them, and/or had unfortunate experiences with them. All of this, can shape an unhealthy perception of self for the real victims. It is difficult to cut off a narcissist, but sometimes it is necessary in order to preserve the self. If you cannot cut the person off, I suggest trying to use the grey rock method. It is as it sounds; appearing like a boring grey rock, so eventually they will become so disinterested, they will find a new supply. If it’s a friend, in my experiences, they’ll start perceiving you in a negative light almost immediately. They will find a new friend to exhaust. If it’s a close family member, they might communicate less often, considering you are no longer a good supply.  If it’s a romantic partner, he/she will think the grass is looking greener on other pastures. They oftentimes already have several potential partners lined up, so when you wake up from their nightmare, it’s easy for you to be replaced. Their cycle is love bomb, demean, then discard.

Narcissists are quick to pick apart other people, without looking at their own actions. They use tactics such as the cold shoulder, dismissiveness, deflection, gaslighting, projection, demeaning, and/or passive aggressiveness. At first, the target tries to make the narcissist happy and is most likely unaware of their tactics. Since the narcissist cannot supply themselves, they feel they must manipulate other people to fulfill their needs.

Oftentimes, it seems the narcissist suffered from a traumatic experience, abuse, and/or neglect a young age. After suffering, they have difficulty accepting and giving genuine empathy. It is as if empathy has been defined by the distorted perception of it, and continues to be throughout their life.

Unfortunately, a truly empathetic, giving natured person easily assumes the role of being the supply because it is an ideal situation for the narcissist.  Sometimes the person could be an empathetic and vulnerable person. The mentally ill, disabled, previously abused, all make great targets for a narcissist. But if the supply wakes up to the psychological games: this can turn any loving feelings into sadness. It is a form of betrayal that is so hurtful when recognized for what it is: dehumanizing.  You feel as if someone looked at you, shallowly, and decided you aren’t worthy of being treated with respect. The empathetic mind cannot fathom this thought process, nor does it have any self esteem left to be able to not blame itself. So use to having their faults magnified by the narcissist, they cannot see the deflections or pettiness in some situations towards them. Everything always feels like their fault. Thoughts of not being enough, feeling objectified, and feeling emotionally neglected starts to wear down the victim.

Overall, these kinds of people emotionally abuse you and/or physically abuse you, because they cannot love themselves. But ironically, everything is about validation for them. They seek outside acceptance, but oftentimes hurt those closest to them. It’s all about appearing in a certain socially acceptable light. The mask they wear must be maintained by any means possible. If you challenge this: they will only try to further minimize you. They will sacrifice friends, family, and lovers just to hold onto their own false perception of self. It’s really a pity to operate like this because it does not achieve bliss, but a self constructed fallac bliss. But of course, they most likely will blame the supply entirely. Why? It’s easy for the narcissist to blame others for all their bad decisions. And sometimes, I pity them because they can blame other people in their past for not being a good example. But i believe deep down you are either an empathetic person or you are not. People like this can change and break cycles, but it takes an event, or a person who can deconstruct their false perceptions of self to do so. The narcissist must be ready to listen not defend, ready to love not hate, and ready to face the darkness within themselves. So if you are around a narcissist or someone who displays narcissistic qualities, take care of yourself first. You may have to come to the painful realization this person will most likely not change and it may be best to move on. No one should have to sacrifice their entire emotional and/or physical well being, for the sake of another person to maintain a false perception of self.

Thanks for reading. I love my readers and supporters. You mean more to me than you will ever know. ❤️

 

 

 

 

 

 

Random Past Relationship Realizations….

She sits there, remembering everything he said that made her feel inadequate.  Such an “advocate” for the abused, right? Watching the news, acting like Harvey Weinstein is the biggest piece of garage, then hypocritically calling some women just bodies. The last couple of boyfriends seemed to be this way. I always wanted to say: Hey dbag.. everyone has a personality and isn’t just a body. It might be hidden beneath some layers, but it’s there. I always wanted to speak up and say this, but no. I felt like I was under a hypocritical, patriarchal, trance of bull crap. Projections, deflections, gaslighting, all could make for a good relationship (that was sarcasm). The real question I had: was it that difficult for these kinds of mentally unavailable men to love anyone? The answer: Yes. No empathy for anyone, really. That included themselves. Hatred secretly spewing, looking at their reflections.

It was not me entirely, but I would tell myself this at first. Like a lot of abuse survivors. And for years, I would beat myself up in relationships with these kinds of hypocritical men. Being an empathetic, easy target. Easily telling myself everything was my fault like they would. Really believing it too.

These fallac kind of “gentlemen” are so good at having absolutely no accountability. And they are so well versed in making themselves look perfect, while painting their victims as the “crazy” ones.  They are the ones who pose as a gentlemen in public, but belittle you behind closed doors. The guy who will do anything to maintain his image, even if it means losing unconditional love. So you realistically end up with two choices: you must, tarnish your own name and mind, full of self hatred, guilt, shame, while his offenses should require self reflection. Also continue a brainwashed state of mind, a people pleasing attitude, deal with double standards, and one sided expectations. Or you stand up, even if it means not knowing where you’ll live, put your stuff, and if you can ever recover. That takes a lot of courage. To decide, I am worth getting away from the person I love. It is as if they spiritually die and a part of you, dies forever with the idea of them. Then you are stuck with a piece of you, you must turn whole again yourself. But you know, you don’t regret trying to love the unlovable because the opposite would be to just give up. And maybe I think there’s something special left in the world, when someone carries hope in some of the most hopeless of situations.