It Seems

It seems

You think you can run from the past

But you see

It ain’t no breeze

Being a version of my dichotomy

No class, just brash

I wish you’d study some psychology

Look up narcissist

You don’t fall far from the tree

Putting down the empathetic ones in your vicinity

Acting like I will fall for your gaslighting toxocity

But I see

Had me walking on clouds of dust

Afraid to fight for me

But I will always be enough

To the ones who chose love over your fallacy

Good luck being a diamond amongst the roughs

Don’t ever at me

Until youre ready to call out your own bluff

I’ve done enough introspection for both of us

You don’t care about the pain you caused all of us

Trying to act tough

Oh, trying to act so tough

Ohhh yeah, I’m free

Feels nice no one can bother me

Ohhh yeah, I’ll be me

Feels nice no one around to blame me

And it seems

You think you can ruin all of us in your clutch

But you see

you ran into the trap you set for me

Now youre stuck being a part of my anthology

Maybe someday you can get your clout in my biography

And I know you come back around

Just to read like a clown

Lift up your bottle

then put it down

Trying to act like you don’t shoot rounds

When we were a step away from wearing crowns

But go ahead, play in the playground

I might show up for a showdown

But I’ll just smile back at your frown

Because you never were able to hold me down…

Ohhhh yeah

I’m free

No one around to bother me

Ohhhh yeah

I can sleep

No one around to not care about me

Ohhhh yeah

I hope your dreams

Wake you up to no sight of me

Ohhh yeah

You cut deep

But I still have the best parts of me

Still have the best parts of me:

Me. 💜

Lookin’ For the Queen?

Y’all lookin’ for the queen

But she dropped that

Ain’t no princess either

So stop that

I was just trolling

Whatcha think about that?

Little fire breathing gang

Can’t even write crap?

Their out here with their fake glocks back

But I could lift em by their ears

Til they cry in my lap

I can’t hear you?

But I really bet

You’re out running your mouth

Drunk, on those percocets

So go ahead & play your one song set

Got you trapped with my iced net

Now it’s your turn living with debt

I see the sweat pooling around your neck

Think it’s so funny after we met

Just once, you tried to make me fret

Decided to act like you know me

Based off the internet

Didn’t realize my will power was a threat

Better take your little dragons to the vet

Overdue for a checkup I really bet

Had to hate, instead of have a duet

You’re like the Cardi B’s, I’m like the doja cat’s

Go ahead, light that cigarette

You’ll need the nicotine

If I show my silhouette

I wish you would unplug your ethernet

Your fans can’t even say the alphabet

Grown woman, attracting a teenage mindset

Trying to bully those with any social etiquette

I’m like the mp3 of the future

While you’re still a cassette

One thing for sure

You better go turn in your range rover

Cuz the repo man is coming for your four leaf clover

So lucky, you didn’t do plenty

Sitting back, trying to write rhymes

Spelling hunny, hunty?

So go pick up a dictionary,

before trying to make fun of me….

Hot mess, thinks she’s the best

Cuz she’s got a game face smile & big chest

Only will get you so far, so give it a rest

Overplayed like a boring game of chess

Fire breathing, but she ain’t seeing

She’s attracting the ugliness

She claims to not believe in

Any competition, and she will get even

Instead of supporting, she’s an angry bein’

Half the time it’s for no reason

Got her little hackers in the back, scheming

To keep her on the top,

But I wait for the treason

That’ll expose her as a fire breathing demon

Made us all feel so cold,

But it’s you who will be left freezing

It may be spring,

But it’s not your season. 😋😙😉

Crossroad

IMG_20190222_204807_362.jpgThey all said they would never leave

Now she’s in her own company

Crawling on her knees

When all she did was try to please

In the end

Had to choose her own sanity

They all said she was a beautiful sight to see

Now she’s hiding, so let her be

Holding onto serenity

All she did was try to lead

Them back to sweet reality

 

Now she’s at a crossroad

Few will ever know

It’s cold, but there is no snow

Now she’s walking into the dark

Few dare to go

It’s scary,

But she already knows how the wind blows

 

They all said they would leave

Now she’s handing back the keys

Feeling stuck inside, with no breeze

All she did was try to please

But in the end

Owing them fees

They all said she wasn’t good enough to be

All they could love in sanctity

So she went away

And now they follow, afraid to see

What she becomes with some clarity. ❤

Blindfolded Hypocrisy

Trauma fueled fire

Finding my own desire

Can feel my heart beat

Like a million fires

Can’t quit

This attempt to fit

All the molds

They wanted me to be

All the perceptions they wanted me to see

Distorted my mind into a fantasy

Smiling right at me

So all I have left is a story

 

Oh, blindfolded hypocrisy

Just can’t let me be

Oh, blindfolded hypocrisy

Trying to capture me

But everytime I crawl away

With a piece of your reality

 

Trauma filed day

Avoiding the triggers that may

Haunt my dreams it seems

To the end of May

Sweating through my clothes

Hurting all my bones

Trying to walk before I can crawl

So sick of it all

Trauma filled day

Yelling at my feet

They never were complete

Like two mutant creeps

Unable to fall asleep

Hands on a controller

My virtual consoler

The outside world feels like a boulder

Waiting to crush me

And some days all I can see

Is them laughing over me

But when I stand

I won’t let this be

I won’t let this be.

 

To Help Survivors ❤

How long will you let them control you? How many years did you sacrifice worrying about the people who did not worry about you? How many nights did you cry silently because you did not want people to yell at your tears? How many years went by where you couldn’t focus on yourself because you spent nights waiting for their arrival in fear?

It is time to wipe those tears and embrace what you were always afraid of: giving up on the people who gave up on you. And it isn’t going to be easy reprogramming your mind back to where it was before it all happened. And perhaps, it will never be the same. But know, you survived like a warrior. You came out of a battle some people do not survive and some people will never comprehend. And it isn’t your duty to explain yourself, your reasons for staying, your reasons for going back, and your reasons for loving the people who could never love you back. Forgive yourself. For you had tried to face another person’s demons while facing your own. While trying to survive an already cruelly set up world. And in all the darkness, you brought a light. One so bright, it attracted the lost souls out of the darkness. It was not your fault. And trust me, for years you thought it was, rummaging through self help books, videos, and picking yourself apart to pieces. A task few people attempt to do for a lifetime. In the end, you realized you were not perfect but you were nothing like those who hurt you.

So shine my beautiful survivors. Shine so bright that the world can see you are every color of the rainbow. Shine from the moment your eyes open to the moment they close at night. Even if it hurts to try because you are so exhausted by now. You owe it to yourself more than anyone in this world to realize who you are: a survivor and not a victim.

Now She’s Gone

         Poof! Now she’s gone! Like the song by Felt no one ever knows she references. At least she can admit an ex introduced her to the band, rather than act as if she found it herself. Desiring to look cool to possible dating prospects. Ha ha. Go right ahead, add that one to your playlist as well. Like the other songs she tried to listen to, that you didn’t let her, and post to your facecrap so the next woman can think you can terrific taste in music. More like her taste in music. Rainbow kitten surprise, Kasey Musgraves, Theo Katzman, Chet Faker. The list could go on. I am sure she will eventually see a mutual friend of yours on facecrap post pictures at one of these artists concerts with you. Just know she won’t be jealous. It doesn’t work. She will always find music, venues, and people to hang out with. Go see the bands that are no longer at their prime like the Counting Crows, or ones you had already seen a decade ago but cannot remember for reasons I will not say. You don’t even have the motivation to find your own taste in music. That speaks volumes.

       So go ahead you can try to replace the now ex Fiancée with one of the many women you kept chatting on the side, while acting like you were ready to settle down. Any woman would have seen it as a red flag. And let me make this clear, go ahead with your smear campaign; but she is not a pedophile accuser. The replacement though is nineteen years old and you are in your late thirties. People will judge but you two are perfect for each other. She lies about having a boyfriend, has no self respect, attention seeks and is immature. By the way, so cool to act as if you were always platonic friends, when the reality was far from it. So cool to invite ex dating prospects to events. And “just chatting” with them late hours of the evening while knowing you would be upset if your now ex Fiancée started doing the same.

        Oh, dare I mention the infamous line? “Oh, I would beat a guy if he pet you.” Meanwhile, letting your now ex Fiancée watch your double standards, deep rooted in misogynistic, alpha male stereotypes. You think she was dumb, huh? Not dumb, but maybe dumb for loving you so much she put up with things no normal woman would have. The truth is: she loved you since she was nineteen years old and first laid eyes on you. She saw potential. But as ten years past, you decided to just give up on yourself. Decided to not contribute to society or do anything to better yourself. Instead, it seems you gave up while expecting some kind of miracle to save you from yourself?

         Was she supposed to be that miracle? After you told her she expected people to take care of her, while she went through extensive surgeries? Did you think it did not hurt when you assumed she was a “golddigger.” She worked full time during college, after college, and up until she had to do surgery. Basically since she was sixteen years old. God forbid unseen health circumstances arose that she had to address. So kind of you to judge rather than listen. So kind of you to literally regurgitate her previous abusive exes insults and continue to imbed it into her head? Didn’t think of the fact, you might be reopening wounds rather than leaving the scars she healed alone. And let’s not even get into the fact your own resume hasn’t looked great in ten years, but you were perfectly abled bodied. Throw your stones while living in a glass house, right?

        And one must ask: how many other women were supposed to be a life changing miracle for you? How many ended up hurt? Why do you think it is fair to expect so much emotional support while treating women as disposable once the honeymoon phase wears off? You think telling everyone your exes did to you what you really did to them  isn’t going to be figured out? You think you have people fooled but really the joke is on you. And it is not a funny joke to actually live the way you do. It is sad.

       All us past women once had faith you would tell the truth when asked, but after repeated lie after lie; the trust was gone. You expect to build a solid foundation off of no truth. She had to see with her own eyes your lies to wake up. And when she saw undeniable evidemce: you lied again. Gaslit her like the nineteen forties movie. What was next? A flickering of the lights, then telling her she was seeing things? No one deserves to live that way. No one. Not so you can maintain your façade. She wanted to live in truth, not lies.

      But what really sticks out and probably always will is the way you purposed. The casual handing over of the ring in the car, then the infamous line: “nw you can rub it in my best female friend’s face.” She wishes she could replace it with anything else. As a child, she envisioned a man at least getting on one knee and muttering four words. Such an expectation, right? She knew she was right in feeling like a pawn in a game riddled with jealously inducing antics, based upon your own insecurities. It was as if she wasn’t even a human to you. It was as if you failed to see how embarrassing it would be to explain to other people how you purposed. But looking back, she now sees it as a blessing. She now sees she was lucky to have not married someone who couldn’t even get on one knee like a gentlemen and say four words. Someday, when she finally finds a man who kisses her forehead at night, never wants to see her shed a tear, and actually wants a real commitment, you will probably think: I wish I never let her go. But she won’t try to remember you by then. She will create memories she deserves to have with someone who deserves her.

You Only Dry the Tears in Your Eyes

I hope she’s worth all of my scars

But she’s just like you

So you’ll end up back at the bar

Collecting them all

Like they’re monopoly cards

Make sure to give her my pearls

Tell her she’s like the stars

Then shoot her down with your comet

Send her off to Mars

Won’t even admit

The spilt came from far

Before that night

When you drove my car

And it felt like I was with a ghost

While my own engine couldn’t start….

 

All I wanted was to hold you

Take away your pain

But I couldn’t hold onto you

And stay sane

So many people want to blame

When the cycle keeps going

They just chose to be the same

 

I hope it’s all worth hurting me

She’s just like you

So go ahead

And throw away years of our history

Could of had a fairytale everyone could see

But I still can’t believe the way you purposed to me?

Didn’t even bother to get on one knee

Told me to tell your friend

Make her angry with jealousy

I didn’t know whether to cry or feel happy

Felt like I was just a pawn in your game

Now I see

It was never going to become reality

So many wounds

But I’d rather be

Alone, than lay down with a lie

Who can never admit they hurt me?

And only dry the tears in their eyes.