Miss Revived Part 5

“Well we’re done with the park and it’s getting late. What now? Should we find a random pub? Have a couple for old times sake? You really haven’t had a couple in peace. Our first excursion wasn’t the best, thanks to your old friend. Heh.” Cheryl said with a concerned voice.

They enter a local pub around the corner. Mostly full of middle aged workers, having one after a long day. It felt out of place but in a good way to Suz. She wanted to challenge her overwhelming fear of uncomfortable situations.

“You look like you need to talk, so shoot!”

“Truthfully Cheryl, I don’t think people understand me right now. I felt like I was under a microscope for years now by someone. I didn’t leave the house. You know why. You know my situation after situation the past few years was like. Like an A&E crime show episode. Except I statistically should be dead. I’m like the survivor who shouldn’t exist. There aren’t many of us to this degree. I don’t expect people to not think I am crazy. I act like an agoraphobic, bipolar,  empty vessel right now.” Suz admits with shame in her voice.

“But you are aware and awake somehow. You are fighting internally for your own identity back. Maybe I know more about it than you think, thanks to my mother. I’m sure just like she did, you still hear his voice and everything he said to demean you over and over. Like a drunk at a jukebox, playing the same song over and over. Except, it’s in your head and no one even hears it or knows. And if you told them, you’d be labeled schizo by ignorant people who aren’t psychiatrists. I know. It’s a common issue after extremely controlling relationships actually.”

“It feels like someone beat words into my head to the point where I could only think about myself in the manipulated way they wanted me to. All for control. All because of either fear or envy. Why not just love? Why is love not good enough for some people Cheryl?”

“Suz, I don’t know. But I do know it’s something inside of themselves that desires more. The ego drives a lot of beings in this world. That’s why it seems so dark. I feel humanity has to reconnect with certain things to salvage their empathy for not just one another but this physical planet and everything upon it. You bring that kind of light to this world. Even when you feel dark. That’s intense for those who are halfway there from your kind of transcendence.”

“You outdid your last compliment. I need to hang around you more. I’m really not used to this at all. Being complemented, being able to socialize, get into the car without the feeling of wrongdoing. I wish I could embrace it all better and not seem unappreciative. But I’ve forgotten what it feels like to receive real help and love. I want to remember right now, but I know time is the only thing that can help.”

“Indeed it is. You have to reconnect with yourself. Stop worrying about everyone else. You’ve done that enough to lift others up, but what have you done for yourself Suz? I say you draw a bath when you get home. Watch something you like for a change. Do something for yourself. One day at a time.”

“Sounds good to me. I don’t remember the last time I did anything for myself. You’re right but I still feel selfish.”

“Rid of the shame. Your heart will beat better without it. And go watch some Gabor Mate. Find anything or any voice that contradicts his annoying, looming one inside your head. Think of it like reprogramming. I’ll see you tomorrow or the next day. Soon. Take care of yourself tonight, Suz.”

“I will.”

That night Suz ran a bath, polished her nails, watched all the things people around her didn’t show interest in. She was self indulgent. Noticing every scar upon her body, remembering what happened while washing it away.

How could I have let this body suffer so much?! All those who came before me to bring me to this  moment of time. I owe myself and them more. She thought.

 

 

 

My Way

Am I proving it to myself or them?

Either way, I don’t care who doesn’t comprehend

My ways

Thoughts are glazed

you got my trapped in a fabricated maze

And now you weld the sides to keep me in

When you set it ablaze,

you’ll hope I’ll be consumed within

But I’ll take a chainsaw to the thing

When I decide you’re time is up

Cuz everything I do comes with automatic mistrust

Someone judging my character

Creating some motive I never even thought up

As they think they don’t feel like a pile of bad luck?

I move away when the echo chamber becomes too exhausting to the touch

Can’t help but notice when I think for myself I’m told to hush up

When half of you go talk to your therapists more than one another

so what’s up?

Aren’t you tired of avoiding everything negative long enough

 

And why do the strugglers always seem to have the kindest souls?

Because they know what it’s like to always feel the cold…

In the summer…

Heck, all year round

So go exist in the clouds until you come down

 

I’ve already been there

prefer neither the red or blue pill clown

I chose to remain undecided

Won’t have a way to misplace pride in

A simple perception like most of you

Who ironically call me the fabricated tool

While I spent most of my life fighting the mules

Tried to lay low and play it cool

As people drag me into their rules

Til I forget what I am here for

Oh, like a fool

Just like their fool

 

And why do the strugglers always seem to have the kindest souls?

Because they know what it’s like to always feel the cold…

In the summer…

Heck, all year round

So go exist in the clouds until you come down

 

Miss Revived Part 4

Cheryl was a perfect friend for Suz. She clashed with Suz’s meek nature. She was a protector when Suz felt the need to venture. She was her voice when she couldn’t speak, and her eyes when they failed to see obstacles before her.

In return, Suz was the perfect friend for Cheryl. She reminded her of the good qualities left in humanity, provided hope, and caused her to introspect when it was necessary. Suz brought out Cheryl’s hidden soft interior, while Cheryl attempted to bring out Suz’s hidden tough interior. They complemented one another and sent an unspoken message to others; their friendship was one of a kind.

They met in the morning for breakfast. A cheap, dainty diner that was the cheapest in the area; neither one had much money after bills were paid.

“So what should we do today? I don’t have much money truthfully Suz.”

“Me either. The park is free.”

“Alright, let’s go. Free is always cool with me.” Cheryl said.

“True. I hope someday though I can go somewhere and order the most expensive meal on the menu just because I could. But then again, I’d feel bad wasting money.”

“Exactly why I adore you Suz. Takes you two seconds to think morally, ethically, socially, or financially. I definitely could use more of that in my life. Haven’t made the best decisions in life.” Cheryl admits.

“Neither have I. It’s just about learning day by day; a lesson or a fact. No one is born perfect or will die perfect.” Suz admits.

“You always find a way to turn my negative thoughts around. Thanks Suz.”

“Don’t thank me. It’s what humanity should do for one another. Existence is difficult enough. To live costs money every single day; to die even costs money. Might as well enjoy it as much as we can. Whether it be wet socks or a filet mignon.”

“Haha! You’re so right! You always have the right thing to say, in your own kind of way. A way I definitely understand. I do worry though about you sometimes. Are you okay?” Like, really okay?”

“I try to be. That’s all that matters. I’m not rolling in a ditch giving up or failing to see a future anymore. I know some people judge and think:

Oh, she could do so much more than wait tables right now! 

“But I just cannot do more right now. I went from nothing to having a job and income at least. Not fighting some abusive boyfriend or fighting to live on ramen during college. I can just be for right now. Maybe other people take that for granted: to just be. Fortunately I built up nothing so much I have too many options. I haven’t had children yet so I guess my life is like an open playground now. And I guess this overwhelms me….”

Cheryl interrupts.

“Stop thinking so much sometimes Suz. Don’t get me wrong but it is your best quality at times and your worst. You need to learn how to manage it though. Think with more focus. If that means writing a list of stuff you should think about, do it! I’m not trying to sound cheesey, like a life coach but Suz…you are different. You do have more potential than you perhaps realize. Put it to use eventually, when you are ready. I know you need time to just be. Just don’t take forever moving on from the past either.”

“I understand what you’re saying. I really don’t think I am anyone special though but thank you. We all are truthfully special in some way. I’m just one human on this planet and there could be other planets full of other species nonetheless. I’m just someone looking for a real reason to exist like everyone else.” Suz said with a serious tone.

“The fact you realize all this with your ego aside is what sets you apart from most people. You need to realize it is what attracts darkness as well. Envy of what you have that is authentic. The smile, the opinions, the way you move so naive-like. You have to protect your own mind Suz. It’s beautiful. Don’t let anyone ruin it by projecting their own anger and sadness upon you anymore. You deserve more.” Cheryl insisted.

“Those were some of the kindest words ever spoken to me. I truly appreciate it more than you could ever know. Thanks Cheryl. I’ll get somewhere whether in the slow or fast lane. Especially if people like you stick around.”

Their eyes met with the same enthusiasm as it did when they first became friends. They strolled through the park reminiscing about old times, and feeling content just being in the moment with one another.

For Those Who Are In An Abusive Situation

I know it can be difficult leaving an abusive situation. Financial, emotional, self esteem issues, can be the perfect cocktail to make you stay. You feel alone, like no one notices what you are going through. You try to hide it but the way you carry yourself, react to others, and your life obligations have become difficult. Know this: you are worth it to be treated like a human being. No one can tell you otherwise.

There are resources in your community to help with leaving. Don’t feel shame if you have to ask a friend, family member, or take help from the taxes we all pay. Don’t feel ashamed to accept help or tell others.

I could have possibly prevented other women from going through what I did if I spoke out. When I didn’t, I’d hear stories about their next victim. I’ve seen the most together, confident people turn into a pile of depression being around a toxic, abusive, person. Sometimes we must admit things become too difficult to face on our own and face the music. Prevent other people from becoming victims.

I truthfully wish I didn’t lose so much financially over abuse in my life. I wish I was rich so I could help people leave helpless situations in general. But all I have left is these words of wisdom. Please know no one deserves to have fear put inside of them, be diminished as a person, controlled, and/or physically harmed. Love yourself first then the rest of the world. Thank you for reading.

When Eyes Like Mine Question You

Everyone has a story

Everyone has a choice to ignore it, you see?

You are the epitome of fake controversy

Have nothing to talk about so you make up drama, I see..

Forged out of your own anger, but you call everyone else a fallacy

While you’re admired for being the epitome of a reality you hate

So congratulate yourself, put an invisible trophy on your shelf

Keep writing shallow rhymes, that speak like a crime to the English language,

I just can’t believe people actually buy this?

But the positive is, real talent makes more money in the end chick…

You think you won the race, but if you don’t change

You’ll just end up in a drain chick..

I see more girls like you, than cigarettes being lit

You think you’re strong just because you can hit…

You really just look trashy

I’ve had enough of it

I’ll take your money then come back with it

when you need it.

Cuz I have more class than you have trash in your pockets

 

Don’t ever talk to me like I’m a tool

aren’t of the same caliber if you can’t play it cool..

Chicks like you wreck parties then play the victim to the fools

But when eyes like mine question you, your the one who will lose….

 

Everyone has a story

She has one where she poses as the victim

But wouldn’t someone who learned

avoid the violence that unhinged them?

Avoid the words that concaved them?

Or should we all just toughen up

so you can sprout out the exact crap you say you aren’t fond of?

I don’t think so

You need a introspective breakdown

Sit in your own corner, reflect & frown

Feel guilty for everyone you told to sit down

Let your ego run over them, because they were too weak to comprehend

Your actually worse than them

Sociopathic, narcissistic,

Falsely claiming to be comfortable in the hell you created within

Fallac comfort in your own skin

Wish you had the realness I have to win..

 

Don’t ever talk to me like I’m a tool

aren’t of the same caliber if you can’t play it cool..

Chicks like you wreck parties then play the victim to the fools

But when eyes like mine question you, you lose.