Miss Magic Part II

The air smelled different. Even the clouds seemed to roll in differently. She thought to herself, what the heck am I doing here? Perhaps I have ventured out too far from the nest. She imagined slowly turning back, getting back onto the plane, and back to her childhood room. She imagined lying her head upon her mother’s chest as she cried, but then the thought repulsed her. She realized there was absolutely nothing for her there. No opportunities worth fighting for. It was a depressing, but at the same time, uplifting fact.

She wasn’t like the others. Her eyes always paid attention to her surroundings. So internally exciting by all the activity, all the faces, all the lights, and all the accents. Sometimes she would go home and practice accents, attempting to pull them off in public, and realizing someone either fell for it or might have thought she needed a 5150 (mental institution). Either way, it slowly didn’t bother her what people thought. Most of the time her brain was honestly so intrigued by the behaviors of other people, she felt like an outsider, with a non-narcissistic personality disorder unlike the rest of society. She thought to herself often I sometimes wish I had a cabin, could eat beans and rice, and be left alone to write. But it seemed like the world swarmed around her, even when she barely came out into the light, either intrigued or misunderstanding her.

Settling into seeing palm trees rather than pine trees was quite the experience for her as well. Still is. But she managed to find the redwoods, which made her feel like she was Alice Wonderland as she walked through them. She always had a way of finding a balance. To her, if something made her sad, there was something else to counteract it. Always an answer with enough research and persistence.

She spent most of her undergraduate working heavily as a server, staying up late with homework, and a pot of coffee. Lack of sleep induced psychosis happened eventually and she was forced to put the books down. She often thought, I wish there were forty eight hours in a day. Can the earth’s rotation change right now, please? It always felt like there were not enough hours in a day and coffee.

At times, even in the big city, it felt lonely. She wondered if Neil Gaiman ever felt this way? Margaret Atwood, perhaps? I think so. She’d convince herself to keep researching and writing. Keep finding inspiration as well and trying to give it back in appreciation.

The struggle was real. Like when a farmer asks you if you’d like a chicken, walks over, and cuts it’s head off, real. With no family support system nearby, working as a server, and trying to compete with those who might have had a bit more support, she felt sort of silenced at times. Money equals powers but let’s be honest, some people shouldn’t have money because they are honestly irresponsible with it. She often thought, they’re so dumb, they couldn’t even hire a decent financial adviser?  Then internally laugh, trying not to look externally crazy having deep thoughts like this at the laundromat. Until one day another quirky, eccentric, character like herself walked in to the laundromat. It was as if it was going to take a couple more run intos on Sunday evening (the weirdo avoiding time) for them to talk. But finally, she spoke:

“Uh. You dropped your underwear. Sorry I noticed.”

She looks down embarrassingly. “No. Uh. Thanks for noticing. It would have been more embarrassing if anyone else came in here.”

“No problem, girl.”

“My name’s Olivia. What’s yours?”

“Jackie. They call me jackles the crazy but I just act crazy. Please don’t tell them.” And she laughs hysterically.

It was at this point in time, Olivia knew it was like all the forces in the universe, like all the particles in the air, conjoined to form a planetary like friendship bond no other binomial nomenclature could possibly come close to. Maybe perhaps one of her friends, who thinks like her. Anything is possible, never rule anything in life out.

 

 

 

I Don’t Remember

I don’t remember what you said to me?

But

Was it going to be better (than her)?

Was it going to be better (than her)?

I tried to put my pride aside but

every single time you tried

to lie

Manipulate and hide

All the blame inside my heart…

And now I sit here torn apart

Feeling like I didn’t have a chance

from the very start…

What was that baby?

Was it going to be better (than her)?

Was I going to be better (than her) ?

Or was I better off without you?

I feel like a jigsaw puzzle

And I can’t find all the pieces

No I can’t find all the pieces

Oh, why’d you make me your queen

if you were just planning on leaving?

Was it going to be better (than her)?

Was I ever going to be better than her…

to you?

 

 

Miss Magic

She always loved watching magicians on the television. It made life more interesting thinking about how different the world would be if everyone had magical powers. Her imagination would run wild with the possibilities. Then finally, her mother bought her a cheap magic kit for her Birthday. Nothing special. Just some some of wand, cards, and a few things she had no idea what were for exactly.

It was weeks before it happened. She was alone for a moment. Mom was outside gardening, as she played with her magic kit. She knew how to rhyme anything. Kids were quite jealous at school, watching her compose long stories with ten times their vocabulary. Something about language enticed her as a child. Having spent much of her life, shy and in thoughts, she essentially became so bored talking internally to herself, her vocabulary needed to be brushed up upon. It was almost as if it was not a choice. Isolation pushed reading and philosophical thoughts, causing her to need more and more words for expression. It came naturally, like a spring off a mountain. Nothing else in the world really did.

And then it finally happened. With a perfectly rhymed magical chant she changed a card from a two to an Ace. At first, she thought she was crazy. Perhaps delusional or hallucinating. But she laid all the cards out to discover the two she original had was missing and there was now an extra ace. Still thinking she might be crazy, she yelled to her mom as she came inside.

“Mom! Can you tell me if you see an extra ace in this deck and no two? I think this deck may be messed up.”

“It appears that way to me too. That’s odd. Well, I have to make lunch sweetie, I’ll be in the kitchen if you need anything.”

She tries to act normal as her mother turns away. She shuts the door a bit more, chants a similar chant and looks again. The card didn’t change this time. It’s frustrating but she knows something is perhaps different about this magic set or her or the world. It’s all overwhelming at first, but becomes like a great mystery she has to solve. She imagines being like Harriet the Spy, and becomes overjoyed with the endeavor. She spends the night secretly playing with the magic kit, while everyone else sleeps soundly in their ignorance, unknowing the great discovery she just unveiled.

School the next day was awful. No sleep and her mind was constantly focused upon getting back to the magic kit. With obsessive compulsive thoughts, her mind continued to indulge in what most thought was the imaginary. She could sense others would not understand this discovery, causing her to isolate even more than in previous situations.

Do you think they notice I am acting differently? She thought.

She was already quite eccentric so I guess she could blame it on even more of a transcendence into individuality. Kind of makes sense. Minds that think differently, tend to think differently about isolation than most. Tend to think of it as necessary, rather than sad.

As she opened the door, she couldn’t contain her enthusiasm that the magic kit was only ten feet away now. After an hour, it happens again. The card change. With each hour passing by, she keeps proving her own lack of insanity. She leaves for dinner, does some homework afterwards, and then is secretly back to the kit.

The years go by, she slowly sets the kit down more and more. The real world lures her in once again, and she loses interest in magic. She starts becoming fearful of the forces behind the changes, questioning their motives, and then eventually questioning her own sanity as well. But once again, she always lays out the deck and it is never right. She sees the extra cards and missing cards but cannot make sense out of it.

 Is this all I can do? Change some cards with my mind or something? This is all? What the heck am I going to use this for?

 

 

 

The Time Is Near

The time is near

The words I hear

ever so gently…

I need the world again…

It’s time to feel

It’s time to kneel

now that my ego is aside

I need the world again

The time is soon

The ticking of the clock is starting to consume

my ears

For a while…

I’d hide…

With all my fears

inside

Feeling like I’ve been in the trenches…

While everyone was born on benches…

Still feeling like I kept knocking down fences…

While time clenches…more seconds upon me

 

And I keep asking why people can’t just let me be?

Why everyone turns out to be an enemy?

Why does the world have to be this way,

when it ought to be…

Understanding,

less about programming

everyone to be exactly alike

Or take a hike

Up a mountain to gain back their respect

Cuz’ there’s already so much struggle from the very start…

So many words tearing people apart…

& while some of you sleep as if nothing left a mark

I try to find my heart, never afraid of the dark

 

The time is near

The words I hear

ever so gently…

I need the world again…

The time is near, my friend

And I never expected anyone to comprehend

Wait around for me & pretend

I would be worth it in the end

Cuz’ I am my own worst critic

Way too analytic

Kinda made me parasitic..

Until I had enough of being down in it

Then walking around in an emotional daze

Trying to figure out if it was a spiritual phase

feeling like I was running through never ending haze…

While everyone else is walking around in some kind of maze…

Faking it to make it…

Not realizing their just taking it…

From those who are real

Those who dare to feel…

Everything in this universe..

 

And I keep asking why people can’t just let me be?

Why it feels like I am not free

While the world keeps spinning all around me

And I keep asking all these philosophical questions

That now surround me…

And now I long to be

half connected to the world…

Feel like I ought to be…

But can never stay out of the unknown,

Always felt the need to venture off alone

become drenched to the bone

And still find a way to enjoy it…

Always felt without the rain

There would be no sun

Without the Sun

There’d be no rain

And without being slain

You couldn’t humbly gain

Anything at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Brief Thoughts on Kathy Griffin

Kathy can pose with a bloody head of whomever she wishes but she must suffer the consequences of those actions. She is a public figure, has influence, and somehow believes this plays no role in why she is receiving backlash. It does. If I did the same thing, it probably wouldn’t matter as much.

Kathy must have agreed to the photo shoot and had prior knowledge of what it encompassed. Public figures have had some not so great career choices in general, facing the same kind of backlash. TMZ reports on Hollywood drama twenty four seven hours a day it seems. We have to admit the American audience seems to enjoy drama, downfalls, and emotional meltdowns. Did Kathy ever stop to think she is perhaps just a puppet? A lifeform of cells they invested into and now just desire to control? Perhaps, now she realizes how important it really is to think about what ideology she represents, if it means holding up a bloody head while trying to promote some kind of peace?

She is nothing more than falsely representing an ideology where most are actually supposed to be invested in a pacifist-like demeanor. She has been exposed now as a fraud. Don’t go blaming the ideology itself, for it is nothing truly but a word. People give context and meaning to words as time goes on. They can say they represent something as well, but we as people have the right to be skeptics.  Skeptics of news, people, and pretty much anything we like. As a society, we have lost our desire and/or ability to question what is put before us. We eat anything that says it is good for us and we listen to those we admire with the same kind of attitude.

Liberals are suppose to be about improving society as a whole, and focusing upon many different aspects in society to create the best utopia possible. They are suppose to be open minded and adaptable to many situations. Kathy and many celebrities in Hollywood, claiming to represent these kind of values, are nothing more than empty shells waiting to be used as puppets in a repetitive narrative. They do not represent these values and to me, represent a sort of fabricated image they have to uphold because of invisible influencers the audience never sees.

Sorry Kathy, but a person cannot really play victim when the money was already exchanged for values. As far as Kathy’s case, no money can buy back the respect of the people she lost. Opinions are valuable, everyone is entitled to them, and delivery does matter. Tone matters. Imagery matters. Words matter. Expressions matter. Unfortunately, we live in a day and age where digital convenience spreads information, so being a public figure has more influence than some realize. It is not just some youtube video posted by an unknown person with a limited amount of views. This was seen by a large audience. Political affiliations aside, what kind of values does a person represent holding up a bloody head? Seems kind of extreme. I hope people out there are able to put aside labels and judge those based on character and actions. Sometimes it is better to walk in the middle of the road if there is an intellectual traffic jam going on both sides. Sometimes it is better to think before you react. Right Kathy?

Time Unravels

 

Didn’t go through this much pain for no reason

Just feel winter when there are four seasons

Can’t feel love after you question everything you believe in

They say,

Can’t always care so much and feel feelings….

 

Time unravels

And there are new pathways my mind  travels

New ways I face these structured battles….

Sometimes feeling  it may be my last..

Sometimes feeling as if the past…

has a grip on my nightmares

But as always with time…

It becomes nothing more than a story…

unable to bind

me

in a fairytale like fallacy..

where I had forgotten the alternate ending …

Could become reality…

 

You don’t go through this much pain for no reason

Admit you just feel winter when there are four seasons

Most don’t feel love after they question everything they believe in

And care enough in the moment to feel other people’s feelings….

 

Time unravels…

there are new pathways my mind travels…

As you draw up an arrow once more…

my eyes stare blankly to the floor…

realizing I have nothing more than myself…

After I hung myself on a shelf

for you…

 

Turned all the shades of blue

for you…

Felt as if I was Cinderella and you were my Prince

But you…

Never looked to find my missing slipper again…

To prove you were real

and not just some kind of pretend

Never lent out a hand to help mend…

all that time unraveled.

Article Reaction

I read a professor was bombarded by students’ demanding he leave campus because of his race. They misconstrued his words and it went downhill pretty fast. Cars were stopped looking for him. He is White. Simple. That’s racism. You can call it what you like, but I will call it for what it is by definition. I walked around with a dictionary, when no one else cared about language. And I am personally exhausted from trying to explain common sense through definitions.

His letter was not full of hatred. It was not grounds for him to be addressed as if he is not a human being. This behavior showcased today is unacceptable and encompasses the same racism people are supposedly against. What are values if you are full of hypocrisy? I am not trying to be controversial but just be logic based in a modern society that seems to have fallen short of analytical thinking. I just want to evoke real values into people that actually mean something and perhaps make a difference in writing this. People need to treat people as they want to be treated. Simple. Stand for what you actually believe in and if you find you have stepped out of line, apologize. Be a real, honest, human being.