Surgery-Related Thoughts…

They think they know her; all that she’s been through. They see a pretty face and assume it brought her everything in life. As if she was born into an easy existence. But no, she was a nerd. Horribly picked on, humiliated, and alone most of her life. Thrown into lockers, marching in band, and reading to the other students.

But now some want to deny her pain. Judge based upon the last couple years of her life without listening to the whole story. So silly are they to think she lived a life of poshness? Furthest from the reality. Living on ramen, trying to get through college on her own dime was the real struggle. It felt good. I was once standing on two feet, until they literally gave out.

So it’s funny when people fill in the blanks of my life. A life where everyone has always taken care of me, you say? That would be nice. One where I just dove into endless hobbies everyday without any responsibilities? That’s nice, but realistically most Americans can’t afford such a thing. Most end up filing bankruptcy after job loss, medical bills, and unexpected circumstances.

So why were so many envious and judgmental when I got sick? When my legs decided they couldn’t move anymore? It wasn’t a vacation, with a margarita, and a unicorn floatie. It wasn’t a four star resort being in pain all hours of the day.

“Must be nice to take time off for surgery.” Must be nice to be able to work and not have your life interrupted by immense amounts of pain. That’s sarcasm seeping from my pores. Instead of being happy for me finally facing an inevitable surgery; some were judgmental or envious.

It showed me what some people really thought of me. It also made me realize how financially stressed people are, and how well they are at hiding it. I wish you all suffering, peace and understanding. Someday, someone will hopefully give you a perspective that causes you to be more compassionate.

One thing for sure, the perspective this surgery has given me on how important it is to not judge has been momumental. Those who stuck by me, cared for me, and empathsized: outvoiced all the negativity. They pushed me to keep going through the physical and mental pain. They watched me cry, laugh, and walk again. They showed me who I want to be again when I have two feet to stand upon, literally. And for that, I thank you.

My Way

I don’t really care what you say

I’m going to make it anyway

With or without you, mmkay?

I’m going to do this my way

I sat there with lonely nights

Waiting for you to wake up inside

I pushed myself to have no pride

But now I see the beauty in trying to hide

Away from the lies

And its no suprise

I created my own universe through a demise

To get through all this…

All thisinside

Because it’s all in my head


All in my head

My thoughts create reality

If I just get out of bed

And I keep trying to wake up the others

Sleeping in a fantasy

Because they deserve to know

What lies behind facing reality

I don’t understand what you say

I’m going to keep doing me each day

With or without you, mmkay?

I’m going to do this my way

I cried there with lonely days

Trying to figure out the maze

That was all inside

of you

Until I blew

my own mind in two

You started to be cruel

And still, you can’t see what is ahead of you

Is a tragic fate

Always chasing the superficial

Repeating mistakes

While calling me a fake

Hold on, let me grab the issues

Because I have to congratulate


For turning every issue you had

Into being about me too

When really there are just tools

All around you

All around you

So go call a few

Tell them you’re ready to be a fool

You fall for the ones who aren’t true

But sadly, they’re a reflection of who

You pretend to be.

Won’t See You

I won’t see you

I walk a straight line

You walk in circles

Never afraid of time

I’m afraid of my own shadow

While you run blind

left me in shadows

Fighting all the truth I’d find

And I thought I had a hand to hold until the end

Didn’t realize it was play and pretend

Didn’t realize I was your doll

In a home I could never mend

Watched you breathe that way at night

Watched you destroy yourself

Telling me it’s alright

Fell into the hole myself

Got out alright

But I had to take the flight…

Back to the only home

I had ever known

I won’t see you

I live in reality

You avoid it

Living a childlike fantasy

I’m afraid to have any self esteem

While you think you’re the best fish in the sea

Left me driven to insanity

Fighting all the walls you put up around me

And I thought I had someone to love

Didn’t realize I’d never be strong enough

Didn’t realize I had to call your bluff

End up leaving

Forcing you finally face: that I had enough.

Lost You a Long Time Ago

I think I lost you a long time ago

We were younger but I knew

Nothing would be the same after I met you

You were the man who could turn me blue

the man who could make me wait for my queue

But when the chance came again

I realized I never knew you

Only the good part

While the bad broke me in two

Now I can’t even look at myself

Hate if I look too pretty

Because that’s the part you miss of me

And it’s sad you had to compete with me

Fill our relationship full of animosity

But everyone was stupid

According to your reality

Think you’re gods gift to humanity

Your ego ruined us

It was no surprise to me

I never put you down to make you stay with me


Such a silly game to play with someone’s time

You loved me, but hated my mind?

But I couldn’t find anyone you didn’t mind

You get what you give, try being kind


I think I never had a chance

Coming out of a nightmarish romance

Insecurities running wild

While you insinuating I was trash

Repeating things said by my ex

Wounds always being rehashed

Don’t know if you realize I was unattached

Lying in a traumatic aftermath

Now I realize what had been done to me in the past

Don’t think they ever loved me in order for it to last

I hope you’re happy now

Always leaving a bloodbath.

Hey Girl

Hey girl,

Why you actin’ so tall like?

Better wipe that grin off your face

You’re all hype

Seen plenty of girls like you before

Not my type

Rather go home and play games

That’s my life

Now go ahead

Take your strife

Write it down on a piece of paper

Shove it down, inside

Cuz being deflective is not nice

Either way I don’t want to hear your name twice

Luck’s on my side

Hear music in my head

While you struggle to get outta your bed

Drunk from the night before

Might as well drink some lead

little Ms. Queen thinks she owns the scene

But only owns a block of a pyramid scheme

Running her mouth

So called living a dream

Had enough of your face

The same self destructive routine

Your embarrassing yourself

Go get help

Spreading your disease

Then trying to be heartfelt

Get mad when people like me

Come out with a belt

Metaphorically whip you

Break you in two

So you know how it felt

Dealing with a the crap that you dealt

For no reason at all

While we already knelt

So go ahead please shut your mouth

All you’ve done is talk some kind of hell

So go ahead please start to yell

Act like I’m bad somehow

For standing up for myself

Not taking your crap like everyone else

I ain’t no puppet you put on your shelf

Hey, girl

Why you acting so tough?

Better quit talking that crap

Before your skies get rough

You may open your mouth

To some rich girl whos had enough

Then end up in court

When she calls out your bluffs

Acting like everyone else is crazy stuff

While you play people like a puppet master

So out of touch

With your own mask you wear so much

Think I’ve had enough

The sky opened up today

Said some spiritual stuff

And I’m miles ahead of you

You should be intimidated

By all the stuff I’ve been through

And survived

In time

I’ll see you fall, you fool

Quit talking yourself up

Go sit in a corner

Get actually cool.

I Knew

I knew you’d be the death of part of me

Not the whole part though

Cuz I’m like a tree

I keep growing, going,

my heart behind me and it’s towing

like a wrecked car for everyone to see

You made sure I’d pay to be free

But you can’t see

You won’t stop my thoughts with fear

They’re traveling into different hemispheres

And I’m done crying these tears

Best I can do is warn others

Hope they hear

And I don’t even feel sad anymore

I realize it comes from being bored

Bored with a culture that needs numbers to keep a score

While I play in a different court

Where hardly anyone ever roars

When I try to speak less hardcore

they come after me for wanting more

Than scrubbing some floors

Ramen when I walk through the door

Feeling sick, belly aches

Right down to my core

Days are numbered like never before

It’s now it never

So I get off the floor..

Somedays I can’t get outside

Fearing the people in my past

So I just hide

Like a doll in a dresd

With no pride

I wish I could push it all inside

But it just comes back up

Cuz I lived in their lies

I knew some would never accept me

I remember climbing mountains as a kid

Then getting sent bad energy

So many people think they’re perfect as they be

But life isn’t about what you are

It’s about what you are trying to be

I will never understand the animosity

They were supposed to have my back, not add hostility

Always feeling humility

Since I was young,

Been alone in a big world

Without food to eat

No breathe to take within

That’s why I can’t only relate

To the people who had similar fate

Tears crept into my eyes

As a lady told me about the hate

She felt just as alone as I for god’s sake

Stop pushing people to a ledge

Life is not a piece of cake

I wish you could see how we relate

Instead of keeping your mask on

So no one can take

on the facade you create.


Everyone be callin’ me fake

When I defend myself for god’s sake

Got me squirming in my own shoes

Waitin for an earthquake

Want to watch the ground open up

Then swallow me up, call it fate

Instead, I somehow end up holding on to the ledge

Pulling myself up with the strength they said

I didn’t have left

And it’s sad that

You think you’re the best U bet

So go ahead bring dem sheep

ain’t no gangsta with your adolescent peeps

I’ve had enough of it

Watching y’all call yourself god and yell: biiitt…

Shh, I won’t even say it,

Your whole prerogative is I bite the bit

You created inside your mind but in time

You’ll see you’re just blind to yourself

And everyone with some health

Realizes you ain’t fooling anyone else

Go face your fears

what you don’t want to be felt

I’ve had many years alone and now I’m somebody else

Don’t underestimate me or I’ll send you to an asteroid belt

Hopefully ill have enough money someday to see that for myself

I try to help people like you

But I can’t hold your head up to see my point of view

Better get yourself together

Before you become light as a feather

Change is needed like the weather

Or this world will break you into two

It’s just cruel

So cruel

Everyone be callin’ me just a face

Look me up and down then all over the place

Act like I don’t notice and then I make haste

Go back home alone, because their judgments make me wish I had mace

Always end up feeling the same

End up alone in the night

wish some would take away the blame

Instead of hurt me, say I’m unworthy

Overprivileged, when I went without food to eat

No sleep

Feet literally taking away my sanity

While it felt like those who “supported” me,

wouldn’t just let me be

Please stop with the bad energy

There’s enough of it in this world i see

I’m just tryin to stop the bleed,

From all the games played because of my needs

Stop tryin to shame me, agreed?

Deflection is never the key

Find yourself instead of bringing me

inside of your self-created insanity

Cuz I will always want to be free

I will always want to be the real me

I ain’t your doll in some self centered story.