Miss Voiceless Part Two

Without someone controlling her now, freedom was pleasantly overwhelming. The avenues in life she could take were open, but few had all the following: money, happiness, and personal skills. It seemed as if everything that would make her content, would leave her underpaid. It was difficult for her to find a balance in the occupational world. She knew this. But was determined to not make brash decisions, that lacked long term financial practicality.

Previous decisions left her lost but built her character. She worked all different places, with all kinds of people, and handled all kinds of situations. She felt her experiences were ususual, and finding her dream job was a needle in a haystack. It wasn’t a decision to be taken lightly, either.

The thought of being a “master” at something was honorable and intimidating. There was no way to just pick a major, with no passion in regards to it. Too often she saw people choose the easiest to get into program, express they did it solely for the money, or felt pressured by some outside force. She thought: how can you go into a field devoted to helping others, and not be genuine about your intentions? 

These kinds of people really went under her skin. (They also influence others to behave in similar disingenuine ways, which ultimately puts distrust in the service they provide). If someone is passionate, they’ll have more pride in maintaining an effective approach to others. She didn’t want to add to these people, so research and patience with herself played a role. This was difficult, since time costs money. Sacrifice had to be made, ramen noodle cups had to be bought, and luxuries few and far inbetween.

Nothing was going to be easy in this economy. She knew it. Nothing was the same as it was when her parents reached adulthood. It wasn’t as easy as picking yourself up by your bootstraps. Especially if you didn’t come from much to begin with. Especially if you came from the trailers, Kmart bikes, and second hand clothes kind of lifestyle. Then finding yourself becoming friends with the kid accross town who has a college fund and a power wheels. But some of the unappreciative children, would grow up to be mundane, regardless.

At least I built character. At least I can still care in the end, after everything I have been through. It’s so easy to give up yourself and other people. Too bad those who are actually empathetic, oftentimes are misunderstood. Too bad those who are disingenuine, oftentimes hide behind fallac smiles. I will not settle for becoming one of them. This chapter of my life will not just be for me, but for others who have struggled as well. 

Love Rant

I am tired of cliche sayings about love. Haha. No…trust is not given automatically. Do you trust a random person at a supermarket to save your life? No. Do you walk up to people and just say: I trust you stranger, here are the keys to my house? No. So why do people think in relationships, trust is not earned? Realistically, you give some trust when you form any relationship. But is it fair to yourself, to give the person all your trust? This is where my perspective differs than most. I’d say it’s not fair to yourself. Relationships are built; not created from thin air. We all walk around with these unrealistic expectations of love from the beginning. Maybe if people thought of trust differently, as earned, relationships would actually last. Actions speak louder than words. Simple. If your actions made your partner uncomfortable, you either work it out or not. If you walk away from conversation, good luck with any trust building with anyone. If you act like your partners concerns are not valid; you are the issue. If you can’t talk to them without raising your voice: you are the problem. You are the kind of person who expects trust and depreciates it at the same time. Don’t expect to have trust if you can’t maintain it. Don’t expect everything from someone, if you don’t value their feelings, perspective, opinions, and boundaries. Someone who actually loves another person, would listen. They wouldn’t make the person afraid to speak up. They wouldn’t watch you lose sleep, look sad, and fret over some drama they refuse to address. When you actually care, you want to talk things out. Period. You want to know why relationships fail? Communication. More specifically, the avoidance of it, withholding of the truth, and overreacting when it finally builds up. People want to be “happy” and equate this to meaning no bumps in the road at all. They are quick to run away like cowards, rather than put the work into that person. When you start to devalue, compare, and put down your partner: you’re the coward. You cannot admit you are in a cycle of relationships, and the cause could partially be you. Do you want to continue a cycle, blaming everyone else, and not listening to anyone’s grievances? Or do you want to see where you could have been a good person, and be that way? The worst thing to do to someone who loves you is to not listen to their feelings. No money, no gifts, nothing can make them feel better. Maybe they wanted respect, boundaries, communication, and affection. It’s that simple and sometimes people overcomplicate relationships. So before you go tossing away someone like their trash, lining up your next option like their unaware, and overreacting: think if you actually tried to effectively communicate. You could be throwing away someone worth fighting for, for another cycle partially caused by yourself. And maybe there would be less unnecessary heartbreak, if people actually put the effort needed into a relationship.

Miss Voiceless Part One

She runs frantically through the aisles, not noticing how frantic she appears to other people. He will probably be waiting for her when she gets back. A shame, since she hardly ever leaves the apartment. A fight will of course ensue; a raging battle, where all her fears come to life. She went to the store: a betrayal of trust in his delusional eyes. This made her stay at home mostly to avoid an argument. She tried everything to avoid an argument.

There was nothing normal about it. She clung to her pillow at night, silently crying, and hoping her would not hear a sound. He hated when she cried. He hated when she laughed, too!  He looked upon her as if she was auctioned off to him, and had no right to feelings. He wanted to control her, not love her. He wanted to brand her emotionally, to keep her in her place. Like a little doll who never spoke.

His words stayed with her most days. He’d leave to work and sometimes without ever saying goodbye. Other times, yelling at her before he left. She tried her best to keep things up, but he never paid attention. It was the one pair of pants she didn’t wash, the natural wearing of utensils, the way she cleaned up after his laziness, etc. Nothing done was seen and all he could see was the negative perception he wanted to.

This was an emotional death trap he started.  She felt never good enough as a result. She neglected herself as a result. She pondered all about his other options, because she felt like one. The opposite of real love; to treat someone as if they are replaceable. But deep down, he was the one truly hurting, but taking that pain out on her.

Fueled by a narcissistic culture, he praised the weak and was disgusted by the strong. He embraced a misogynistic perspective without being aware of it. His echochamber of madness, affected everything and everyone around him. He influenced others, and to her she felt like it was the 1950’s again for women in some ways.

Although she did not mind some aspects of the 50’s culture, she felt some modern men ideally want a woman who: pays half the bills, takes care of any children, takes care of the house, and cooks. This perspective was unfair in her eyes.

Are most men like this deep down inside? Do some clean and cook alongside their partner? I think it’s rare in my own experiences, but I don’t know about anyone else’s experiences. All I know is teamwork is the best method. No one becomes exhausted that way. 

And that was the truth. He initially exhausted her. When she had a job, he wasn’t considerate. He didn’t care if she got any sleep, cleaned without his help, cooked a full meal and did dishes until midnight. He didn’t care she could lose everything if he couldn’t chip in once on awhile. It wasn’t about building something together, but rather what he could build out of her.

It disgusted her. The way he put so much effort into appearing a certain way. He cared so much about his car, his hair, his smile, his money, and his material possessions. He spoke ill of others who did not embrace his same sentiment. He treated people like dollar signs, not humans. Those who had less, made less money, or were in unfortunate situations, did not have his sympathy. He blamed the poor for being poor, and praised the rich for being rich.

She felt like one of them to him: a poor disappointment. She thought if she had more money, he might actually love her. The thought sometimes made her resent herself, then oftentimes him as well.

Even when I almost had it all, he didn’t even notice anything but himself. She thought.

Now more than ever she had seen the situation for what it was: dehumanizing. As she pulled off each petal of a flower, she imagined letting the past go. It had been months, and his insults still were part of her thought processes. She knew it wasn’t going to be as simple to rewire her brain, as it was to pull pedals off of flowers. But she was one of the ones who woke up, rather than lived in a slumber. And those kinds of people have stories to tell, and voices to be heard.

 

 

 

Some Chicks

Some chicks don’t know how to act

Apparently they also didn’t do their math

Cuz two makes a couple and three makes drama

So get back to cheating on your boyfriend

Hope to never see ya, manana

I’ll flip the script straight

Unlike your mama

Girls like you play victim

When you weren’t really chilling with your hermana

Regardless…

You must have been raised around some manipulative sh**

Can’t even look at yourself and admit

You’re slowly turning into a pile of shhhh..

Be quiet

You’re not ready for my strategies

not going to listen to all of your blasphemies

my mic dropped on purpose

Cuz all your bs isn’t worth this

Much easier to dismiss

Wait for you to show your fists

Hiding behind all that superficial bliss

Only a matter of time before the serpent spits..

Only a matter of time before I have to stand up to you, Miss

 

 

I see you looking at me,

Quite frankly like you’d rather be me

But close your eyes, move on,

Enjoy your own company

You may fool everyone else around me

But I know your type

inside you’re ugly…

Looking for a nice girl to push around?

I see.

 

Some chicks don’t know how to be friends

Smile in your face, but don’t clap when you win

Can’t be happy for you, have to find a way for it to end

So you can go out, play dress up and pretend

Always giving you bad advice on purpose

throw in the rumors to make ya extra nervous

Everyone looking at you like you’re crazy, not worth it

While theyre the ones trying to ruin what doesn’t fit..

An agenda

Either for the heck of it, or to push me aside

Either way, I think you have some misplaced pride

Only players deal with those who lie

You get what you give, don’t question why

Don’t ever undermine me

Your friends aren’t on your side

So be careful where your secrets reside

You choose me as an enemy, never as an allie

Maybe you should have been honest

Then I would have tried..

Don’t ever question my character

the truth I don’t hide.

 

Chore

Can’t even cry

Without someone always passing by

Ready to laugh as I sigh

Getting off on my empathy

No room for sympathy

So instead gaslight me

Gaslight me

I’m not playing these games

It’s always the same

You’ll never listen until I’m blue

I’m not going to do you

Any favors anymore

Just a chore…

To you

Just a bore..

To you…

 

I don’t care how you see me

All I’ve tried to do is get you to love me

Now I have nothing left of myself

Go ahead, be happy,

I’ll never be enough…

No one will ever be enough

So out of touch with yourself

Can’t love anyone else…

 

Can’t even speak

Been like this before

buried in concrete

Sidewalks

While everyone else smiles and talks

I lie imprisioned in all the times you tried

To push all the blame to my side

Then wonder why I have no pride

Guess you won,

I’ll be pushed aside

Forgotten about

Left in your fabricated demise…

Can’t believe I let you tell me it’s my fault

But I’m not surprised…

I always blame myself when people lie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts On that Poppy/Titanic Sinclair Lawsuit

That poppy emerged as one of the strangest personas on youtube. She introduced herself as that poppy, repeating her name for at at least ten minutes. I personally could not get through the entire video, because it seems to intentionally make you feel as if you are wasting your time. As a viewer, you have the feeling nothing will happen. It is entertainingly creepy.

It is a mystery to figure out, and a read between the lines message is in almost every single video created. In the beginning videos, it seems Poppy is very lively, questioning nothing and going along with what seems to be a path to bliss. But as the videos progress, she seems to mature a bit more, pointing out issues within society, and desiring more of a challenge than this ‘look pretty’ persona. This desire to be more than a fabricated persona, is compromising the happiness she once had in the beginning.  Poppy has been compromising her own potential, happiness, and goals for the sake of ‘them.’ They/them she references to are the constructs around her. I imagine Poppy as a giant figure with great potential, and those currently around her are trying to shape her or control her. They are building around her, encasing her talent, putting up perimeters and boundaries not to cross.

Titanic Sinclair is behind the vision of that poppy. This is an interesting narrative poppy creates, now more than ever before. Especially since Brittany Sheets, Sinclair’s ex girlfriend, has filed a case against him. The allegations say he broke into her apartment twice, punched her in the face, mimicked her style through Poppy, and referenced things that knowingly would distress Ms. Sheets. Poppy and Sinclair even attended the same college after Sheets started attending. There are more allegations besides this. It paints a story I think we were not supposed to know. In my opinion, Sheets has been struggling to have a voice and finally is speaking up about his behavior.

The grocerybag.tv channel on Youtube only has three videos left. Sheets was asked by Sinclair to delete past projects in a nervous fashion. She changed the password to the channel in order to protect the work. I believe Sinclair wanted to take her ideas for his own profit. He was financially dependent upon Sheets, also threatened suicide after the breakup. It seems tk me he was severely codependent, and needed a way to continue building on her ideas for money. You can still find the computer show on YouTube though. Despite Sinclairs effort to cover up past projects with Sheets, fans have been able to access these videos. The similarities between the computer show and poppy are interesting. Poppy definitely has a more symbolic, dry, approach while Argo has energy and sarcasm. But to me, they both have a similar tone of voice. Except Sheets has a naturally high voice, and it seems poppy had hers altered by software. Poppy is disingenuine on purpose I believe. She is supposed to appear as not in control, being controlled by a label. But I think it is quite the opposite. If Ms. Sheets allegations are true, his motivation was to control her creativity. Create a shackling-like situation out of causing her distress. Unlike some people, I believe that poppy (Moriah) knew the intentions of Sinclair. She holds up a T-shirt in one of her videos then says: “Now, what did you want me to say?” She cannot simply improvise in the moment as an artist. To me this is sort of mocking Ms. Sheets inabiliy to come out of hiding from Sinclair and create. Poppy also retweets things with 3:36 in them. It references a video Ms. Sheets put up titled “everyone wants it all” which is 3 minutes 36 seconds long. The video could be misconstrued to even fit Sinclair’s narrative. Fans thought the video was symbolic of the death also Mars Argo and a new project on the way. It makes it seem as if Sheets was accepting of going out of the spotlight. However, I believe this is not the case at all. I think Sheets was simply saying after dealing with his infidelity, he wants it all. As in desires too much: too much money, fame, recognition, and too many women.  Poppy (Moriah) cannot be so unaware she doesn’t know of this video or what the message truthfully was. Especially knowing their past. If Mars Argo fans were able to see similarities, how did she not? Poppy also attended the same college with Sinclair, after Ms. Sheets started attending. She went along with him. Poppy wore similar fashion as Sheets as well. Yes they could just have similar taste, but the repetition of specific angles, clothing, makeup, and hair, makes it seem intentional. The vision is derived from whatever Ms. Sheets puts out there in my opinion. This would honestly creep any normal human out. Sheets claims to have suffered PTSD from Sinclair and Poppy’s behavior. To me, it was stalking. Period. Stalking that started at her home then went on to the internet. I wish she would have called the police on him years ago, but I understand how intimidated she was. I understand she was afraid of retaliation.

Now that Brittany Sheets has spoken out, I think the truth is coming to light. I think she was actually the mastermind behind all this influencially. Sinclairs obsession with not having her after his infidelity, left him with no power over her initially. His behavior has been an attempt to intimidate, stalk, and mimic her into a state of distress. Her personality shined next to his. She had energy, sarcasm, hilarity, critiques of society, and a cute demeanor. It’s no wonder fans of Mars Argo showed up to poppy concerts, asking where Sheets disappeared to. I would want the person with real vision back as well. Out of him own selfish inability to move on, Titanic Sinclair has now secured his downfall in my opinion. Anyone who actually takes the time to read the allegations against him, would most likely be disturbed. Ms. Sheets should have been able to move on with her life without him. But it seems if he couldn’t create with her, he wanted to make it so no one else could. I hope Brittany is able to come back with fury, because she deserves the spotlight. And I hope despite what has been done to her, she can create again.

 

Miss Revived Part 9

Suz is late for work and about ready to have a panic attack. She scurries around telling herself she cannot afford another breakdown. Literally cannot afford it.

I’ll lose everything again if I lose this crappy job. She thinks.

But this is the harsh reality. There are those out there who would kill for her crappy job. She feels guilty having breakdowns and complaining inside her head. Its just that she thought she would get a real chance, to do something she loved.

She had a chance. A half chance at her past job until the bosses favorite turned on her. There was nothing she could have done differently. The hire who you know somehow applied to civil service. Eventhough civil service should be about equal opportunity, she saw the truth now. A bunch of mostly unempathetic, incompetent, and unhealthy people who knew someone in order to get in. Suz was different. Why? Because she scored high, knew no one, and somehow went against the odds.

They burned her out though. Told her she was too nice, too sensitive, too caring. As a social worker though?! Suz didn’t get the memo she was supposed to treat everyone like an inconvenience. Their empathy was disminished by the idea that everyone was looking for a “hand out.” This attitude created hostility that was often times picked up on by their own brain.

How can people go into a field requiring empathy and have none? How are these people looking for hand outs, when they can barely survive on their wages? How is it their fault the programs to assist them, really supplement their lack of wages? Who wins? Corporate employers who don’t want to pay enough for their workers to survive. She thinks.

But it was all over. There was no going back. Perhaps Suz didn’t want to either. It was draining to be around the brainwashed. She could handle any so called “crazy” in the community, but couldn’t handle the hateful coworker. Now Suz felt like she was back to the drawing board. Back to a mundane restaurant job, without a purpose. It killed her mentally.

All she wanted was to help people. Actually make a difference in their lives. She felt like a servant, not living up to her potential. But still some people noticed her empathy. Her caring nature. They’d thank her for caring so much about a job, that isn’t respected by society as a whole. They would observe through her mannerisms, she was different than most. She radiated love in a crowd of hate. She was unaware of this. She was naive, like a child who never gave up on people.

   Then one day they were able to extinguish her flame. Some days were trying inbetween, ingrained in Suz’s mind. Days filled with the rude customer, the jealous co-worker, the untrustworthy friend, and the unappreciative lover are all culprits in Suz’s life. Those who walk around with their heart on their sleeve; attract more people to please. And not all these people were worthy of understanding Suz. She just didn’t know how to close doors.

But she was calculated survivalist, an introspective philosopher, a soulful storyteller, a secretive singer, and a good listener. A little frame but a lot of hidden personality. For awhile, she’d hide from the world, healing the wounds from the vultures outside. Blaming herself for being in such situations at first, then realizing the people who hurt her were like breakable glass.

What drove Suz over the edge finally, was exhaustion and a lack of faith in humanity. She no longer entirely blames herself now. For years, she dealt with manipulative partners, family members, and friends. The constant guilt trips, belittling, gaslighting, and lack of support finally clipped her wings. And boy did they come off!

Waking up in the hospital was odd fif her. So many drugs in her system, reality felt further than ever away. Suz knew she needed the time away from the world though. To venture into a pill induced zombie state. She ached, threw up, couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t look anyone in the eye anymore. Shame took over her light and brought in the darkness. But Suz never feared the dark. She resided in the depths of it most her life. She tried to fight her way out of it most her life. But there was always some villian; ready to end her streak of favorable outcomes.

She weeped in pity for them. She weeped not because she was a victim too much; but because they never bothered to truly understand her. And deep down, she felt like she could try to understand a different perspective. She still had helpful intentions admidst all the forgiveness she granted. She was a lover, not a fighter, but fighting a world full of fighters. Until it became too exhausting, too much to digest.

She’s resorted to kindness instead in troubling situations and no longer had seen it as a weakness. Assertiveness if all else failed. The attention seeker, the homewrecker, the drunk, the fake friend, the manipulator, the stalker, the womanizer, the bad influence. She sees them all now for what they are; projectors. Projectors, projecting their problems onto other people in hopes of feeling less of their own reality. Like a drug, Suz felt like her energy was drained by these types of people. The other problem was they found others like them. Others who echoed their destructive behavior, or even reinforced it. And shame is less likely too, when people echo your bad behavior. Most of them avoided shame.

Suz often felt she had to deal with the effects of seeing people for who they were at a point in time. She was saddened by what they could be. She would think:

Everyone has a story of why they feel the need to cope in destructive ways. Instead of facing the reality though, they choose fantasy. I don’t know why I can’t escape into fantasy land anymore. Haha. I’ve sunken too far into the depths of despair. 

But at the time, Suz didn’t realize it was what ultimately created her character. All the things she suffered at the hands of others only solidified herself in the end.