I know the look in his eyes and he is looking for a superficially pride to fill up all that is missing inside. I could cook, clean, and run around like a machine but it wouldn’t impress him. He doesn’t care. He only feels his own pain. I could watch Martha Stewart ritually and come out of the kitchen with a 7 tier cake and get a WOW! A wow really. I could walk through the Sahara saving him from death and i’d get a thanks. WOW! Then he would ask me to stop at the nearest store buy him some snacks cuz’ he left his wallet somewhere again. Somewhere again. In the milky way it is flying around us, passing satellites and eventually boom! WOW! Its there again to buy something for himself. How amazing. I call it the greatest wallet magic trick ever overly used. I don’t why my heart beats around him. No I really don’t know because I think now it isn’t love but pure anxiety. I think it could explode again if he has to make one more public scene for his enjoyment like he is so hotshot on youtube pulling pranks. C’mon grow up. They aren’t clever. Be clever and nice it will go farther. Oh my bad I think, I know nothing about social norms. I only make commission off of being nice to people. I don’t think my thoughts are even worth expressing to this person because they just want to hurt my feelings even if I am right. WOW this is messed up! If I am wrong, it’s more pain. I know it’s there and I keep thinking, why the hell are you in it? Get the heck out. This could end up  even crazier. And so it does, and so I am left with nothing but what I thought and never said. Which is my gift and curse. Wouldn’t trade it for a blank page.

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