This past week I feel there has been a death in my soul. I have not been on here much. Was working on change. Now, I am not trying to sound emo but it is what it is. Change fooled me. Thought this was my time to be the light against the dark but another hand extinguished my flame again. I am saddened I have once again been misunderstood by those around me. My struggles, my goals, my quirky behavior, my eccentric interests, and my humbleness. All of this has once again been horribly perceived as being a mediocre person overall. I feel my attributes have this horrific downfall and somewhat comedic downfall at the same time. I feel like I am the person who would wait their whole life to attend a evening event like the Oscars, pay thousands to go, make sure all attire is okay, and precisely plan every moment only to end up with toilet paper on my shoe. I would study for a test for weeks and end up missing the one question I felt confident on and getting all the answers I guessed at correct. I have always had the unexpected happen to me.
I don’t know how to cope with this other than humor. Other than, hopping in my car and singing so loud I irritate everyone. Other than dancing so much the neighbor probably hates me. Other than smiling so much someone walks by and thinks i am either nuts or rich as heck. I don’t know how I would cope without this platform to speak upon. Even if it is to no one. I really do not care at all.
I just hope this helps someone else. I hope when they feel misunderstood they read this and can get back what part was taken from them. I hope I inspire them to put on their PJs and go mow the lawn if they like. If I were their neighbor I wouldn’t stare, I would probably join them. I am tired of feeling this immense pressure to fit in my whole life. I know people are most capable of great things when they feel as if they can be themselves. From now on, I live how I want to.