Suz felt overwhelmed secretly after the interaction with Ciera. More like drained. She knew she didn’t mean to be a burden upon her but her presence just was.
Ciera came from an unknown world to Suz. One filled with support, love, money, and opportunities. It was all in front of her; but it seemed Ciera could not stick to something. Oftentimes, she would complain to Suz she had no passion for anything and just wanted to hang around until her parents passed. They wanted her to be somebody though. She wanted to be a nobody.
The situation sickened Suz because she would have killed for her opportunities. She fought for anything that came her way. Even the jobs no one wanted. She told herself it’d mean something to someone, someday. Suz knew if she were in Ciera’s shoes, her parents would have been proud. She would have been successful. Money had ALWAYS been a like an invisible blade poking between her rib cage. No one saw it. No doctor could find it. No wealthy friend could understand it. It was always there though; waiting in the dark before she shut her eyes every night.
I feel like I gave someone free therapy right now. I like her but I don’t think she understands struggle enough. Maybe her parents should cut back her shopping sprees. I feel like I’m in a totally different world than her. She wakes up and is worried about her outfit like in High school. I wake up worrying about becoming homeless because I never have enough money to just live. To live and make something of myself. Why do I have to pay a house worth of debt for an education? Why?! I get paying some money but I feel like I was sold a false dream wrapped in a perfect package to take advantage of the middle class. I’m living a game that had so many barriers to begin with; I’ve let myself become shackled though. How do I escape this? She thinks.
Her eyes transition over to a happy family. They are unaware of her presence, as she admires their careful and tender qualities. She can tell that child will be the next Ciera of the world. She hopes though it has enough ambition unlike Ciera to become someone worth being around.
Are they too protective of their child? Enabling? Perhaps not. At some point people make a decision to give up. Ciera gave up on everything she ever started. It was in her nature at a young age. I remember. This kid over here though could become the next Elon Musk. Who knows. Maybe just a piano prodigy. Whatever it is, it can be terrific at because of the love and support of their family. I need to stop assigning destiny’s to children. Haha. I guess I’m just afraid of what is to come in this world. I guess sometimes it’s hard to see the love, support, and open-mindedness on this planet when people are only concerned it seems with themselves.
The walk was a tough one. A conversation inside her mind, leading to conclusions she felt like she once came to anyway.
I can’t help but feel like I’m always fighting the world out there. I try to be myself but people want me to be like them. I don’t ask anyone to change. I love the difference between each person I know. If we were all the same everything would be boring. Why do people care so much about opinions? Why do they try to mold others rather than focus the parts of one another that are in common? Why is there this underlying narcissist culture? Since when did people become even more this way?
Suz pondered this question often and attributed it to internet culture, the educational institutions, curriculums, rural vs urban background, lack of mental health access and research, work related stress, divorce… She found it seemed a lot of factors contributes to an “all about me” culture. Nothing was really about helping bring people up. Something major was always bringing down narcissistic people. Something deep inside was chewing up their insides. But to Suz, to lose all empathy is to lose oneself. She could never understand not helping someone else even if she really couldn’t. Each person that walked away from helping someone to her was just as bad as being the person who made you lose your empathy in the first place.
No religion taught her this either. Nothing she read. This was taught through hours of loneliness, staring at floorboards, walls, ceilings, just thinking. This was said over and over to herself everytime she lost hope in the human race. And it slowly helped. Slowly, she noticed smiles more often. Slowly, she noticed the person who put their cart back perfectly (Not the one scrapping a car, then leaving theirs in the parking lot). Slowly, the rude people in the world disintegrated into nothingness inside her mind. And all those who shined, shined ever so brightly; that it blocked out all the cloudly-like faces.
Perception. It’s all about perception. She thought. Then finally let out a smile.