Staring Blankly Into My Coffee

She stares blankly into her coffee, rotating the spoon, trying to reach the bottom of the cup.

I’m done trying to reach the bottom. I don’t want to end up like Nietzsche. She thinks.

The sun peaks in. Her eyes no longer hurt from crying, trying to stare at it without pain. Skin has already regained it’s color. Hair feels softer, healthier. Her mind working on overdrive, trying to make up for lost time. Her heart is too sad to hold onto anger. Some people really just hate themselves. There’s no way to help sometimes. They just die inside your mind.

The world looks terrible and beautiful at the same time now. No sense to be made out of it anymore. Just to create, build, and take care of herself. Just live, breathe, rest, and stay away from all the noise. She always wanted to stop the noise in other people’s lives, though. How silly? How silly I was?!

It feels weird now, thinking about herself. Neglect was normal in her life. Sometimes it was necessary, to try to save the lost souls around her. Sometimes it was just an impulsive, self destructive act on her part. It felt like she jumped into the flames, before anyone even asked.

Why did I just jump? Have I forgotten my own value? I think so. But the fear I have of overconfidence and narcissism, could also explain why I choose to be the polar opposite. But to be the opposite, is to attract the person who needs you as a supply. I just cannot win. But can I? Did I? I am still myself, maybe weakened for now. But I realize I was deceived. There is no shame now. I loved, you lost. It was inevitable. It was all your game, but I ended up throwing the board in the end. Why did you make me have to chose, to either love myself or you? Because all you wanted was someone to fill a void, only you could fill yourself. She thinks, then rotates the spoon in her coffee one more time, watching the clouds roll in.

Maybe I’ll just stand in the rain for a while. Cleanse all of the toxic projections and deflections out of my mind, put there by those who can’t even love themselves. It’s time to take care of myself, and surround myself with beautiful minds. 


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