I’ve been trying to process all this. All the years of torment I suffered at the hands of disingenuous men. It crashes into my sleep like waves, bringing in nightmares, leaving pieces of what puzzles I try to solve. Why? Is the question I always end up asking? Why treat someone so badly they end up afraid of every noise, dark corner, and life itself? Why? Were these characters that insecure I would leave they had to demean me to get me to stay? There’s no logic there. Was it revenge? I will never have answers and you know what? That’s okay. I know there are others out there with unanswered questions and genuine hearts.
All I have is fragments sometimes. A fragmented mind, body and memory that can’t even process all the past. And the aftermath will be part of my life for a while until my mind decides I can handle another piece of the puzzle. What did I do to deserve to be left in pieces? I don’t want any sympathy and i know it may seem that way but I just want to understand. I just want to grow from my mistakes, set healthy boundaries, and see red flags when they are waving. I have looked back and realized in some ways I’d given away my power by reacting. I won’t make that mistake again in the future or give someone the upper hand by going on the defense. I’ll just walk away knowing some battles are better off not fought. It’s a hard pill to swallow but your energy is sacred and deserves to be put towards a beautiful destiny.
And I’m not going to lie. It isn’t easy on certain days. Especially when I’m trying so hard to trust people again but all I find is pain sometimes. Pain that happens for no good reason so I sit alone and introspect, refuel then try to find a way to have faith again. But that’s when it usually hits me: I won the battle by myself. For no one, no matter how much pain they caused, can take away my faith in the end. I still want to recognize the good people in this world, no matter what has happened. No one will ever take that away from me. ❤