Apples In Your Eyes

There were apples in your eyes

But to my surprise

Turned out to be forbidden

Poisonous inside

Branches break

Under the weight

Evil steering you away from fate

Had me following a trail of clues

Only to discover a false muse

Her lips red but hiding a bruise

Her head upright but hiding screws

In the neck

——–

Thought it was our garden of Eden

But it wasn’t our season

All that was ripe

Has rotted today

Turned to particles

I breathe away

———

You were a king in my eyes

But all the lies

Turned out to cost you paradise

Forest entry denied

With inflated pride

Days go by

Like dark shorelines

With only saltwater to drink

Gave to you something divine

You shunned away all of humankind

Broke the hourglass of time

Now it’s slowly running out

Our time has run out

Planted a seed of doubt

In myself

Changed my route.

Wait For Me

He says wait for me

Pitch a tent by the sea

Don’t try and come rescue me

Cause’ I’m not worth your last buoy

You filled the world with your tears for me

You swam the darkest waters until you had to flee

Now just bask in the reality

Your love is unstoppably free

———

She’ll cross hell for you

Cut her oxygen until she’s blue

Let you think she doesn’t have a clue

When you twist the knife in her back

For the false few

Who wouldn’t do a thing for you

———-

He says sing to me

I miss your voice, soothing melodies

No one can carry me out of the darkness I seek

Cause I need the light you bring to me

You filled the room with air to breathe

Told the demons start paying a fee

Now rest your head on a pillow, no need to see

You fought a war against me for me.

Miss Silent

She looks down at a broken body that is unrecognizable. Nothing feels connected. Hands to feet, head to spine; it no longer feels like its own. A droid, who has been replaced with obscure parts after each incident of trauma. The brain, overwhelmed, but attempting to rewire itself to all the new pieces. Sparks flying, as she smiles brokenly and no one notices it’s just hiding an avalanche of tears that could flood the world for all of its sins. F**k. She can’t hold it inside anymore. It has to go somewhere.

Have you ever had someone take your soul? Pull it down to the depths of an abyss of sh*t and make you stare right at it while it’s on fire? God, I can’t help but hate him. I can’t help it anymore. The day he dies from his own self destruction will be the day I come back alive. She thinks.

She fought the demons in her sleep; woke up with burns. She fought the devil at her feet; woke up with cold limbs. Awakened to a woman hovering above her face with the brightest yet darkest eyes. And she screamed so loud all the forests would have shaken to the ground. Yet still, no one even heard a sound. They formed their circles all around, laughing and gossiping. She laid down, her head on the concrete, staring at what was left of her body. Staring at the front door, hoping just one genuine person in the world would knock. No one ever came.

They’re right. No one is going to save you from the monsters in your head. No one is going to save you from the monsters outside either. I will never understand why? Why did you have to take what wasn’t yours? I can’t sleep at night without your visits into my fu**king beautiful dreams. I can’t stop fighting this disease you put in my head so I lucid dream. I plant palm trees, cats, and sunshine in literal paths where you haunt my unconscious. I am afraid to sleep alone and afraid to sleep by someone. I am afraid one day you will reach me again. I have been running so long now I can’t feel my feet. Sometimes I wish I could go to heaven already. But I realize I’m here to teach the demons on the ground a lesson.

She’s meeting a woman at noon who is living in an illusion and has no idea. She knows the mirrors will be shattered, time will revert back to normal, and her heart might just feel like it’s going to explode like a bloody supernova. Her eyes may swell so much from crying the nerves behind them could enlarge. The wall’s normal sounds could start to be a threat and every person who passes by her home could be his retaliation. She wants to prevent this all. Miss Silent gives the magic door to escape the ultimate sequence of trauma. That’s her purpose out of all the unnecessary trauma; be the magic in a void.

Her hands move anxiously around a coffee cup. Changing positions every two seconds like the plagued mind on overdrive thanks to this son of a b***h.

He doesn’t probably give a hoot, lounging in his PJ pants, and watching the latest law and order while being unjust trash. Someone should smash the tv set with a hammer and make him looked into a mirror. Miss Silent thinks.

“I don’t understand if I’m being unreasonable. He may not be up to anything. He could be just at work. Maybe this is silly.” The distraught women says.

“Does it feel like someone kicked your stomach?”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

After a long pause mixed with fear, she says yes.

“Just let me help but you must trust me more than him. More than any person right now in your life. And it might be the strangest request you might have to fulfill, but everything you know is an illusion. I’m the dose of painful reality that will bring about your awakening.” Miss Silent says with an unshakable confidence.

Safe Box

In the safe box where no one can hurt me
Recovering from fighting all these adversities
Don’t want to be found, threw away the keys
Found freedom being a recluse, living in dreams
World full of illusionists, I won’t crawl on my knees
Rather be alone than fit in with these beings.

Social Media & Facades

We’re living in a day and age where people can just create facades online. I grew up with the fortunate experience of when you wanted to meet someone, you had to call them and meet up. There was no sneaky way of hiding behind a mask. A facade back then would rapidly dissipate into a billion fragments of nothingness. But now, we have an issue with social media. And perhaps, some people don’t understand why I go on these tangents about the toxicity of it. Well, because it’s destroying the mental and sometimes physical well being of the human population. Not just the victims of these kinds of perpetrators are suffering but those who do anything to maintain this image. They’ll self destruct just for the likes, follows, and validation.

They’ll take enhancement drugs, stomp on vulnerable people, and even use subtle covert bullying tactics. Everyone on the outside sees nothing but just a simple post, while the bullied victim knows the real meaning behind it; derived from previous private conversations. They’ll steal other people’s ideas and create a narrative that they have this obsessed weirdo who copies them. Haha. Anything to stay on the fake podium they created. Anything to keep those who are authentic competition feeling like they should leave the playing field. It’s like the kid in competitive sports who yells at their competitors at the worst time in order to humiliate them. We all know one of those, right? Well now with social media they’re some adults with keywords.

And people say don’t call them out? Don’t engage? Well what are you supposed to do when platforms don’t take reports seriously and just let bullying carry on. They’ll imply you perhaps need tougher skin? Nah. I would like to be the softer version of myself without having to turn into a nightmare to protect myself from these vultures. Haha. I would like to feel safe to be vulnerable instead of feeling like I am attracting a bunch of crows attempting to dig into my flesh and find an Achilles heel. It’s unfortunate that I try to maintain composure by not engaging with negative energy vampires but some of them seem to take that approach as a challenge. And the more boundaries I put up the more they try to infiltrate my walls. I personally build until it’s like the great wall of china. Haha. I guess tiring them out is the best strategy.

No one will ever tear me down now that I’ve been through it all but I do worry about the younger generation of vulnerable people. This world needs change and that kind of change needs to expand to how we interact with eachother online. It’s easy to forget there are real humans behind a screen but I hope it becomes normalized to think before hitting post. Thanks for listening. Thanks for the support.

Mister Pretend

Didn’t see it coming

Thought I was naive

I was playing chess

While you had checkers up your sleeve

Bastet came from inside of me

Egyptian mythology

Entered in my dreams

Sucked your blood until it ran clean

The gods above forgave me

Went back to who I used to be

Softer, loving

Forgiving all atrocities

_______

You will never ascend

Mister pretend

Eventually your body will turn to dust

So I don’t have to lend

My energy

To your will

To your will

Time is on my side

While I remain still

________

Didn’t see it coming

Thought I was bluffing

I was playing poker

While you hit the lever for nothing

Athena emerged from inside of me

Greek mythology

Came to me in my dreams

Instead of battle, had a strategy

The wise do not speak

Know when to fight

To keep

It locked up inside

Swallow our pride

But Mister Pretend

Spins his web

Trapped in lies

Creates his show

While little they know…

The truth behind who he’s hurt.

Love

She’s not a victim anymore but a survivor. She has scars that carry stories forever. At one point in time the sight of them could make the world want to be blind, but now she wears them with grace. Every moment she breathes is a moment where they don’t win. Every word she writes, they see and must face their own false self, created out of the imaginary. She will never be silenced. The illusions once created are theirs to keep, shackling them to the ground and internally she knows they weep. Unable to speak because the truth would break away the fallacy they created for the world to see. The “I never needed her.” “She was nothing to me.”

Love. What is love? She asks. Love does not change when someone is sick, poor or struggling. Love withstands the pressure of all outside forces trying to conquer it. Love does not stand aside when the person you were supposed to protect is being cornered by those who are unworthy of having that power. It defends and defeats those who try to destroy it. And if you walk away leaving a wounded person on a battlefield, what should it be called? Desertion.

But in her case, this desertion brought her resurrection. And oddly enough, she bears scars on three out of four limbs. She carries the weight like a feather, because they ended up creating something that will never lose its light. Will never go to the pits of the darkness again, but understands the necessity of it. She has learned to stand alone and never let another impose on her will. And this was the most valuable lesson of her life. You see? These scars no longer represent the darkness but the will she had to fight for love.

To Chronic Pain Sufferers

I’ve been waiting to write this and I don’t know why. This year has been a blur of all the darkest colors on the spectrum. The pain, lack of sleep, isolation, and lack of understanding of what I’m up against has sort of forced me to write this. As well as realizing some people were meant to exit my life so I could try to submit and battle this awful syndrome all at the same time.

Having one of the worst chronic pain conditions truly taught me about myself and others. It’s shown me I would have to be one strong person to face this. I’ve crawled on really bad days, cried silently, and then smiled in the face of this devilish syndrome with no relinquishment of pain. It’s all the same: burning, coldness, discoloration, numbness, and stabbing. Sometimes I stumble over words as if my brain cannot process what is going on like a computer network being ddosed with too much information. I tremor now trying to fight the signals as my nervous system decides to overload them throughout my body.

And there is nothing that can prepare someone for this kind of h*ll on earth. There is nothing that can prepare someone for the judgments, ignorance, and misguided advice you will receieve either. You have to prepare yourself. You have to read the best sources, fight for the best care, live at appointments, and shut out those who just want to criticize. You have to find the people who will help you. They are out there but hiding away from a world where a lack of empathy is ruling most of the mainstream thought processes. You can’t change some people either, but never give up hope in finding those who will understand. They are out there waiting to be found just like you. Be patient with yourself, kind to yourself and it will be okay. Sometimes we must fight battles we never expected, but just know you’re not alone. ❤

Back Alive

She used to be a sad girl by name

She used to stay up crying, it’s so lame

All the boys who broke her heart never complained

About their own sickness driving her insane

Ohhh, she had it bad

Ohhh, she had the sads

You could see it in her eyes

She wore it like a glove inside

Buried her head in their sea of lies

Until she drowned then came back alive

____

And I don’t hate you

I feel sorry you will never feel love

I feel sorry you cursed the angels above

While the devil carried away your dove

_____

She’s no longer the sad girl you tamed

She’s no longer taking all the blame

All the boys who left come running back again

Trying to find the answer to their pain

Ohhh, she doesn’t have the question

Ohhh, it’s in your confession

You can’t see it but it’s in the obsession

Of caring what they all think when they’re beyond redemption

I stand in my own power now

My logic beyond your comprehension

Embark on my journey

Feel my wings glide amidst all the tension.

No Erase Button

I cannot erase the image from my mind. He had eyes so vacant they could compete with a clear night sky. He was the dark while I wished for a single bright star to manifest; as if it could be a sign of hope. But no such star would ever be seen.

All the good memories now seem like a fabrication of reality. An experience which she was only present for and he was absent. No wonder she felt so alone even in his presence. Pouring love into a fallacy, as if it could save the illusion he created. It became clear all the dark energy around him now consumed the light in his eyes. Until she could no longer recognize who he was; left with the image of a stranger. And he’s now smoking his life away on a lonely bench with no destination. Choosing a slow demise over love and life.

The hardest thing is to love someone but be put in a position where you must chose yourself. The hardest thing to do is to watch someone fall apart and let the universe step in. The hardest thing is seeing someone be loyal to their own lies and enablers while you are left watching the tradegy unfold. And in your heart, you wished they chose a different path. In your heart, lies the aftermath of the image of what they could have been.