At night time

My eyes are blind

It smells like turpentine

Through my senses

I lost you to your glass of wine

Bottle of pills a sign

You were running from time

I cried silently

My heart in a bind

I saw a little boy

Who needed a stable mind

——————–

I forgive you

But I’ll forget you

Standing on the ashes

Of all your cigarettes

Standing on the glass

Of all your shots, I bet

All the time you spent

Running away

Will never erase the day

I left

I left

———————-

During the daytime

I open my eyes

It smells like sunshine

Through my senses

I lost you but I’m no longer second

Searching for my own piece of heaven

Only needing myself to beckon

I smile openly

My heart is here with me

No longer a little girl

Who needed a little boy to see

Why she had to leave him be

Live in his own fantasy

So she could create reality

Create a new reality.

There was a time when everything was a blur. As if everything was no longer her choice and she lied upon the floor waiting to be torn down by a man who had no soul. And the world would say “just leave” as if it was that simple. As if she came from a privileged enough state to do so. Those two words would echo in her head until she realized she was surrounded by those who couldn’t fathom what it was like to be trapped. Trapped between floorboards, forgotten, scratching for a way out; like a little mouse who was considered a nuisance. Then finally she broke free, but was fooled once again with a counterfeit kind of freedom offered by another soulless man. A man who saw her misfortune as an opportunity to erode her to what he wanted: a doll with no soul.

He made her feel used, unwanted, and cumbersome. And if he ever apologized, the room felt even colder with its insincerity. There was nothing there but darkness. The kind that could devour any strong soul and take out its spine. But even with her broken feet, she fought to keep a part of herself alive. She fought to keep her bones intact: literally and figuratively.

She rose out of the shackles, scars and all, like none of it mattered. Why? Because it didn’t mean a thing to him. And as crushing as it was to come to that realization, it was her ticket to real love and freedom. He fell in love with her shell while she feel in love with the person he made up inside his head. He thought she was dumb enough to fall for it forever, but the book was written too many times on her before. She looks back on it as if he crafted a story, then as she read all the lines, the binding fell apart. It fell on the ground below, was drenched then eroded away to nothing until she was set free.

And now the sun gleams through in the morning to remind her there are breaks from the shadows that haunt her memories. There will always be her light against the dark, against the crafted illusions of others and if she spreads her wings she can see the angelic faces in this world. And how triumphant it feels to escape the grasp of darkness and find a reason to love yourself again. How empowering it is to be able to live like a free woman once again.

Took what wasn’t yours

Now I’ll take what’s mine

Standing on a tightrope it feels

While trying to see beautiful skies

And I know you can’t live with what you’ve done

It’s fighting inside your head

In a battle that can’t be won

I hope it tortures your soul

Like it did to mine

Because I’ll never forgive that kind of unkind

——————–

I hope God shows mercy upon your soul

Then sends it to the fire below

Sends it to the fire below

——————–

Try to take what you think is yours

I’ll guard what’s mine behind closed doors

Even though I’m broken & sore

Standing on a pile of embers

While you try to keep score

I know you won’t last with your own thoughts

It’s devouring your head

Forming untangible knots

I hope it tortures your soul

Like it did to mine

Because I’ll never forgive that kind of unkind

————–

I hope God shows mercy upon your soul

Then sends it to the fire below

Sends it to the fire below

When you become sick you realize who your true friends and family are. It’s extremely isolating at times but also can be a way to transcend on your own. And when you go from literally crawling like I did on bruised knees to any kind of improvement you sort of feel like a superhero. It’s empowering to go through your own trials alone.

One thing for sure, people who have not experienced a major health crisis or chronic illness can be the most frustrating to deal with. They believe a positive attitude is like a magical pill to wellness. Yes, it doesn’t help to be depressed but some days it is a normal reaction to suffering. I think this relates to a thing I like to call toxic positivity culture. Why as a society have we determined normal emotions as a disorder? Or generally speaking as something wrong with the person? They could be responding to life events, trauma, suffering, and something you don’t even acknowledge. But why are people expected to wear a smile all the time or live in isolation? Phrases like “good vibes only” really tick me off. And I’ve found those who live behind a facade of only positive emotions eventually succumb to the inevitable negative emotions. Why? Because it’s human. There is no need to feel shame about it.

Are all songs, all artists, all cultures a happy pop like anthem? No. But we admire it all because it showcases the human condition. It’s relatable, makes us feel less guilt for not achieving this kind of perfected toxic positivity I see everywhere.

People should not try to be defined by cliche quotes on timelines. Nor should they seek validation from those who have such unattainable expectations that do not exist in reality. The truth can be unkind, painful, just like an illness but if it’s not faced it can lead to consequences like mental health crises, suicide, and a guilt induced state of mind. No one is perfect every week like the image they try to attain. No one is always smiling. So remember when you feel guilt for not fitting into the toxic positivity culture, there are others who don’t as well. And it takes courage to sit and face darkness rather than live in denial of it. ❤

You’re always

Always (puttin’ your shiii on me)

Always, always are (puttin’ your shiii on me)

————

Must be nice to

Have someone to blame for you

Must be a nice thing to do

Have someone to break in two

Escape your own faults for a few

Gaslit me until I was blue

While you were already untrue

And I’ll never say I do

So go pawn the ring you fool

Sit on your same bar stool

You decided to be everyone’s tool

Turn against me, be cruel

Party like it’s still high school

Still taking life tests in a vestibule

But really reduced to a molecule

For living by immoral rules

——-

You’re always

Always (puttin’ your shiii on me)

Always, always are (puttin’ your shiii on me)

———-

Must be nice to

Shell out all that ridicule

Must be a nice thing to do

Have someone to demean for a few

But now who’s in a whirlpool

Eyes so dark, looking like a ghoul

Fall asleep with bar skanks and drool

Wake up without your jewel

Singing all her songs you said were uncool

Told you one day I’d strengthen up

Ready for a duel

Never going to play by your rules

Never going to be your fuel

You can’t hold down anyone

Jokes on you

Haha, jokes on you.

I’ve been trying to process all this. All the years of torment I suffered at the hands of disingenuous men. It crashes into my sleep like waves, bringing in nightmares, leaving pieces of what puzzles I try to solve. Why? Is the question I always end up asking? Why treat someone so badly they end up afraid of every noise, dark corner, and life itself? Why? Were these characters that insecure I would leave they had to demean me to get me to stay? There’s no logic there. Was it revenge? I will never have answers and you know what? That’s okay. I know there are others out there with unanswered questions and genuine hearts.

All I have is fragments sometimes. A fragmented mind, body and memory that can’t even process all the past. And the aftermath will be part of my life for a while until my mind decides I can handle another piece of the puzzle. What did I do to deserve to be left in pieces? I don’t want any sympathy and i know it may seem that way but I just want to understand. I just want to grow from my mistakes, set healthy boundaries, and see red flags when they are waving. I have looked back and realized in some ways I’d given away my power by reacting. I won’t make that mistake again in the future or give someone the upper hand by going on the defense. I’ll just walk away knowing some battles are better off not fought. It’s a hard pill to swallow but your energy is sacred and deserves to be put towards a beautiful destiny.

And I’m not going to lie. It isn’t easy on certain days. Especially when I’m trying so hard to trust people again but all I find is pain sometimes. Pain that happens for no good reason so I sit alone and introspect, refuel then try to find a way to have faith again. But that’s when it usually hits me: I won the battle by myself. For no one, no matter how much pain they caused, can take away my faith in the end. I still want to recognize the good people in this world, no matter what has happened. No one will ever take that away from me. ❤

She sits alone. Once again, all alone. The sound of her most loyal company waits: an obese squirrel she overfed. It has all her interest but at times it doesn’t seem to care. Just like some people, it eventually just expects what it has always been given then taking everything for granted. And all the rest of the squirrels it fights off, take their weary, underweight bodies to the ground below to live off his scraps. They look up at his beast-like nature, partially in awe and partially filled with resentment as if to say: how does he not realize what he has?

So odd how the world works in this way, and how much you can learn about human beings by observing animals. You give your attention to another living creature and it becomes almost as if it is just there. Like an object, just there for the taking. So sad how it seems to work this way with most creatures that barely seem to notice they don’t breathe like those who are truly alive. Like those who would rather breathe life into others than focus upon what they can receive out of it. Treating people like 401 k’s, like stocks, like their only worth is how many dollars they have in their bank account.

I’m just in an out of this world mentality. I don’t mentally reside in the malls, the fancy car, and the expensive events. Something in me has changed due to suffering. Due to being the squirrel on the ground, looking at all the ones above me for too long and deciding I’m okay with being down here with the forgotten. It has turned me into an appreciative, resourceful, empathetic, relatable, and humble human being. No money, no objects, and no person with a higher status can take this away from me. They’ve tried but failed in the end because I would rather have nothing than lose myself to what I perceive is a threat to the most beautiful souls in the world: inequality.