It really felt like he was there. His disgusting, alcohol-filled breath, mixed with an inability to give any compassion cocktail. Thank goodness it was just a nightmare so she could awaken to what felt like a dream. But of course, he just couldn’t let her be in her four walls of decay. Couldn’t let her blindly seek to crawl her way out of the false reality he forged with tactical gaslighting. Sleep deprivation, degradation, over-sexualization, with the occasional admiration; just to mess with her head.

His voice echoed: You’re crazy.

Hers screamed: It’s crazy to chose to torture someone you love.

At one point in time, those closest to her couldn’t fathom such tactics would be used in this world. It was an invisible war, constructed to cause her instability, rage, sadness, and an overall breakdown.

I’m done. I’m so done with being a toy on the ground for the vilest people in the world try to play with. When is someone actually going to give a crap about how their actions hurt other people? Is it that difficult for some people?! She thinks.

Everything has become so clear to her now. The rose-colored glasses are now smashed to the ground. Nothing real ever existed there. And if it did, it could never be enjoyed. Endless competition, proving her worth, and a battlefield where in the end she was left in the center with no one shielding her. A bunch of cowards operating in a pack, going after what they perceived was the weakest person, but in fact was the strongest. And in that moment, she rose, took off the armor, threw her sword and left the fight. For sometimes it’s better not to turn into what you despise.

Tried to shut me up

But I grew louder instead

All those bullets built up

Turned me to lead

Lucky I didn’t burn the bed

Where your heart rests while it’s dead

But I’m still standing in this cool, dark place

I’ve gotten used to it

My friends say it’s a waste

But oh I see so clearly

All the people who have their back to me

And it’s okay

Yeah, it’s okay

—-

Go ahead and turn back around

Avoid eye contact

Try to make me frown

None of these people are going to get me down

I just spin my chair up until it’s doesn’t come down

—-

Tried to crack me open

But I didn’t make a sound

All those knives in my back

Turned right around

Could have played nice

But you chose the ground

Now eat the dirt

You thought was the miracle you found

I’m no longer bound

And that’s okay

Oh, it’s okay.

In the day and age where social media has become ingrained into our daily lives, I have to ask the question: is this healthy? The answer is both yes and no. It ultimately depends on the person behind the keyboard.

Imagine you are a puppet master and all your friends or followers are attached to your online version of self with strings. These strings can either control them or they can control their own reaction based upon the authenticity of your online persona. Too many people are creating a version of themselves online that is extreme, brash, egotistical, shallow, materialistic, and/or pretentious. And I hate to say it, but it is always creating a mirroring of these qualities based upon the initial influencers influence they have upon others. This is problematic because the more people give into this false sense of self, the more they succumb to attracting other false personas into their real life or perspectives. So before you go out on the social media turf, think about what you want to attract and why. Think about who you are potentially pushing away as well by posting this hard-shelled version of yourself.

And boy, is this kind of antic rewarded heavily with likes, comments, and follows. The rush of dopamine invades the psyche like the nicotine rush of a cigarette. But is it rewarding long term? Does it actually feel fulfilling at the end of the night? Many won’t admit this, but it doesn’t. If anything it hinders the ability to connect with others based upon vulnerabilities, reality, and an honest exchange of perceptions of life. It cuts like a knife through all those who are intelligent enough to see through your facade. And then you look around you, realize you’re surrounded by a bunch of people who are actually afraid to speak their truth, lack healthy self confidence, and haven’t developed the ability to get validation through themselves. When you think about it, most of these traits come from a sort of narcissism. This narcissism is not going to be appealing to those who are authentically being themselves, introspecting, and have healthy self-esteem. Eventually, they will find more appealing influences to admire. So to those who say social media isn’t real life, I beg to differ. If it didn’t have an effect on real life, then people wouldn’t be so invested in it, we wouldn’t see a lot of people on their phones. It is ultimately up to you to create a healthy and authentic version of yourself online so choose wisely.

Think you’re getting the last laugh

When as long as you hate me

The jokes on you

Came around again to see if I’m a fool

I stared straight ahead

Playing it cool

Nothing to say to you

Go take your lack of change

Clean your suit

Save yourself

Or the universe will give you the boot?

Like you did to me, fool

Imagine being thrown out

Not knowing what to do

In such a state of shock

You didn’t know your own bone was broken in two

With your skin turning blue

So much unnecessary suffering

You know it’s true

——

It will find you in your dreams

Cracked your ego with your own tool

Just a sad soul

Living in a fantasy version of reality

Trying to run away from all the fallacies

At a low vibrational high school community monstrosity

Staggering around like lifeless ghouls

———

Think you’re winning some competition

When as long as your competing with everyone else

The trophies not for you

Came around again to see if I’m still on the pavement

But I’m staring at the cracks in the cement

Finding the flower growing amidst

The chaos that ensued

So go take your already wilting bouquet

Endless mind games with wordplay

I’m down here finding the people

Who want to stay away

From the people who enslave their next day.

      She had a heart of gold but you all painted her as the monster to avoid the truth, painful reality, accountability, and necessary introspection. She’s been dragging a black bag full of your insults, distorted realities, and diluted introspections around for years. Beating herself up inside until it all became clear.

Cripple. No one will ever want you. I just want you to have my children.
You’re stupid. You’re crazy. You’re entitled. You’re cumbersome. Gold digger. Lazy. You’re nothing without me. You don’t appreciate anything.

      It played inside her mind over and over again until she decided no, I am not any of these things. None of these people actually cared enough to know me, love me, or accept me. They were essentially throwing insults at a stranger. Throwing rocks from a glass house that was breaking beneath their feet. She was the target, running back and forth, trying to avoid the shattered glass while repairing the windows.
     But you know what? At least she was able to introspect, see what she needed to change in herself. No healthy boundaries, low self-esteem, no self-worth,  bad coping habits, and an inability to stand up for herself. This cocktail was the perfect concoction to attract the broken people in this world.
     So you were all right in a way, I needed to change some things about myself, but a lot of this was a reaction to toxicity around me. No one deserves to be used, belittled, kicked when they’re down. No one. No one deserves to be a stranger in their relationship, used like a piece of flesh then tossed away afterwards. No one deserves to be abandoned at a time of need, and left out in the cold. No one deserves to feel like nothing because they are struggling with health issues. No one deserves to be treated like creature rather than human. So I ask these people or those doing this to others, to please have the courage to face your own demons. No one has to suffer, including yourself. Please choose the light, happiness, love, and compassionate side in this world. Even after everything that has been done to me, I just want peace. Thank you.
    

    

         I think a dream was meant for me to have and as scary as it was, I’m glad it happened. Sometimes people will say your dreams aren’t meant to be interpreted, but I beg to differ. It felt so real, I have been trying to understand it for days now.
        In this dream, I woke up to the sound of creepy scratching on my door. At first, I just stood there staring at the door thinking it wasn’t happening. Thinking it was the result of an overactive imagination. As it grew louder, my fear started to transform into anger that this was happening. How dare something invades my space in this manner?! I thought as I glanced through the peephole. It was some kind of demonic creature, staring back at me. I fell to the ground, crying and terrified, gripping my heart. Then a rage grew up inside of me, and the question asked was: am I going to lie here forever in fear? I swung the door open and stared right back at it. For a moment I saw all its darkness as it cowered. The creature howled then turned into a pile of ash at my feet.
    Other doors swung open and as I looked up, my neighbors were applauding. I once again fell over in exhaustion but they were all around me. Someone was holding up my back, while another poured water down my throat. I cried, hugged them all, and rejoiced some kind of victory. I saw light everywhere, it creeped up the hallway until it touched my cheek. I cried and instead of wiping my tears, they let me respond to a battle that almost left me with nothing.
        I think this dream was about overcoming narcissistic abuse. The questioning of scratching on my door is a representation of fighting gaslighting. Fighting your way back into trusting your perceptions are real and valid. Trusting that there are people out there who will attempt to make you believe your intuition is incorrect in order to gain control. My reluctance to face this reality because of the immense heartbreak it causes was me falling to the ground. The rage was me finally facing the fact I didn’t deserve to be treated so poorly and regaining a sense of self-worth. The creature turning into dust was no longer accepting responsibility for the abuse. No longer letting society victim-blame me or make me feel as if I have to tear myself apart to find a way to not fall into the traps vulnerable people are lured into. Those around me applauding are the people I will inspire to never accept this into their life because no one, and I mean no one deserves to be treated in such an inhumane manner. The people helping me showed me that if I help them, they will be there when I grow weary. This has been my story the last year. I am safe, loved, and equipped with the knowledge to help others. We all struggle, maybe transform without even realizing it, but when the smoke and mirrors clear our purpose is exposed. I have always asked why this happened to me, but I see now in asking that question I found an answer: to help others heal. To fight against the darkness that attempts to destroy the light in this world.
      

I loved you so much

Loved you until I almost turned to dust

And now my days are a haze

While you stay trapped in your maze

I don’t know why it had to be this way

Why you couldn’t be nice so I’d stay

I don’t know why you believe what they say

I don’t know why you live at night

Rather than day

I don’t why you pushed me so close

Then far away

——-

Couldn’t watch you destroy yourself

Couldn’t be put on a shelf

Tried to save you sacrificing myself

My heart is still broken

But now I’m someone else

——

I loved you so much

Loved you until I lost my health

And now my days are filled with pain

While you have no love to gain

I don’t know why you chose the insane

Why you couldn’t see where to place blame

I don’t know why you wanted to tame

All of me down like it was some kind of game

Always some kind of game.