Think you’re getting the last laugh

When as long as you hate me

The jokes on you

Came around again to see if I’m a fool

I stared straight ahead

Playing it cool

Nothing to say to you

Go take your lack of change

Clean your suit

Save yourself

Or the universe will give you the boot?

Like you did to me, fool

Imagine being thrown out

Not knowing what to do

In such a state of shock

You didn’t know your own bone was broken in two

With your skin turning blue

So much unnecessary suffering

You know it’s true

——

It will find you in your dreams

Cracked your ego with your own tool

Just a sad soul

Living in a fantasy version of reality

Trying to run away from all the fallacies

At a low vibrational high school community monstrosity

Staggering around like lifeless ghouls

———

Think you’re winning some competition

When as long as your competing with everyone else

The trophies not for you

Came around again to see if I’m still on the pavement

But I’m staring at the cracks in the cement

Finding the flower growing amidst

The chaos that ensued

So go take your already wilting bouquet

Endless mind games with wordplay

I’m down here finding the people

Who want to stay away

From the people who enslave their next day.

      She had a heart of gold but you all painted her as the monster to avoid the truth, painful reality, accountability, and necessary introspection. She’s been dragging a black bag full of your insults, distorted realities, and diluted introspections around for years. Beating herself up inside until it all became clear.

Cripple. No one will ever want you. I just want you to have my children.
You’re stupid. You’re crazy. You’re entitled. You’re cumbersome. Gold digger. Lazy. You’re nothing without me. You don’t appreciate anything.

      It played inside her mind over and over again until she decided no, I am not any of these things. None of these people actually cared enough to know me, love me, or accept me. They were essentially throwing insults at a stranger. Throwing rocks from a glass house that was breaking beneath their feet. She was the target, running back and forth, trying to avoid the shattered glass while repairing the windows.
     But you know what? At least she was able to introspect, see what she needed to change in herself. No healthy boundaries, low self-esteem, no self-worth,  bad coping habits, and an inability to stand up for herself. This cocktail was the perfect concoction to attract the broken people in this world.
     So you were all right in a way, I needed to change some things about myself, but a lot of this was a reaction to toxicity around me. No one deserves to be used, belittled, kicked when they’re down. No one. No one deserves to be a stranger in their relationship, used like a piece of flesh then tossed away afterwards. No one deserves to be abandoned at a time of need, and left out in the cold. No one deserves to feel like nothing because they are struggling with health issues. No one deserves to be treated like creature rather than human. So I ask these people or those doing this to others, to please have the courage to face your own demons. No one has to suffer, including yourself. Please choose the light, happiness, love, and compassionate side in this world. Even after everything that has been done to me, I just want peace. Thank you.
    

    

         I think a dream was meant for me to have and as scary as it was, I’m glad it happened. Sometimes people will say your dreams aren’t meant to be interpreted, but I beg to differ. It felt so real, I have been trying to understand it for days now.
        In this dream, I woke up to the sound of creepy scratching on my door. At first, I just stood there staring at the door thinking it wasn’t happening. Thinking it was the result of an overactive imagination. As it grew louder, my fear started to transform into anger that this was happening. How dare something invades my space in this manner?! I thought as I glanced through the peephole. It was some kind of demonic creature, staring back at me. I fell to the ground, crying and terrified, gripping my heart. Then a rage grew up inside of me, and the question asked was: am I going to lie here forever in fear? I swung the door open and stared right back at it. For a moment I saw all its darkness as it cowered. The creature howled then turned into a pile of ash at my feet.
    Other doors swung open and as I looked up, my neighbors were applauding. I once again fell over in exhaustion but they were all around me. Someone was holding up my back, while another poured water down my throat. I cried, hugged them all, and rejoiced some kind of victory. I saw light everywhere, it creeped up the hallway until it touched my cheek. I cried and instead of wiping my tears, they let me respond to a battle that almost left me with nothing.
        I think this dream was about overcoming narcissistic abuse. The questioning of scratching on my door is a representation of fighting gaslighting. Fighting your way back into trusting your perceptions are real and valid. Trusting that there are people out there who will attempt to make you believe your intuition is incorrect in order to gain control. My reluctance to face this reality because of the immense heartbreak it causes was me falling to the ground. The rage was me finally facing the fact I didn’t deserve to be treated so poorly and regaining a sense of self-worth. The creature turning into dust was no longer accepting responsibility for the abuse. No longer letting society victim-blame me or make me feel as if I have to tear myself apart to find a way to not fall into the traps vulnerable people are lured into. Those around me applauding are the people I will inspire to never accept this into their life because no one, and I mean no one deserves to be treated in such an inhumane manner. The people helping me showed me that if I help them, they will be there when I grow weary. This has been my story the last year. I am safe, loved, and equipped with the knowledge to help others. We all struggle, maybe transform without even realizing it, but when the smoke and mirrors clear our purpose is exposed. I have always asked why this happened to me, but I see now in asking that question I found an answer: to help others heal. To fight against the darkness that attempts to destroy the light in this world.
      

I loved you so much

Loved you until I almost turned to dust

And now my days are a haze

While you stay trapped in your maze

I don’t know why it had to be this way

Why you couldn’t be nice so I’d stay

I don’t know why you believe what they say

I don’t know why you live at night

Rather than day

I don’t why you pushed me so close

Then far away

——-

Couldn’t watch you destroy yourself

Couldn’t be put on a shelf

Tried to save you sacrificing myself

My heart is still broken

But now I’m someone else

——

I loved you so much

Loved you until I lost my health

And now my days are filled with pain

While you have no love to gain

I don’t know why you chose the insane

Why you couldn’t see where to place blame

I don’t know why you wanted to tame

All of me down like it was some kind of game

Always some kind of game.

At night time

My eyes are blind

It smells like turpentine

Through my senses

I lost you to your glass of wine

Bottle of pills a sign

You were running from time

I cried silently

My heart in a bind

I saw a little boy

Who needed a stable mind

——————–

I forgive you

But I’ll forget you

Standing on the ashes

Of all your cigarettes

Standing on the glass

Of all your shots, I bet

All the time you spent

Running away

Will never erase the day

I left

I left

———————-

During the daytime

I open my eyes

It smells like sunshine

Through my senses

I lost you but I’m no longer second

Searching for my own piece of heaven

Only needing myself to beckon

I smile openly

My heart is here with me

No longer a little girl

Who needed a little boy to see

Why she had to leave him be

Live in his own fantasy

So she could create reality

Create a new reality.

There was a time when everything was a blur. As if everything was no longer her choice and she lied upon the floor waiting to be torn down by a man who had no soul. And the world would say “just leave” as if it was that simple. As if she came from a privileged enough state to do so. Those two words would echo in her head until she realized she was surrounded by those who couldn’t fathom what it was like to be trapped. Trapped between floorboards, forgotten, scratching for a way out; like a little mouse who was considered a nuisance. Then finally she broke free, but was fooled once again with a counterfeit kind of freedom offered by another soulless man. A man who saw her misfortune as an opportunity to erode her to what he wanted: a doll with no soul.

He made her feel used, unwanted, and cumbersome. And if he ever apologized, the room felt even colder with its insincerity. There was nothing there but darkness. The kind that could devour any strong soul and take out its spine. But even with her broken feet, she fought to keep a part of herself alive. She fought to keep her bones intact: literally and figuratively.

She rose out of the shackles, scars and all, like none of it mattered. Why? Because it didn’t mean a thing to him. And as crushing as it was to come to that realization, it was her ticket to real love and freedom. He fell in love with her shell while she feel in love with the person he made up inside his head. He thought she was dumb enough to fall for it forever, but the book was written too many times on her before. She looks back on it as if he crafted a story, then as she read all the lines, the binding fell apart. It fell on the ground below, was drenched then eroded away to nothing until she was set free.

And now the sun gleams through in the morning to remind her there are breaks from the shadows that haunt her memories. There will always be her light against the dark, against the crafted illusions of others and if she spreads her wings she can see the angelic faces in this world. And how triumphant it feels to escape the grasp of darkness and find a reason to love yourself again. How empowering it is to be able to live like a free woman once again.

Took what wasn’t yours

Now I’ll take what’s mine

Standing on a tightrope it feels

While trying to see beautiful skies

And I know you can’t live with what you’ve done

It’s fighting inside your head

In a battle that can’t be won

I hope it tortures your soul

Like it did to mine

Because I’ll never forgive that kind of unkind

——————–

I hope God shows mercy upon your soul

Then sends it to the fire below

Sends it to the fire below

——————–

Try to take what you think is yours

I’ll guard what’s mine behind closed doors

Even though I’m broken & sore

Standing on a pile of embers

While you try to keep score

I know you won’t last with your own thoughts

It’s devouring your head

Forming untangible knots

I hope it tortures your soul

Like it did to mine

Because I’ll never forgive that kind of unkind

————–

I hope God shows mercy upon your soul

Then sends it to the fire below

Sends it to the fire below