Toxic Positivity and Illness

When you become sick you realize who your true friends and family are. It’s extremely isolating at times but also can be a way to transcend on your own. And when you go from literally crawling like I did on bruised knees to any kind of improvement you sort of feel like a superhero. It’s empowering to go through your own trials alone.

One thing for sure, people who have not experienced a major health crisis or chronic illness can be the most frustrating to deal with. They believe a positive attitude is like a magical pill to wellness. Yes, it doesn’t help to be depressed but some days it is a normal reaction to suffering. I think this relates to a thing I like to call toxic positivity culture. Why as a society have we determined normal emotions as a disorder? Or generally speaking as something wrong with the person? They could be responding to life events, trauma, suffering, and something you don’t even acknowledge. But why are people expected to wear a smile all the time or live in isolation? Phrases like “good vibes only” really tick me off. And I’ve found those who live behind a facade of only positive emotions eventually succumb to the inevitable negative emotions. Why? Because it’s human. There is no need to feel shame about it.

Are all songs, all artists, all cultures a happy pop like anthem? No. But we admire it all because it showcases the human condition. It’s relatable, makes us feel less guilt for not achieving this kind of perfected toxic positivity I see everywhere.

People should not try to be defined by cliche quotes on timelines. Nor should they seek validation from those who have such unattainable expectations that do not exist in reality. The truth can be unkind, painful, just like an illness but if it’s not faced it can lead to consequences like mental health crises, suicide, and a guilt induced state of mind. No one is perfect every week like the image they try to attain. No one is always smiling. So remember when you feel guilt for not fitting into the toxic positivity culture, there are others who don’t as well. And it takes courage to sit and face darkness rather than live in denial of it. ❤

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Always

You’re always

Always (puttin’ your shiii on me)

Always, always are (puttin’ your shiii on me)

————

Must be nice to

Have someone to blame for you

Must be a nice thing to do

Have someone to break in two

Escape your own faults for a few

Gaslit me until I was blue

While you were already untrue

And I’ll never say I do

So go pawn the ring you fool

Sit on your same bar stool

You decided to be everyone’s tool

Turn against me, be cruel

Party like it’s still high school

Still taking life tests in a vestibule

But really reduced to a molecule

For living by immoral rules

——-

You’re always

Always (puttin’ your shiii on me)

Always, always are (puttin’ your shiii on me)

———-

Must be nice to

Shell out all that ridicule

Must be a nice thing to do

Have someone to demean for a few

But now who’s in a whirlpool

Eyes so dark, looking like a ghoul

Fall asleep with bar skanks and drool

Wake up without your jewel

Singing all her songs you said were uncool

Told you one day I’d strengthen up

Ready for a duel

Never going to play by your rules

Never going to be your fuel

You can’t hold down anyone

Jokes on you

Haha, jokes on you.

Pain, Trust, then Faith

I’ve been trying to process all this. All the years of torment I suffered at the hands of disingenuous men. It crashes into my sleep like waves, bringing in nightmares, leaving pieces of what puzzles I try to solve. Why? Is the question I always end up asking? Why treat someone so badly they end up afraid of every noise, dark corner, and life itself? Why? Were these characters that insecure I would leave they had to demean me to get me to stay? There’s no logic there. Was it revenge? I will never have answers and you know what? That’s okay. I know there are others out there with unanswered questions and genuine hearts.

All I have is fragments sometimes. A fragmented mind, body and memory that can’t even process all the past. And the aftermath will be part of my life for a while until my mind decides I can handle another piece of the puzzle. What did I do to deserve to be left in pieces? I don’t want any sympathy and i know it may seem that way but I just want to understand. I just want to grow from my mistakes, set healthy boundaries, and see red flags when they are waving. I have looked back and realized in some ways I’d given away my power by reacting. I won’t make that mistake again in the future or give someone the upper hand by going on the defense. I’ll just walk away knowing some battles are better off not fought. It’s a hard pill to swallow but your energy is sacred and deserves to be put towards a beautiful destiny.

And I’m not going to lie. It isn’t easy on certain days. Especially when I’m trying so hard to trust people again but all I find is pain sometimes. Pain that happens for no good reason so I sit alone and introspect, refuel then try to find a way to have faith again. But that’s when it usually hits me: I won the battle by myself. For no one, no matter how much pain they caused, can take away my faith in the end. I still want to recognize the good people in this world, no matter what has happened. No one will ever take that away from me. ❤

Inequality

She sits alone. Once again, all alone. The sound of her most loyal company waits: an obese squirrel she overfed. It has all her interest but at times it doesn’t seem to care. Just like some people, it eventually just expects what it has always been given then taking everything for granted. And all the rest of the squirrels it fights off, take their weary, underweight bodies to the ground below to live off his scraps. They look up at his beast-like nature, partially in awe and partially filled with resentment as if to say: how does he not realize what he has?

So odd how the world works in this way, and how much you can learn about human beings by observing animals. You give your attention to another living creature and it becomes almost as if it is just there. Like an object, just there for the taking. So sad how it seems to work this way with most creatures that barely seem to notice they don’t breathe like those who are truly alive. Like those who would rather breathe life into others than focus upon what they can receive out of it. Treating people like 401 k’s, like stocks, like their only worth is how many dollars they have in their bank account.

I’m just in an out of this world mentality. I don’t mentally reside in the malls, the fancy car, and the expensive events. Something in me has changed due to suffering. Due to being the squirrel on the ground, looking at all the ones above me for too long and deciding I’m okay with being down here with the forgotten. It has turned me into an appreciative, resourceful, empathetic, relatable, and humble human being. No money, no objects, and no person with a higher status can take this away from me. They’ve tried but failed in the end because I would rather have nothing than lose myself to what I perceive is a threat to the most beautiful souls in the world: inequality.

I Refuse To Be

I refuse to be

The villian in your history

Evil in your dichotomy

I refuse to be

The one who infected thee

When the world you chose was a mystery

And I can see

What’s ahead of me

it’s better than

a gaslit reality

And it’s so sad to see

You seek revenge on me

Rather than say sorry

When I wake up

And the sun hits my skin

I go to the mirror

Now see what I have within

You can go ahead

Think you can win

I refuse to be

The devil in your story

I refuse to be

You’re unfinished poetry

You’re pushing forty

Got plenty after thee

But not many of quality

Doesn’t astound me

So contradictory

Treated me like an accessory

Bought all us the same scent I see

But I’d rather have the simplicity

Of being who I want to be

And find someone who will love only me

For just me.

Find Another Prey

Beware of the vultures

Beware of the vultures

The ones that look like perfect sculptures

But really are just vulgar

Hide in the shadows

Creating issues while playing martyr

Convincing everyone they are smarter

Running from the destruction they leave

A dear departer

Always playing victim but just a firestarter

Puts a ring on your finger

While pulling on every womans garter

And I hope you stay away

I hope you find another prey

I hope you have fun with the play

The one where I had nothing to say

Beware of the parasites

Beware of the parasites

The ones who come out on sleepless nights

Try to steal your identity, all your light

Try to make you feel the need to fight

Always have you in a state of flight

Where the kisses seem to feel like bites

Hold you back from your greatest heights

Love you while holding a knife

Coming back just to cause more strife

Can’t be alone cause it doesn’t suffice

Always rolling people like dice

Always rolling people like dice.

Take Me to the Waves

Take me to the waves

Take me to the waves

Need to wash away this pain

Took too much of the blame

So take me to the waves

Spent all these nights alone

Crying at my cold bones

Wondering why I struck this tone

With myself so far away from home

Found the past and my present grown

You clipped my wings but I had flown

Stronger than a tornado the winds blown

Failed at turning me into your clone

Nightmares haunt me, but I survive with moans

My body feels like nothing but a loan

Road I’m traveling surrounded by cones

Take me to the waves

Take me to the waves

Need to wash away this pain

Took too much of the blame

So take me to the waves

Nights spent being hibernate

Mind shutters at the time I spent

Trying to absorb your sins and repent

For thinking you were heaven sent

While your narrative was sadistically bent

Bruising my heart when it was leant

Wishing I didn’t think you could be my Clark Kent

While in your eyes my body was for rent

I have every right to vent

Every right to vent

Take me to the waves

Take me to the waves

Have to wash away this pain

Took too much of the blame

So take me to the waves.