One White and One Black Rose

I had a dream the other night. I was sleeping in the most beautiful white bed surrounded by white roses. Suddenly, the roses turned black as I started having a nightmare. You slept peacefully as I thrashed around violently. Crying and kicking my feet in the air, I was fighting for my life. Trying to throw off all the past, attempting to crush everything around me including you.

You woke before I did. Left instead of waiting to comfort me. So angered at the battles in my sleep, you decided I wasn’t worth it anymore. After you moved my belongings to our empty pool, I woke up in tears. There were now bars over the windows and cameras on me to keep me out. You chained my leg to a ball, so when I stood up to find you I fell on my knees. Crawling like a baby, I found you by the back door.

You outstretched your hand like you were going to forgive me but then pointed outside. Go to the pool, you demanded. I crawled all the way there as you watched me struggle. I took one last look into your dark eyes, then started to stare vacantly into the night sky. Every night I tried to focus on the moon and stars as I watched you invite the new woman inside.

I curled up in the middle of the empty pool, that was now filled with all my things and my cats. They huddled around me to keep me warm. Eventually it didn’t feel as cold and empty anymore. Eventually I didn’t even notice the big house, the other woman, or the beautiful bed. I.even tried not to think about how you left me with a chain on my foot in your empty pool. I knew I tried my best to love you. Tried to fight in my nightmares but it was never enough. And if it wasn’t enough, you were never able to accept my love anyway. I left you one white and one black rose at the door, then disappeared from your view forever.


The Unloved Epidemic

There is an epidemic of unloved, neglected, and abused people in this world. I personally think this has resulted in some being over diagnosed with mental disorders. And those who are being labeled have sort of created a lack of hope for a change in themselves. Now to be up front I am not a medical professional. This is going to be based upon my unorthodox style of research, observations surrounding social media communities, and basically not entirely focused upon a dsm. In fact, I am trying to avoid labels at this point because I think it dehumanizes those who are either disordered from birth, physiological disordered, disordered from environmental factors, or could be reacting to being around disordered individuals/family members. Ultimately, people are not their labels off of a dsm. Remember this if you are trying to help. Medical professionals can also be wrong as they are only human and can make mistakes.

Too often I see those with narcissistic personality disorder, post traumatic stress disorder or boarderline personality disorder viewed as unchangeable. There is honestly an attitude I feel in online forums, online support groups, YouTube, and social media echoing the same attitude towards those with these diagnosises. They seem to be viewed as evil, hypersensitive, or intentionally harming other innovent individuals in their lives. In my opinion this adds to a stigma around these specific disorders, creating a more difficult path for recovery. If society villifies those with disorders which are in rooted in fear of abandonment, rejection, and abuse, do we not add to the problem? Are we saying they are not redeemable, not able to change, and giving them essentially no hope? I think so. Is this toxic? Yes.

The truth is there are people who have some dsm criteria for a diagnosis but not all. Some of us may have half of the narcissistic traits listed, half of the boarderline traits, and a little ptsd. Some might have just some narcissistic traits and some signs of ptsd. If one were to look at the criteria and honestly think if they know someone or have been feeling that way at some point in their life: it becomes scarily applicable. I personally feel overdiagnosis is possible and could negatively effect how a person sees oneself. Plus, if the mind looks hard enough to find answers, the brain can overthink into labels. Some could be trying to fit into the label they were given causing more issues than they had to begin with. It is possible society might have too many people walking around convincing themselves they are in worse mental health than they actually are. This could lead to over medication or too many therapy sessions that could be interfering with weekly schedules. It’s not helpful in the end.

Regardless, I find it concerning to see videos, “health advocates,” online support groups, and even images with text being shared that vilify or do not have empathy towards someone struggling with a mental health condition. I think this is coming from issues deep rooted in the way we diagnose mental health conditions and also those who lack basic understanding of the human condition. I also want to point out however frustrating someone can be with a disorder and appear to be selfish, untrusting, or angry: intention is everything. I find fear and insecurity to be at the basis of a lot of reactions and feel it is more difficult than ever to build healthy confidence in modern times. Our American culture especially is built upon building confidence through unhealthy ways. I have to ask those who desire to help victims of disordered people: how can one help a person full of fear and mistrust by villifing the disordered person who affected them? It will create more anger than understanding of the abuser. And how can a victim move on while being in an angered state? Instead one should ask: how can we help the disordered, hurtful individual as well by villifing them? We don’t want more victims, right? So maybe having hope, empathy, understanding, listening and looking into their intentions and as to why would be a way to prevent further downward spirals. Yes, toxic behavior should be pointed out but by labeling someone unable to change, by making it seem as if they are always ill intentioned, are we not hurting those who are already hurting a bit more? I feel there are better ways to handle those who are in fear-based states of mind than what I see often from those I view as influential voices. Please I ask some “advocates” to really think about how they can influence a less anger-filled, and more empathetic view on mental health so survivors and abusers can both get better. Thank you for reading.

Dancing in the Street Lights

I saw him

Dancing in the street lights

He was drunk

One second away from a fight

Over a woman he thought cared

Then I saw him

At a distance

He was still drunk

Full of resistance

And I almost cried

At all the darkness in his eyes

They tried to speak to me

But to no surprise

He had no words left to say

My heart sank into the depths

Imagining his face without all the sadness

What could have been

Now stood in the shadows

As he let go of my hand

But the road had to end

It was all pretend

As he chose the bar

Over me

In the end

He chose to lift off one knee

But I was happy

To let him go

For all I know

I was one of many

He said he didn’t know

Nothing special

Little me

Stuck in a crowd full of empty people

You’d rather see

Oh, little me

Stuck in a crowd full of lost people

You’d rather see.

(Music to this soon) 😉

The Beastmode Man

The beastmode man does whatever he can to try to make me not speak the truth. The beastmode man thinks money will make him more complete than love. He tried to speak about living it up around palm trees and beaches to make me jealous; but I would rather have the forest trees than the exaggerated fantasy he tells us. It’s more like a nightmare, full of intimidation and fear. He really doesn’t want anyone near, so he will blame you instead my dear. Just don’t fall for the game, sit in a sad existence where I did the same. Time can fix where someone places blame and it’s never entirely on their own name. So in a way I pity the claim, deflection can drive any person insane. Don’t be the reflection in his mirror, otherwise his eyes will never see it clear. Don’t risk yourself for too long, sometimes you have to leave to make him strong. ❤

The Fool’s Tongue

Can’t help but notice the fool’s tongue has an impediment

Words whisked away by all those left in cement

All those who spoke against your falsely written testament

Those tired minds, regret everything they once repent

You led with a false hand, created a indoctrinated settlement

Full of the lost living in a maze

Designed to end up in a cage

Forged from the puppet master’s desire to enslave

And he lured all the sheep to drink

Only to drain the water

Now they no longer blink

Covered all the bodies up so no one would think

So you couldn’t see the massive slaughter

While their pockets filled up, no one hardly bothered

Afraid to ask questions and ponder

About those who took an oath

But fed us false honor

Justice always prevails when the right mind wanders

I’ll come out when it feels right

I’ll stick my toe in and if it’s cold I might

Wait for the sun to come out

Avoid they’re kind of night

nightcrawlers up with their eyes so hollow

looking for a fight

So I cannot swallow

Their false selves

Make them well

Instead they chose a kind of he**

But I chose heaven

I chose heaven.

Miss Radio Silence

She tried so hard to be your doll. She tried so hard to stand up tall while your “friends” tried to tear her down. Where were you to defend your woman? Where were you when they made up lies? Where were you when they decided not to help her sit down? Where were you? Too busy putting all the wrong people on pedestals.

Mister can’t be alone. Mister has to be accepted. Mister I do whatever my friends want me to. Mister I let people use me but I point fingers at someone who actually needs help. Mister playing the nice guy to all the wrong people.

You fell for it. Their games. They lied to your face about your true love then tried to have her later. Men would kill to have a woman look at them the way I looked at you.

Congratulations, you let them win. Tell you blatant lies as you believed them and punished her instead. Well, they didn’t win because she will never answer now. She’s Miss radio silence. There is nothing left to say. You will always trust the wrong people so her words mean nothing.

To Those Who Are Sick

When you become sick in any way the world changes. Whether you like it or not, some are going to abandon you. They will see you as cumbersome, burdensome, not fun, a failure, and lazy. They will make you feel like a pathetic scavenger and you see yourself being like a stray cat living off the community garbage cans. And everyone points at you out of pity or anger but you just keep trying to survive. You don’t even have the capacity to cry because you are always doing so with invisible tears. It’s almost like you become too exhausted to even speak.

Everything around you becomes focused upon survival. You avoid bill collectors, talking about your invisible job, and start to hide away in shame. Some take this personally which adds more stress and more isolation. It is the most lonely feeling in the world in the moment but I am here now to tell those going through this to hold on. There is some reason to hold on: to share your story with others who need inspiration.

All I can say is find unconditional love. Hug your pets who don’t care about your situation and just want to comfort you. Find people who act like your pets. They exist, they’ll stay, and they will not leave you at your worst.

I literally crawled on and off on my own lately to keep going. Martin Luther King would be proud. I don’t care what anyone thinks or says anymore about my life, my journey, and my faults. It is none of my concern but I thank the bitter voices for showing me how to create healthy boundaries. I thank you for showing me to be unlike those who do not show any empathy. Or as a stoic would say be unlike those who performed the injury. I may seem to be easy prey for some but at least I know who I am. No one is perfect but at least I can say I don’t seek out vulnerable people to abuse. The way I see it is the sick and vulnerable can become human punching bags for others who do not want to face their own truth. I pity those who do this and hope you find a way to change for the better. As for the vulnerable: if no one tells you, just know people like me exist and would give you a hug. And after you read this, I hope you feel less alone. 😪❤