We Live In a Denial Society

For years, I’ve suffered with pain. Pain everywhere. Pain when I wake, sleep, and even do the things I love. As the years went by, it became more difficult to just block out. And it led me to all this: a beautiful downward spiral. A mind and body shaking in pain, but I would rather feel it all than nothing at all. Denial isn’t sitting well with me, lately.

I don’t think of having issues as scary, chaotic, and feel as much shame about it anymore. I took calls from people at a previous job, and heard many say “I’m so lonely, sad, and just want someone to talk to who understands.” I would sit and listen to these stories which all had the same endings: sitting in pain, solitude, and shame. I’m here to tell people, you are not a diagnosis, weak, or forgotten. Although, I can’t say your names, there hasn’t been a day where I don’t remember the stories. You are a person who has so much strength and power with your story you don’t even realize it. I think in the back of my mind, I held onto these stories to remind myself I can make a difference someday. And I hope I can find the right people to help with this vision.

One voice cannot fight the epidemic of drugs, alcohol, mental health, lack of quality of care, lack of housing options and suicide in this country. And all these issues are causing some to go into a denial, escapist-like state. I understand. Instead of helping yourself or those around you its easier to try to escape reality. It’s easier to grab that bottle, smoke that blunt, grab that smartphone, and imagine a world that doesn’t exist.

But there’s comes a time where some of us are going to have to help the vulnerable and wake up. The pain cannot be ignored in this country any longer. Politics aside, there are people suffering and funding needs to go directly to their needs somehow. No more fake help, fake empathy, and empty words. No more denial of reality. There’s no way out of the shadows but through the dark. And I hope I can find a way to lead those into the light with me.

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Healthy Positivity vs. Toxic Positivity

A new attitude has taken over social media and the behavior of some people: the toxic positivity attitude. What do I mean? Let me explain with this simple analogy. Say you’ve decided to wear your nicest clothes and while walking on the sidewalk you get splashed by a car because of a plugged street drain? Now if you’ve rewired your brain to be full of toxic positivity, you’ll probably get over this in a very short period of time, and maybe even buy new clothes. If you’re a a healthy person who is able to validate your own feelings, rather than dismiss their existence: you’ll probably take yourself to the nearest bathroom, try to clean up the mess, and look not so happy. You’ll also accept the fact this happened and it isn’t going to put a smile on your face, but that’s okay. You know why? Because sometimes it is okay to have normal reactions to unfortunate events. Right?

Isn’t it overwhelming to attempt to have a grin plastered on your face when you are in an uncomfortable social situation? Isn’t it awkward when you see someone who seems to always be in a great mood, secretly crying in the restroom? We’ve all seen it. Most people uncomfortably run from their emotions and others as well. Some have decided this is the path to positivity and I think it’s a path to a denial of reality.

You can’t appreciate the light if you have not faced the dark. As cliche as it sounds, it is undeniably true. Those who face reality are often labeled by these toxic positivists as: “too negative, pessimistic, cynical, not fun, and a downer.” So be it. Their strength was not forged out of unicorns and rainbows, but out of introspection, observance, awareness and realism.

When we accept as a society phrases like get over it, be positive and anything is possible, just be full of bliss, and just see the greatness in the world, what are we doing? We are not only diminishing our right to feel normal reactions but also the right for others to feel normal reactions. This pressure is immensely painful to place upon those who are already suffering with facing obstacles in their life which can cause health, financial, or personal consequences. It can contribute to this unrealistic expectation cycle where they feel as if something is wrong with their outlook, when in fact something is wrong with the person who bottles up their darkest emotions instead of accepting them. Instead of accepting it as part of the journey of life. And as humans, we should not be transfixed into feelings only positive emotions. It is not the way to real, mature, healthy transcendence. Thank you.

Wheels and the Disablers Part Two

Physical therapy felt like a waste of energy half the time but Wheels went through the motions like a droid. They gotta make money off the insurance to rub my foot for a half hour. My cat could have done a better job brushing against my leg. Oh well, haha.

The pain was excruciating at times but everyone kept pushing her on like she should go into hulk mode, rip off her shirt and yell: I’m healed instantly! Ahhhh!

You seem to be getting around nicely.

You’re not going to get better if you don’t try.

You have to start using it or you’ll lose it.

Hush up. Now the narrator has to step in it feels. Enough already. Half of these people wouldn’t last a day in her shoes without popping massive amounts of pain killers and getting kidney damage. I’m the narrator and this garbage talk is enough to make me want to minimize all the critics problems. How does it feel when someone dismisses you? Anyways, back to Miss Wheels, haha. Sorry. I’m angry for her.

Miss Wheels thought she was at the finish line of a long marathon where she crawled around on her knees like a determined cripple. All the toxic American work ethic crowds cheering her on: just beat the heck out of yourself until you can join our capitalistic rat race! Then maybe you’ll never walk again! Whew!

Well, turns out Wheels was right. She was so influenced by this go get it culture, she was trying to walk on a bone that wasn’t fused. What a pansy, right? Haha.

We gotta put you back in the cast. I’m so sorry. The doctor said with a disappointed look.

Screw me. Wheels thought. Why am I stuck in a cycle?

We won’t even get into it. The people who caused her healing process to go haywire aren’t even worth writing about. In fact, they are so sick they probably relish the fact the crowd spilt her lip with the handlebars of her scooter. And how most everyone treated her like an object to be stepped over. The same kind of hipster crowd that preaches help the disabled but then tramples them at events to get a picture of the lamest pop band with one hit. Haha.

Have fun fixing your karma. Wheels thinks. It may take a lifetime. Glad I stood up for myself in the end. Glad it was entertaining for you all to injure a person while screaming social justice on your Facebook profiles. Fake social justice warriors ruining it for the real ones with your Starbucks coffee. And don’t forget daddy’s money to sneak you into the best college. Just be glad my real friends weren’t there. Maybe next time they will be. Maybe next time they’ll step on each one of your toes for every time you stepped on mine. Or maybe we’ll just bring milkshakes! And flags saying disabled people have a right to enjoy events! Apparently, your parents or your kind decided it was a good idea to kick the vulnerable while their down. Well, you deserved the public humiliation you asked for. Don’t act like trash, if you want respect! Wheels thought as she went to bed in agony, but knowing those kind of people have to live their karma every single day they look in the mirror. Haha.

Wheels and the Disablers Part One

For years Miss Wheels suffered, wondering what was wrong with her feet. She went to many podiatrists, who failed to see an obvious issue. The health care system in her country was problematic to say the least. But Miss Wheels had every kind of insurance at some point and ended up with the same realization: if a doctor has no capacity for empathy enough to listen to the patient, they cannot heal the patient.

Miss Wheels will never forget driving home with blood seeping on the outside of her sneakers. She asked if someone should drive her home, and they didnt suggest it. It was that be a tough person mentality that seemed to have infiltrated the minds of everyone. People seemed like droids in a field which needed to steer the furthest away from droid-like behavior.

She “toughened up” though. More like shouldn’t have listened to those who couldn’t imagine what it would feel like driving after being stabbed with needles the size of her entire shin. The pain was excruciating, a needle pierced into the arches of her feet that was so long it appeared as if it could reach passed her ankle. Wheels didn’t expect this, haha. Like a scene infused with special effects, blood squirted out on the doctor’s clean jacket. She laugh like a manic depressive who just got released from a psych ward. Wheels left in a state of shock, blood filling up her shoes as she drove home.

Wish I would have prepared for this. Wish I had a ride. Oh well. Another pair of shoes down, not a bad thing. She thought.

Miss Wheels felt better for a little bit but the pain was always there. Some people were “awesome” as well. The old stories from older people were priceless. Well, when I was younger they just ignored your pain and you went to work fifteen hours a day, dragging your leg around like a sack of potatoes. Also the people who would say: well, maybe you should try not to focus on it. It will just magically go away and there will be flying unicorns around you as well. Haha. Oh, and don’t forget about those who think every doctor is correct you see so there is no need for a second opinion. But the same people shop around for a veterinarian. Haha.

Miss Wheels was full of self-doubt from all these toxic people around her, but she knew something was seriously wrong deep down. She felt it and still feels it every single night.

It’s sad some people want to shut off the reality of other people’s suffering. She thought. It’s hard enough not knowing what is wrong for years, finding out no one listened, and then realizing you were right all along. Why didn’t I trust my own mind and body trying to warn me? Now all I have for now are wheels. Wheels turning literally and figuratively.

She was sad. She was angry. She was feeling silenced. All the people who failed her were lined up inside her mind.

I just wish I could throw milkshakes at each one but they would knock me off my wheels, probably. I need a squad like I used to have in college. We didn’t enable one another but disabled one another’s behavior. We never let each other suffer at our own hands or other people’s. We were empowering together and disabled the toxic forces that threatened the world.

And that’s when she decided it was time to reach out. To those original faces in the past or find those who could embody their type of spirit. To find those who she knew would help fulfill her milkshake dreams. 😁

He Chose the Darkness

She asked internally for him to be saved. There was an immediate answer: he can’t be. She asked why. It answered: he has chosen the darkness, he is surrounded by darkness, and he consumes the darkness.

She sat there, shedding many tears as the voice gave her a moment of silence then said: my dear, you saved yourself. You have brushed death many times, you know now what is beyond when the color will fade from your eyes. You know when a vengeful voice speaks to turn away. You know poisonious pathways and the way through. Now you can show all those who walk aimlessly how to find the beautiful voice inside their heads. For now, you rest your soul. The battle is won but you’re so humble you don’t even see the victory flag waving around you. But you know, there is energy around you protecting you now. So there is no need to worry.

But what if my heart is still with him? She asked. I saw a smile that could have lit up the whole world inside of him. Why was it extinguished?

It replied, sometimes some people shine so bright they attract the darkest of nights. Sometimes they can not escape, so they become like supernovas, only to burn out at the end.

Why am I not like a supernova?

Because you fought to protect everything around you and were rewarded by the laws of nature, my dear. So be proud of your strength for once and don’t let anyone hurt you or the things that unconditionally love you ever again. πŸ˜ͺ

Few Understand

Few understand a love like hers. She can be as soft as an angel and as outspoken as a protective beast. She can be the sun and the rain; but she will never hide the dark clouds. Hiding the dark clouds is something most people do, to appear as bright as the sun only to end up diminishing their light. Don’t hide your true self from the world. Those who love you will love you for you, not attempt to mold you. Not buy you their favorite perfume, their favorite clothing brand, and make you lose your sense of self.

Don’t ever let anyone diminish your light. Ever. Yes, there are some who will cross your path inevitably, but their toxicity has no regular place in your existence. No one is kind who seeks to hurt the self-esteem of another person. Period. Don’t let them make you believe you deserved it, were at fault, and had no way around avoiding the toxicity. Say no to people. It’s okay to say no. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone, to meddle in the depths of your own mind, and create beauty out of nothing but your own existence. There’s no need to always be on the go, always run around like a social butterfly, and always do what people want you to do. It’s okay to rest and think about yourself once in a while.

Chances are, half the people you bowed down to will disappear when you become sick or are no longer beneficial to their needs. And don’t worry, it’s not a reflection of you but of their character. An inability to see people as human beings and have compassion for even the most vulnerable of souls. No one deserves a love which is conditional and/or company that changes colors with the seasons of your life. Find the rarest love and company, even if it takes some time. πŸ™‚

Liar Liar Mind on Fire

I want to be someone’s muse

Not lose

So get my clues

As I prepare this rocket fuel

Blast into I galaxies far away from you

I’m not your second best

I’m the first

But the others don’t get the pretense

Cuz’ you fed them nonsense

So I put on my space helmet

Block the sound of your yell

Glass too thick I can’t even tell

What you’re saying

While ringing your invisible bell

Liar, liar, pants on fire

Walking on a tightrope wire

Liar, liar, mind on fire

When confronted, always spitfire

Liar, liar hands on fire

Always touching everything he desires

Can’t get off the high horse he aspires

To ride in green pastures

Now turned to fire

I’d rather be hated for who I am

Not lose

Myself in someones master plan

That wouldn’t last a lifespan

Rather go to Mars with a Neanderthal man

Plant my own seeds in a plot of sand

Have no parachute on command

So stay far away from me when I land

You could never fulfill my demands

Selfish man from the homeland

Go back to your wasteland

Back to your wasteland.