It’s like the world out there becomes foreign and you feel like the thin pane of glass separating you from it could shatter. And a swarm of the worst things you could imagine captures you.
I’m so scared. I’m so scared every single day to go out there. She thinks.
Sometimes she will tell herself, this is the day you get over it. But that pane of glass, that door, has now turned into more over the years.
You know I know when you leave, right? His voice still echoes in her mind like yesterday even though he’s not even here anymore.
She opens the door, closes it, opens it again and peeks through the hallway. Is anyone out there who cares? She thinks as she shuts the door again. Lies down in front of it like an animal, waiting for its owner.
God, I hate myself for being this way.
And a soothing voice in her mind always replies: It’s not your fault.
But what if I finally yelled back?
Every single person has a breaking point. People who really love you, don’t try to destroy you and make you defend yourself. That’s not loving someone. That’s what you do to someone you’re envious or resentful of. Who wants that kind of hatred in their life? No one in the right mind.
I just keep trying to punish myself. Stay in these walls. Stay where they told me, do what they want, and it’s just me left. Why am I feeling like I was programmed? Why can’t I just run out of here, scream at the top of my lungs and be over it all. Why? She mutters barely before starting to sob.
There, there. It’s okay. The most important thing is left: you. You have you, my dear. Do you understand how much you’ve endured? No, not yet. Your brain is giving you pieces of what happened for a reason. It’s trying to not overwhelm your mind. As frustrating as it might be, this is normal. You never had time to process it all. That’s why you are so scared of that world out there breaking your glass shell. But there will come a time when nothing will scare you anymore and you’ll break that shell to pieces.
I wish that was now. I just want to be out there with the people who love me. I just want to feel anything but pain. I just want to love someone again and know they love me. I just want my life back. Thank you, God, my angel, or whatever you are for at least being with me. For at least breaking up some of this pain.
I am part of your voice, my dear. So imagine how strong you will be for others in the future. You don’t realize, the unkind are scared of your kindness. Your story, your knowledge, your experience could help the silenced, vulnerable, and hurt people in this world. There’s nothing more terrifying to those who inflict pain than those who help heal the survivors.