Fighting this beast
It’s taken everything out of me
Crawling on my knees
Nervous system misfiring
Some sentences without struggling
They always mock me
Like it’s stupidity
How much will it take to make me angry?!
Gaslight me about this disease
When they can’t understand the complexity
What a pathetic way to be
Broken nerves girl
Trying to fight the world
Trying to be the pearl
That was a sight to see
Gave up their vision
Of what should be reality
Why is it so hard to accept the broken me?!
Fighting this fire
It’s taken years from me
Crying myself to sleep
Nervous system manufacturing
Bones crushed, skin weeps
Can’t imagine the intensity
Takes thoughts away
Until the imagination can’t see
Ableist comes to play
Tries to bury me
Sick of fighting the fight
Just let me be
I don’t walk around
Gaslighting people with disabilities
Just let us all be
Let us breathe.
It was like you had my face pressed against glass. You said breathe when I couldn’t but let me occasionally gasp enough to stay alive. It was like I would have rather been dead then be teased with the idea of my life in the hands of someone so cruel. Or perhaps you were not cruel because you felt nothing. You were more like a sociopath, able to turn off the part of the brain which processes the infliction of pain on another soul is torture. I have many theories as to why you hated women. Why you decided they were of no use other than cooking, cleaning, and fulfilling any other selfish desires you had. Like their entire existence should be you, for you, about you, and all around you. Then suddenly, I am gone. Off wandering inside my head doing the dishes, thinking of palm trees you promised, skydives, and that resort we drove past. I would have loved to ride a segway in the woods and I am sure looking back any friend I had would have loved to go with me. And I am so angry. Why did I spend all this time upon someone who could not accept who I was, what I did for them, how much I cared, and how much I lost of myself for them. I don’t know if I can ever be the same after this. I use to think the world was wonderful and people were who they seemed to be but now, I see vultures. I see people almost programmed into similar relationships and hear the same stories from different mouths all the time. No one realizes how alike they truly are. We are programmed to think we are all unique which is not healthy. We need human connection, we all strive for it in some way, through family, friends, and lovers. It is what makes life balance out. But at what cost does it become more of a burden than a gift? What if you feel you have endured enough pain for a lifetime? I feel there should be no more pain inflicted on my soul by another as long as I live. I will not be troubled to save anyone anymore who does not want to be helped. I will be surrounded someday by good people.
Let’s just say if I were to name each parts of my mind which give me problems with different identities and looked upon each one for what it is in a sort of cynical yet comical manner this is the result. I believe every person has a dominant part of their personality which can complicate and simplify life. They also can create quite the thought processes. I don’t really think I am crazy rather perhaps always thinking, observing, reacting. Since I am anxious a lot it creates quite terrific stories in my head which I can admit are quite imaginary but I must keep reality in check. Writing helps me do so. And of course knowing I have an audience.
Anxious Allison: Oh I am so mad that wiper blade ripped off and by some fluke cracked the windshield and what if it isn’t covered and the insurance company just lied!? I mean could they? I am not recording the conversation they are so who in the right mind would say hold on while I fetch that recording for you so you can prove us wrong on our own evidence?
Rational Rachel: Omg shut the F*ck up! You called already and now you are just choosing to obsess about it for no reason because Anxious Allison always finds something small and blows it up like a bunch of fireworks on forth of July. Just grab some food if you feel stressed you need to gain weight.
Sympathetic Sally: Oh shut being so rough on Anxious Allison it isn’t her felt she has suffered so much trauma in life she must create it in order to feel alive. She doesn’t realize at times her behavior has been learned. Maybe you should try a less abusive approach and give a hug instead.
Rational Rachel: Yup baby that side and see how it helps. It doesn’t it just makes her think it is ok to let her mind wander in pure anxiety until there is nothing left but anxiety and no love or bliss or anything else. Wake up Sally not all things need soft love at times they need hard love too. haha. That sounded bad. I can be too animal like at times. My bad.
Sympathetic Sally: Alright. I see your point. Well maybe together we can counteract Anxious Allison together.
Rational Rachel: Heard and applied.
Anxious Allison: Ok. I am good now. Panic attack over. Just called the insurance company again and had them send an audio file to my email of the conversation. Crazy huh?
Sympathetic Sally: We have a a lot of therapy to do.
Rational Rachel: Indeed.