Love

She’s not a victim anymore but a survivor. She has scars that carry stories forever. At one point in time the sight of them could make the world want to be blind, but now she wears them with grace. Every moment she breathes is a moment where they don’t win. Every word she writes, they see and must face their own false self, created out of the imaginary. She will never be silenced. The illusions once created are theirs to keep, shackling them to the ground and internally she knows they weep. Unable to speak because the truth would break away the fallacy they created for the world to see. The “I never needed her.” “She was nothing to me.”

Love. What is love? She asks. Love does not change when someone is sick, poor or struggling. Love withstands the pressure of all outside forces trying to conquer it. Love does not stand aside when the person you were supposed to protect is being cornered by those who are unworthy of having that power. It defends and defeats those who try to destroy it. And if you walk away leaving a wounded person on a battlefield, what should it be called? Desertion.

But in her case, this desertion brought her resurrection. And oddly enough, she bears scars on three out of four limbs. She carries the weight like a feather, because they ended up creating something that will never lose its light. Will never go to the pits of the darkness again, but understands the necessity of it. She has learned to stand alone and never let another impose on her will. And this was the most valuable lesson of her life. You see? These scars no longer represent the darkness but the will she had to fight for love.

My Thoughts on Abuse by Proxy

There needs to be awareness of a phenomenon which can possibly happen to victims of abuse. Especially after they leave the situation and the abuser no longer has access to them or control. It’s called abuse by proxy. This is where third parties are misled into thinking the victim deserves further punishment and act on the behalf of the perpetrator.

Tactics include creating humiliating situations, attempting to gain information to relay it to the perpetrator, spreading false rumors, and trying to turn friends or family against the victim. These methods are incredibly effective at silencing, intimidating and isolating the person who holds the truth. Those who do the dirty work are believing they are correcting a perceived injustice when in actuality they are re-traumatizing a person who is trying to heal.

These people who are doing the dirty work are also in a sense, victims. They have been preyed upon, misled, and now wrapped into a web of lies. If they do finally realize a pattern exists with the perpetrator, they end up feeling remorse for playing a part. Or they risk becoming the target for wrath if they confront the narrative given.

I personally believe based upon my own experiences, this could be one of the many reasons why those who have suffered traumatic situations do not speak out. It feels like a misled army is trying to invade your boundaries, peace, and prohibit you from healing. If those you trusted turn against you, it can be incredibly difficult to face all of this alone. For anyone going through this please know there are people out there who have faced the same type of abuse and will understand. Thank you.

To Help Survivors ❤

How long will you let them control you? How many years did you sacrifice worrying about the people who did not worry about you? How many nights did you cry silently because you did not want people to yell at your tears? How many years went by where you couldn’t focus on yourself because you spent nights waiting for their arrival in fear?

It is time to wipe those tears and embrace what you were always afraid of: giving up on the people who gave up on you. And it isn’t going to be easy reprogramming your mind back to where it was before it all happened. And perhaps, it will never be the same. But know, you survived like a warrior. You came out of a battle some people do not survive and some people will never comprehend. And it isn’t your duty to explain yourself, your reasons for staying, your reasons for going back, and your reasons for loving the people who could never love you back. Forgive yourself. For you had tried to face another person’s demons while facing your own. While trying to survive an already cruelly set up world. And in all the darkness, you brought a light. One so bright, it attracted the lost souls out of the darkness. It was not your fault. And trust me, for years you thought it was, rummaging through self help books, videos, and picking yourself apart to pieces. A task few people attempt to do for a lifetime. In the end, you realized you were not perfect but you were nothing like those who hurt you.

So shine my beautiful survivors. Shine so bright that the world can see you are every color of the rainbow. Shine from the moment your eyes open to the moment they close at night. Even if it hurts to try because you are so exhausted by now. You owe it to yourself more than anyone in this world to realize who you are: a survivor and not a victim.

To the Broadcaster Who Told Me To Kill Myself

I hope when you read this your empty grin turns into a grimace. I know it will. Despite apparently having so much self proclaimed “relevancy” you seem quite angry. Why are you so angry if you have everything then?

By the way, when you send the money to my mother to “pay for the abortion she didn’t have” (obviously me) originally; make sure you send some love with it. (Sarcasm) Oh wait? You can’t because the only thing you seem to care about is affecting people negatively for fun & acquiring more material objects. I watched you on a live stream orchestrate the harassment against me by using fake accounts. And it was a funny coincidence my Twitter was hacked that evening as well.

Such a sad attitude to be wasting all your talent and destroying your image. Such a sad close group you have echo chambering your vile behavior. If they actually cared they would have wanted to see you be a better person. But of course, instead you have handed over moderation to these kinds of people. A disappointment. And it isn’t just you who is conducting in this manner. There are many like you honestly.

I know you display some naracisstic qualities so I’ll clarify as well I am not writing this because I’m “jealous of you.” I’ve dealt with sociopaths, narcicissts, and unfortunately I know how they operate. Trust me, I don’t envy someone with an inability to show empathy. My intent is for me to get this overly negative weight off my shoulders that you placed upon me; someone you know nothing about. And quite frankly if you knew what I’ve been through and what I am currently going through; my defensive reactions to your tactics would make more sense to you. My point is: I truly believe some of us have endured unimaginable things more than others. Some people really cannot comprehend what it is like to try to mend those things unless they have been in a similar situation. Nor would I want them to. I don’t want anyone to suffer through severely traumatic experiences. I am just saying keep in mind you don’t really know people online and you don’t know their story if you never asked.

I just hope you do realize I am human being behind the keyboard with family and friends who would miss me. I think most of us have someone who would miss us if we gave into suicide (I hope). I feel as a whole with social media, people have forgotten when addressing one another, we are actually addressing a real person. I see people calling each other names constantly, making up things on one another, and now I see more and more physical threats. I also see more kill yourself comments. Especially in this political atmosphere. Do you want to make it so laws have to be created surrounding online conduct & actually be enforced? Keep acting like an animal behind the keyboard then.

I can say even if I dislike someone, I have more restraint with my words than most online. My particular recent “bully” can’t say that because of a lack of patience. Nor people like this. They wear it like a badge of honor when it’s nothing to be proud of. And usually if these people have children, they try to teach this attitude to their children to carry on into society. What kind of example are you setting? I secretly hope their children realize that kind of attitude won’t work in life for the long haul. I hope they try to not be like bad influences, even if those influences are their own parents.

It isn’t okay to walk around in the world putting others down because you’re “relevant” at that time and have influence. What happened to respecting fans? What happened to appreciate fans? I see less appreciation the larger some people become. As if they think it will last forever and they let their ego run ahead. But I have bad news for you: when upcoming talent creeps up on you, you’re going to become irrelevant with that kind of attitude. Just keep that in mind. There are kind AND talented people out there who will create competition for you. Why create your own downfall?