comedy

A Conversation Within Myself

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Let’s just say if I were to name each parts of my mind which give me problems with different identities and looked upon each one for what it is in a sort of cynical yet comical manner this is the result. I believe every person has a dominant part of their personality which can complicate and simplify life. They also can create quite the thought processes. I don’t really think I am crazy rather perhaps always thinking, observing, reacting. Since I am anxious a lot it creates quite terrific stories in my head which I can admit are quite imaginary but I must keep reality in check. Writing helps me do so. And of course knowing I have an audience.

Anxious Allison: Oh I am so mad that wiper blade ripped off and by some fluke cracked the windshield and what if it isn’t covered and the insurance company just lied!? I mean could they? I am not recording the conversation they are so who in the right mind would say hold on while I fetch that recording for you so you can prove us wrong on our own evidence?

Rational Rachel: Omg shut the F*ck up! You called already and now you are just choosing to obsess about it for no reason because Anxious Allison always finds something small and blows it up like a bunch of fireworks on forth of July. Just grab some food if you feel stressed you need to gain weight.

Sympathetic Sally: Oh shut being so rough on Anxious Allison it isn’t her felt she has suffered so much trauma in life she must create it in order to feel alive. She doesn’t realize at times her behavior has been learned. Maybe you should try a less abusive approach and give a hug instead.

Rational Rachel: Yup baby that side and see how it helps. It doesn’t it just makes her think it is ok to let her mind wander in pure anxiety until there is nothing left but anxiety and no love or bliss or anything else. Wake up Sally not all things need soft love at times they need hard love too. haha. That sounded bad. I can be too animal like at times. My bad.

Sympathetic Sally: Alright. I see your point. Well maybe together we can counteract Anxious Allison together.

Rational Rachel: Heard and applied.

Anxious Allison: Ok. I am good now. Panic attack over. Just called the insurance company again and had them send an audio file to my email of the conversation. Crazy huh?

Sympathetic Sally: We have a a lot of therapy to do.

Rational Rachel: Indeed.

Say Something, I’m Just a Whiny Poo (Say Something cover)

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Say something, I’m just a whiny poo
I’ll be the one, if you let me whine to you
Anywhere I could have whined til I was blue
Say something, I’m just a whiny poo
And I am feeling so blind
cuz my bang was over my face
Say something, I’m just a whiny poo
And I am feeling so sad
It was in my head
I really don’t know why
And i stumble but don’t fall
I’m sorry that disappoints you
Cuz’ it would have shut me up
Say something, I’m just a whiny poo
And I will swallow my spit
long enough to breathe for a bit
In between my hyperventilating fits
Say something, I’m just a whiny poo
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t shut up for you
And anywhere I would have been so blue
Say something, I’m just a whiny poo
Say something, I just want to stop turnin’ blue…
Say something..
I’m just a whiny poo.

99 Facebook Friends but they Ain’t Real Ones

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If you’re having friend problems I feel bad for you son

I got 99 facebook friends but they ain’t real ones

I got the spat patrol like a cat patrol

Foes that wanna make sure my mouths closed

Critics say she’s “Money cats clothes”

I’m from the country stupid where facts are disclosed

If you grew up with no laces in your zapatos

You’d party the minute you had some cash flow

I’m like fuck haters you can kiss my whole lips

If you don’t like my lyrics you can laugh and kiss this

Got beef with many If I don’t play the game

but they don’t play my level, one in the same

Some haters try and use my nice ass

So I can be their sugar mama over cash…fuckers

I don’t know why you are taking me here

you can’t afford one beer

I’m from bad to better playa I ain’t dumb

I got 99 facebook friends but they ain’t real ones….

Just hit me…

and get it over with.

99 facebook friend but they ain’t real ones

If you’re having friend problems I feel bad for you son

I got 99 facebook friends but they ain’t real ones

wish they’d just hit me

get it over with.


The year is 2014 and my truck is full

in my rear view mirror is a benz

I got two choices yall keep driving or

slow down the car some more

Now I ain’t trying to stick no gun out the door

but I got a few bullets galore

So I pull over cuz’ he’s on the side of the road

And I heard…”Girl, you better stay on the other side of the door!”

Cause’ this guys young and he’s ready to blow

and I think I know body language, maybe I don’t know

Am I ready to go or should I stay some mo’?

Well I was doing fifty five and the sucker was going 94

Thought it was a cop on the back road

until I saw him riding my bumper to my dashboard

I ain’t steppin out to see me on my deathbed

Ain’t kickin’ it when it’s down either

just lettin’ it inside my head

Enjoy a few last moments of heat

before I go to bed

cuz’ I’d rather call him a policy

cuz when humans hit me….

then I get the insurance money….

99 facebook friend but they ain’t real ones

If you’re having friend problems I feel bad for you son

I got 99 facebook friends but they ain’t real ones

wish they’d just hit me

get it over with.

Now once upon a time very long ago

A chica like me had a strong arm and a hoe

not a hoe in the sense of whore

but a hoe digging up land in order to grow

I tried to stay there and continue to mow

Pray for sunlight, but some fools just love the rain

You know the type where your socks are stained

but you won’t change your socks cause you don’t fret

the only thing that’s gonna happen, my feet get more wet 

While I keep trappin’ the crayfish cause their like gold

And there I go back to the creek, don’t fold

cuz it’s back through the forest with cliffs galore

While my fake friends stay at home pop some corn

watch their tv sets, then later switch to porn

Cuz’ Paparazzi’s got the camera on all the pretty faces

until the D.A. Comes in tells em their wasted cases

half-a-mil for nothing but a body that’s fit 

All because some fool wanted his man candle lit

And she’s trying to play the man like he cares

but there ain’t nothing sweet about his nightmares

and just like him…

I got 99 facebook friends but they ain’t real ones…

if you’re having friend problems I feel bad for you son…

just hit me…

and get it over with.

Your Class is like Glass: Easily Breakable

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Young men want to step

to me through puddles

like they can afford waterproof boots

but they got the imitation kind

the water goes all inside

and they think they can steal mine

tell me they’ll give em back

but shortly after

time runs out and

it’s more than the boots and socks

it’s about all he mocks…

about other people like himself

thinks he’s so game

but really he’s insane

cuz he thinks other people are to blame

doesn’t want to grow up

admit life is lame

with wet socks

if you can have her dry ones…

but you need to…

get your own

and live without a bone

thrown to you every time

you’re hungry…

you gotta starve.

Your class left your soul

like broken glass

so bring your trash over

pick up every piece until the last

Older men want to step

like they want some babies

let’s have a conversation

then get down to the business

papers

cuz I need a wife

cuz I am tired

of cleaning alone

being nice

to whores for a bone…

I need a full time woman

who cooks and does my laundry…

but I want her to work

then come home, take care of me fondly…

but then there’s an army

holding grudges while she folds your laundry

cuz’ how do you expect her to mend

everything that’s broken

when you can’t comprehend

you created a situation

out of a false idea of man..

cuz you’re just a little boy

Your class left your soul

like broken glass

so bring your trash over

pick up every piece until the last

so it doesn’t come back

like your past

to repeat itself

like concrete

it bonds to itself

until there is crack

no one can deny seeing.

Scurry With Your Nuts

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I’m gonna pin those pants to your crack

so they can’t hang expose what you lack

cuz’ you make everyone nervous

hold their purse

since you look like

you should be in a Hurst

you move so fast

but your brain is slow

it dreams but has nowhere to go

the clouds are barriers in your mind

not a pillow you can use to climb

up to the sun

and you took all the fun

out of party before you arrived

then blamed everyone else left inside

walkin’ down the street drunk trying to have a conversation

but even your friend doesn’t talk to avoid escalation

you sound like a spoiled punk

who didn’t get his daddy to pay him

for doing

nothing…

Sometimes you look in the mirror

your buttons up but really their down

your smile is there but really its a frown

shirt is clean but your hair looks like a clown

you got your mirrors dirty

so clean that shit and hurry

cuz’ she won’t wait

she’ll scurry

like a squirrel

with your nuts

I’m gonna take that beer chip back

cuz’ you don’t need another one

you got yours all intact

but your life reenacts

every step to the bar as if it is your past

the morning ruined when you realize you wasted cash

living in the left lane you’re going too fast

can’t slow down until you pass

that guy with everything you lack

but you always take step back

cuz the shoe is on your foot fool

don’t act like others don’t play you cool

maybe they know the jokes on you

maybe they feel some sympathy too

but kindness isn’t weakness

unless you see through the eyes of the unkind

so push play and not rewind….

Sometimes you look in the mirror

your buttons up but really their down

your smile is there but really its a frown

shirt is clean but your hair looks like a clown

you got your mirrors dirty

so clean that shit and hurry

cuz’ she won’t wait

she’ll scurry

like a squirrel

with your nuts

Why Do People Try So Hard?

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         I think it is sad most people go through life experiencing a lot but a little at the same time. They think the quantity of experience is more relevant than the caliber.  I have learned hanging around the same people becomes kind of redundant unless you have an unusual connection. To hang out just to hang out is like going to the mall just to walk around. You don’t get the whole experience of life if you spend it with people who create cycles rather than doors.  Ultimately you end up closing doors on people who actually could matter because you spend free time on maintaining the same routine. Break it and buy that new routine people. If you aren’t happy, change something, anything. Find someone new to hang around, at least you tried something different. 

And when I say to people you need to meet new people they assume “going out” will do this. This is the lamest idea in society. A socially accepted way of meeting but completely unrealistic of having anything pure and real crafted out of an environment with music blasting, beer, and lack of conversation. Have you ever sat alone at a bar on purpose? I have. I sat there for a long time like an old person looking for any signs of life around me and boy did it get boring after a while. And quite depressing. You observe everything since you are not part of it. You become a reader rather than an actor. To see through people is to see truth everywhere you go. When you experience so much socially to the point where people cannot confuse or pull a fast one on you, you see common behaviors in people. They become characters in the fake story they tell you. Their eyes become like daggers and you just want the down to earth person to walk in who has the real story. A person who could talk all night because they have so much to say. Who wants the person who can do one liners and thinks of silence as humble but really it is just stupidity? Why do people feel the need to fit into social norms? Notice how people who go out all the time go out all the time in search of something. Do they really get what they want at the end of the night? Or is the next thought process what are we doing tomorrow night? Usually the second one. And in rare instances I am wrong…I have been proven wrong but if I took the ratio down you can guess what it would prove. Humans are naturally drawn into drama. It is far more difficult to avoid drama. So we must embrace it even if it sucks and learn some things can be made worse. It is up to us to make it better and not to avoid it. So next time you find yourself in a Deja Vu situation laugh at it and get your popcorn cause you know how it will end.

Allergic to Shellfish on Christmas

/ AbsurdinLife / 3 Comments

Kinda funny. I was eating pasta last night as the family gathered. After a few minutes I realize the calamari is in the sauce. Big problem. I start getting crampy, thinking maybe I just need to poop. Nope, it isn’t even digesting right so i am way far ahead of the process haha. First comes the headache, then the feeling of a lump of coal in my tummy, and then the hot and cold issues start. Finally my gut lets it all out and it looks almost like I vomited a bunch of Christmas decorations. I start laughing like a crazy person because who would have thought this would happen on Christmas Eve. I managed to stay away from foods like this the entire year but yeah haha encountered it on the Holiday. Finally trying to fall asleep at 3 am, shaking like a baby in the fetal position because I am cold. Then it happens. My cats one by one circle around me as if instinctively trying to keep me warm. I am kinda whimpering like a baby and Juan the cat no joke puts her paw over my mouth. I don’t know whether she was trying to shut me up or maybe she was trying to calm me down. Either way it was quite amusing.  I think it is beautiful really though how animals can adapt so well to one person it almost is as if words become nothing. They look at you, you look at them, you know when its play time or when it is time to cuddle up and nap. Their eyes speak volumes and remind me love can exist without words.

 

My Cats (My Girl Cover)

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I’ve got friskies on a nice plate

When it’s cold outside I’ve got the cats all day

I guess you’d say

What can make me the crazy cat lady?

My cats, my cats, my cats

Pettin’ all my cats, my cats


I’ve got so much litter my gas points are envied

I’ve got a robot laser light so they can play without me.

Well, I guess you’d say
What can make me the crazy cat lady?

My cats, my cats, my cats

Pettin’ all my cats, my cats

Meow Meow Meow

Meow Meow Meow
Ooooh.

I don’t need no dog, horse, or fish

I’ve got all the kitties, baby, one woman can miss.

Well, I guess you’d say
What can make me a crazy cat lady?
My cats, my cats, my cats

Pettin’ all my cats, my cats.

 

I’ve got catnip on a boring day

With my cats.

I’ve even got the shots done in May

With my vet

Talkin’ bout

Talkin’ bout

Talkin’ bout

My cats

oooohhh

My cats

As long as I live I will talk about my cats….

The Blame Blame Baby (Lady Gaga Parody)

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I can’t help myself I’m addicted to the strife of

materials

It’s some kind of performance, I’m driven

to oppose the majority

All we care about is, greed, bmw’s,

and wine bottles

Give me something I can be, retro influenced

Hollywood yes we die for the

Fame

Doin’ it and it’s all for

Fame

Cuz we wanna die in the life of the sick and

the followed

Doin’ it for the deathly Game

Cuz everyone wants to live the life of the wealthy

and famous

Fame

Doin’ it for the

Blame

cuz we gotta drink the chardonnay and infinity

of fortune

Fame Fame maybe

The fame fame

We live for the blame blame baby

but we think it’s really fame fame

It’s a shame shame maybe

A blame game maybe

Isn’t it the same same baby

When it comes to fame flame baby

The fame fame….

I can see myself at the strip club with my

face in the neon lights

photographs in my mind and whatever on

the internet you find

All I care about is pornographic surprise

and fake handcuffs

Give me something, I wanna feel anything and

Nice blondes in all kinds of positions

Fame

doin’ it for the deathly game

Doin’ it but themselves

blame comes around

cuz we wanna live the life of the privileged and

blame

the poor….

fame
Fame
Doin’ it for the
game
Cuz we gotta taste the dick

and call it fortune…

Blame Blame baby

the blame blame

We live for the blame game baby

Isn’t if a guilt trip baby

A shame shame baby

in It for the money money baby

but really get the blame blame

Don’t ask me when and where

but I’m gonna get somewhere then nowhere

It will be my worst fucking nightmare

Don’t ask me how I got here

But I’m gonna make it to nowhere

My worst f’n nightmare

Don’t ask me how or why

But I’m gonna make it with all my assets tonight….

Yeah I’m gonna make it alright….


Blame!

Blame!

Doin’ it for the blame!

Cuz’ we wanna live the life of the insane and

don’t blame us

Blame

Doin’ it for the

insane Cuz we gotta drink the best wine and endless

keg of fortune

Comfortable Flickin’ (Pink Floyd Cover)

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Hello,

is there any whore out there

just nod at me if you can see me

is there any boyfriend at home

Come on now

I hear you’re feeling disposable

I can ease your guilt

And get you on your knees

Relax

I’ll need some verification first

from your gynecologist

Can you send me the results?

Hello,

Is there not a whore out there

Just nod at me if you can find me

Is there no dick you aren’t receiving

A distant whore upon the horizon

You are only cumming through the fakeness

Your lips move but they say nothing

When I was a child I thought girls were great

MY hands felt like they were waiting

Now I wish they had fallen off

I can’t explain, your IQ is off

This is not a dickhead response

I have become comfortable with masturbation

O.K.
Just alittle dick prick

There’ll be no more fake aaaahhhh!

But can you feel a little poke

Can you Take it?

I do believe it’s motion that’s good

That’ll keep you comin back for more

Come on it’s time to settle down…

There is no dick you aren’t receiving

A distant whore upon the whorizon

You are only cumming throuh fake moans

Your lips moves but they speak nothing

When I was a child

I thought women were awesome

I caught a fleeting gimpse of what was wrong

Out of the perficial of my eye

I turned to look but she was gone to another guy

I cannot put my finger on why

The child is grown

The whore is gone

And I have become

Comfortable with Flickin’.