To Help Survivors ❤

How long will you let them control you? How many years did you sacrifice worrying about the people who did not worry about you? How many nights did you cry silently because you did not want people to yell at your tears? How many years went by where you couldn’t focus on yourself because you spent nights waiting for their arrival in fear?

It is time to wipe those tears and embrace what you were always afraid of: giving up on the people who gave up on you. And it isn’t going to be easy reprogramming your mind back to where it was before it all happened. And perhaps, it will never be the same. But know, you survived like a warrior. You came out of a battle some people do not survive and some people will never comprehend. And it isn’t your duty to explain yourself, your reasons for staying, your reasons for going back, and your reasons for loving the people who could never love you back. Forgive yourself. For you had tried to face another person’s demons while facing your own. While trying to survive an already cruelly set up world. And in all the darkness, you brought a light. One so bright, it attracted the lost souls out of the darkness. It was not your fault. And trust me, for years you thought it was, rummaging through self help books, videos, and picking yourself apart to pieces. A task few people attempt to do for a lifetime. In the end, you realized you were not perfect but you were nothing like those who hurt you.

So shine my beautiful survivors. Shine so bright that the world can see you are every color of the rainbow. Shine from the moment your eyes open to the moment they close at night. Even if it hurts to try because you are so exhausted by now. You owe it to yourself more than anyone in this world to realize who you are: a survivor and not a victim.

Now She’s Gone

         Poof! Now she’s gone! Like the song by Felt no one ever knows she references. At least she can admit an ex introduced her to the band, rather than act as if she found it herself. Desiring to look cool to possible dating prospects. Ha ha. Go right ahead, add that one to your playlist as well. Like the other songs she tried to listen to, that you didn’t let her, and post to your facecrap so the next woman can think you can terrific taste in music. More like her taste in music. Rainbow kitten surprise, Kasey Musgraves, Theo Katzman, Chet Faker. The list could go on. I am sure she will eventually see a mutual friend of yours on facecrap post pictures at one of these artists concerts with you. Just know she won’t be jealous. It doesn’t work. She will always find music, venues, and people to hang out with. Go see the bands that are no longer at their prime like the Counting Crows, or ones you had already seen a decade ago but cannot remember for reasons I will not say. You don’t even have the motivation to find your own taste in music. That speaks volumes.

       So go ahead you can try to replace the now ex Fiancée with one of the many women you kept chatting on the side, while acting like you were ready to settle down. Any woman would have seen it as a red flag. And let me make this clear, go ahead with your smear campaign; but she is not a pedophile accuser. The replacement though is nineteen years old and you are in your late thirties. People will judge but you two are perfect for each other. She lies about having a boyfriend, has no self respect, attention seeks and is immature. By the way, so cool to act as if you were always platonic friends, when the reality was far from it. So cool to invite ex dating prospects to events. And “just chatting” with them late hours of the evening while knowing you would be upset if your now ex Fiancée started doing the same.

        Oh, dare I mention the infamous line? “Oh, I would beat a guy if he pet you.” Meanwhile, letting your now ex Fiancée watch your double standards, deep rooted in misogynistic, alpha male stereotypes. You think she was dumb, huh? Not dumb, but maybe dumb for loving you so much she put up with things no normal woman would have. The truth is: she loved you since she was nineteen years old and first laid eyes on you. She saw potential. But as ten years past, you decided to just give up on yourself. Decided to not contribute to society or do anything to better yourself. Instead, it seems you gave up while expecting some kind of miracle to save you from yourself?

         Was she supposed to be that miracle? After you told her she expected people to take care of her, while she went through extensive surgeries? Did you think it did not hurt when you assumed she was a “golddigger.” She worked full time during college, after college, and up until she had to do surgery. Basically since she was sixteen years old. God forbid unseen health circumstances arose that she had to address. So kind of you to judge rather than listen. So kind of you to literally regurgitate her previous abusive exes insults and continue to imbed it into her head? Didn’t think of the fact, you might be reopening wounds rather than leaving the scars she healed alone. And let’s not even get into the fact your own resume hasn’t looked great in ten years, but you were perfectly abled bodied. Throw your stones while living in a glass house, right?

        And one must ask: how many other women were supposed to be a life changing miracle for you? How many ended up hurt? Why do you think it is fair to expect so much emotional support while treating women as disposable once the honeymoon phase wears off? You think telling everyone your exes did to you what you really did to them  isn’t going to be figured out? You think you have people fooled but really the joke is on you. And it is not a funny joke to actually live the way you do. It is sad.

       All us past women once had faith you would tell the truth when asked, but after repeated lie after lie; the trust was gone. You expect to build a solid foundation off of no truth. She had to see with her own eyes your lies to wake up. And when she saw undeniable evidemce: you lied again. Gaslit her like the nineteen forties movie. What was next? A flickering of the lights, then telling her she was seeing things? No one deserves to live that way. No one. Not so you can maintain your façade. She wanted to live in truth, not lies.

      But what really sticks out and probably always will is the way you purposed. The casual handing over of the ring in the car, then the infamous line: “nw you can rub it in my best female friend’s face.” She wishes she could replace it with anything else. As a child, she envisioned a man at least getting on one knee and muttering four words. Such an expectation, right? She knew she was right in feeling like a pawn in a game riddled with jealously inducing antics, based upon your own insecurities. It was as if she wasn’t even a human to you. It was as if you failed to see how embarrassing it would be to explain to other people how you purposed. But looking back, she now sees it as a blessing. She now sees she was lucky to have not married someone who couldn’t even get on one knee like a gentlemen and say four words. Someday, when she finally finds a man who kisses her forehead at night, never wants to see her shed a tear, and actually wants a real commitment, you will probably think: I wish I never let her go. But she won’t try to remember you by then. She will create memories she deserves to have with someone who deserves her.

You Won’t Meet the Past Again

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I hope you are happy now

I hope you can make it alone

Every woman that tried to love you

Is out in the rain, drenched to the bone

I hope the road is paved for you

Rather than as rocky as mine

I hope you find the perfect woman

Just don’t wrap her in twine

But I have a funny feeling

You won’t meet the past again

She was too sweet to go on

Playing your pretend

Cuz’ she wanted reality,

instead of the fallacy

created inside your head

To avoid seeing the hell she’d see

As she cried in bed

Feeling used and abused

As the next option, you fed

All the lies about her to

Giving others the lead

But I hope you remember how much you hated yourself

before anyone else

Even tried to love you

I hope you remember someday

When her face finally turns blue

How much she tried to give to you…

When she had nothing

Nothing at all

As you helped orchestrate her undeserved fall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be Yourself

This past week I feel there has been a death in my soul. I have not been on here much. Was working on change. Now, I am not trying to sound emo but it is what it is. Change fooled me. Thought this was my time to be the light against the dark but another hand extinguished my flame again. I am saddened I have once again been misunderstood by those around me. My struggles, my goals, my quirky behavior, my eccentric interests, and my humbleness. All of this has once again been horribly perceived as being a mediocre person overall. I feel my attributes have this horrific downfall and somewhat comedic downfall at the same time. I feel like I am the person who would wait their whole life to attend a evening event like the Oscars, pay thousands to go, make sure all attire is okay, and precisely plan every moment only to end up with toilet paper on my shoe. I would study for a test for weeks and end up missing the one question I felt confident on and getting all the answers I guessed at correct. I have always had the unexpected happen to me.

I don’t know how to cope with this other than humor. Other than, hopping in my car and singing so loud I irritate everyone. Other than dancing so much the neighbor probably hates me. Other than smiling so much someone walks by and thinks i am either nuts or rich as heck. I don’t know how I would cope without this platform to speak upon. Even if it is to no one. I really do not care at all.

I just hope this helps someone else. I hope when they feel misunderstood they read this and can get back what part was taken from them. I hope I inspire them to put on their PJs and go mow the lawn if they like. If I were their neighbor I wouldn’t stare, I would probably join them. I am tired of feeling this immense pressure to fit in my whole life. I know people are most capable of great things when they feel as if they can be themselves. From now on, I live how I want to.

I am Who I am

I am who I am

don’t question my sanity

when you can’t be a man

step up to the plate

instead of calling this fate

can’t pay for your own haircut

but have money for a mutt

throw dollars on counters

but make me drive after for hours

then pay for the gas…

I got angry super fast

tightened my laces last

ready to run away

when you tried to decay

my esteem to a pile of frost

so cold, and told

what to do

how to stand

when to raise my hand

follow your command

like you were a man

but inside just a teenager

with a small wanker

like a cheesy tv anchor

filling in for the sucker who’s sick

but really he’ll quit before the shows done

cuz’ he ain’t no fun

no love

no trust

so he must

sit alone

convinced in his own lies

trying to put back his insides

he destroyed by too much time

spent on misplaced pride…

 

 

 

You Were Nothing Like Me

You were nothing like me

like God created women and man

you created me out of the epitome

of your own sorrow

so you could borrow

my soul

only to leave it blackened

but still burning like a pile of cinders

beneath your feet

you will drop down to your knees

as the sparks fly into the sky

and away from the lie

you created out of yourself…

There is no way to extinguish

my pain

the memories will become clearer

as I gain

a kind of sanity

you blocked from my reality

the time lost

will become well spent

cuz’ never will I repent my sins

to a man who avoids his….

never will I give my soul

to a man who cannot give his…

never will I bind myself up

and not call it was it is…

a game of betrayal…

with a unsincere kiss.

A Conversation Within Myself

Let’s just say if I were to name each parts of my mind which give me problems with different identities and looked upon each one for what it is in a sort of cynical yet comical manner this is the result. I believe every person has a dominant part of their personality which can complicate and simplify life. They also can create quite the thought processes. I don’t really think I am crazy rather perhaps always thinking, observing, reacting. Since I am anxious a lot it creates quite terrific stories in my head which I can admit are quite imaginary but I must keep reality in check. Writing helps me do so. And of course knowing I have an audience.

Anxious Allison: Oh I am so mad that wiper blade ripped off and by some fluke cracked the windshield and what if it isn’t covered and the insurance company just lied!? I mean could they? I am not recording the conversation they are so who in the right mind would say hold on while I fetch that recording for you so you can prove us wrong on our own evidence?

Rational Rachel: Omg shut the F*ck up! You called already and now you are just choosing to obsess about it for no reason because Anxious Allison always finds something small and blows it up like a bunch of fireworks on forth of July. Just grab some food if you feel stressed you need to gain weight.

Sympathetic Sally: Oh shut being so rough on Anxious Allison it isn’t her felt she has suffered so much trauma in life she must create it in order to feel alive. She doesn’t realize at times her behavior has been learned. Maybe you should try a less abusive approach and give a hug instead.

Rational Rachel: Yup baby that side and see how it helps. It doesn’t it just makes her think it is ok to let her mind wander in pure anxiety until there is nothing left but anxiety and no love or bliss or anything else. Wake up Sally not all things need soft love at times they need hard love too. haha. That sounded bad. I can be too animal like at times. My bad.

Sympathetic Sally: Alright. I see your point. Well maybe together we can counteract Anxious Allison together.

Rational Rachel: Heard and applied.

Anxious Allison: Ok. I am good now. Panic attack over. Just called the insurance company again and had them send an audio file to my email of the conversation. Crazy huh?

Sympathetic Sally: We have a a lot of therapy to do.

Rational Rachel: Indeed.