Miss Silent

She looks down at a broken body that is unrecognizable. Nothing feels connected. Hands to feet, head to spine; it no longer feels like its own. A droid, who has been replaced with obscure parts after each incident of trauma. The brain, overwhelmed, but attempting to rewire itself to all the new pieces. Sparks flying, as she smiles brokenly and no one notices it’s just hiding an avalanche of tears that could flood the world for all of its sins. F**k. She can’t hold it inside anymore. It has to go somewhere.

Have you ever had someone take your soul? Pull it down to the depths of an abyss of sh*t and make you stare right at it while it’s on fire? God, I can’t help but hate him. I can’t help it anymore. The day he dies from his own self destruction will be the day I come back alive. She thinks.

She fought the demons in her sleep; woke up with burns. She fought the devil at her feet; woke up with cold limbs. Awakened to a woman hovering above her face with the brightest yet darkest eyes. And she screamed so loud all the forests would have shaken to the ground. Yet still, no one even heard a sound. They formed their circles all around, laughing and gossiping. She laid down, her head on the concrete, staring at what was left of her body. Staring at the front door, hoping just one genuine person in the world would knock. No one ever came.

They’re right. No one is going to save you from the monsters in your head. No one is going to save you from the monsters outside either. I will never understand why? Why did you have to take what wasn’t yours? I can’t sleep at night without your visits into my fu**king beautiful dreams. I can’t stop fighting this disease you put in my head so I lucid dream. I plant palm trees, cats, and sunshine in literal paths where you haunt my unconscious. I am afraid to sleep alone and afraid to sleep by someone. I am afraid one day you will reach me again. I have been running so long now I can’t feel my feet. Sometimes I wish I could go to heaven already. But I realize I’m here to teach the demons on the ground a lesson.

She’s meeting a woman at noon who is living in an illusion and has no idea. She knows the mirrors will be shattered, time will revert back to normal, and her heart might just feel like it’s going to explode like a bloody supernova. Her eyes may swell so much from crying the nerves behind them could enlarge. The wall’s normal sounds could start to be a threat and every person who passes by her home could be his retaliation. She wants to prevent this all. Miss Silent gives the magic door to escape the ultimate sequence of trauma. That’s her purpose out of all the unnecessary trauma; be the magic in a void.

Her hands move anxiously around a coffee cup. Changing positions every two seconds like the plagued mind on overdrive thanks to this son of a b***h.

He doesn’t probably give a hoot, lounging in his PJ pants, and watching the latest law and order while being unjust trash. Someone should smash the tv set with a hammer and make him looked into a mirror. Miss Silent thinks.

“I don’t understand if I’m being unreasonable. He may not be up to anything. He could be just at work. Maybe this is silly.” The distraught women says.

“Does it feel like someone kicked your stomach?”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

After a long pause mixed with fear, she says yes.

“Just let me help but you must trust me more than him. More than any person right now in your life. And it might be the strangest request you might have to fulfill, but everything you know is an illusion. I’m the dose of painful reality that will bring about your awakening.” Miss Silent says with an unshakable confidence.

Safe Box

In the safe box where no one can hurt me
Recovering from fighting all these adversities
Don’t want to be found, threw away the keys
Found freedom being a recluse, living in dreams
World full of illusionists, I won’t crawl on my knees
Rather be alone than fit in with these beings.

Social Media & Facades

We’re living in a day and age where people can just create facades online. I grew up with the fortunate experience of when you wanted to meet someone, you had to call them and meet up. There was no sneaky way of hiding behind a mask. A facade back then would rapidly dissipate into a billion fragments of nothingness. But now, we have an issue with social media. And perhaps, some people don’t understand why I go on these tangents about the toxicity of it. Well, because it’s destroying the mental and sometimes physical well being of the human population. Not just the victims of these kinds of perpetrators are suffering but those who do anything to maintain this image. They’ll self destruct just for the likes, follows, and validation.

They’ll take enhancement drugs, stomp on vulnerable people, and even use subtle covert bullying tactics. Everyone on the outside sees nothing but just a simple post, while the bullied victim knows the real meaning behind it; derived from previous private conversations. They’ll steal other people’s ideas and create a narrative that they have this obsessed weirdo who copies them. Haha. Anything to stay on the fake podium they created. Anything to keep those who are authentic competition feeling like they should leave the playing field. It’s like the kid in competitive sports who yells at their competitors at the worst time in order to humiliate them. We all know one of those, right? Well now with social media they’re some adults with keywords.

And people say don’t call them out? Don’t engage? Well what are you supposed to do when platforms don’t take reports seriously and just let bullying carry on. They’ll imply you perhaps need tougher skin? Nah. I would like to be the softer version of myself without having to turn into a nightmare to protect myself from these vultures. Haha. I would like to feel safe to be vulnerable instead of feeling like I am attracting a bunch of crows attempting to dig into my flesh and find an Achilles heel. It’s unfortunate that I try to maintain composure by not engaging with negative energy vampires but some of them seem to take that approach as a challenge. And the more boundaries I put up the more they try to infiltrate my walls. I personally build until it’s like the great wall of china. Haha. I guess tiring them out is the best strategy.

No one will ever tear me down now that I’ve been through it all but I do worry about the younger generation of vulnerable people. This world needs change and that kind of change needs to expand to how we interact with eachother online. It’s easy to forget there are real humans behind a screen but I hope it becomes normalized to think before hitting post. Thanks for listening. Thanks for the support.

Mister Pretend

Didn’t see it coming

Thought I was naive

I was playing chess

While you had checkers up your sleeve

Bastet came from inside of me

Egyptian mythology

Entered in my dreams

Sucked your blood until it ran clean

The gods above forgave me

Went back to who I used to be

Softer, loving

Forgiving all atrocities

_______

You will never ascend

Mister pretend

Eventually your body will turn to dust

So I don’t have to lend

My energy

To your will

To your will

Time is on my side

While I remain still

________

Didn’t see it coming

Thought I was bluffing

I was playing poker

While you hit the lever for nothing

Athena emerged from inside of me

Greek mythology

Came to me in my dreams

Instead of battle, had a strategy

The wise do not speak

Know when to fight

To keep

It locked up inside

Swallow our pride

But Mister Pretend

Spins his web

Trapped in lies

Creates his show

While little they know…

The truth behind who he’s hurt.

Love

She’s not a victim anymore but a survivor. She has scars that carry stories forever. At one point in time the sight of them could make the world want to be blind, but now she wears them with grace. Every moment she breathes is a moment where they don’t win. Every word she writes, they see and must face their own false self, created out of the imaginary. She will never be silenced. The illusions once created are theirs to keep, shackling them to the ground and internally she knows they weep. Unable to speak because the truth would break away the fallacy they created for the world to see. The “I never needed her.” “She was nothing to me.”

Love. What is love? She asks. Love does not change when someone is sick, poor or struggling. Love withstands the pressure of all outside forces trying to conquer it. Love does not stand aside when the person you were supposed to protect is being cornered by those who are unworthy of having that power. It defends and defeats those who try to destroy it. And if you walk away leaving a wounded person on a battlefield, what should it be called? Desertion.

But in her case, this desertion brought her resurrection. And oddly enough, she bears scars on three out of four limbs. She carries the weight like a feather, because they ended up creating something that will never lose its light. Will never go to the pits of the darkness again, but understands the necessity of it. She has learned to stand alone and never let another impose on her will. And this was the most valuable lesson of her life. You see? These scars no longer represent the darkness but the will she had to fight for love.

To Chronic Pain Sufferers

I’ve been waiting to write this and I don’t know why. This year has been a blur of all the darkest colors on the spectrum. The pain, lack of sleep, isolation, and lack of understanding of what I’m up against has sort of forced me to write this. As well as realizing some people were meant to exit my life so I could try to submit and battle this awful syndrome all at the same time.

Having one of the worst chronic pain conditions truly taught me about myself and others. It’s shown me I would have to be one strong person to face this. I’ve crawled on really bad days, cried silently, and then smiled in the face of this devilish syndrome with no relinquishment of pain. It’s all the same: burning, coldness, discoloration, numbness, and stabbing. Sometimes I stumble over words as if my brain cannot process what is going on like a computer network being ddosed with too much information. I tremor now trying to fight the signals as my nervous system decides to overload them throughout my body.

And there is nothing that can prepare someone for this kind of h*ll on earth. There is nothing that can prepare someone for the judgments, ignorance, and misguided advice you will receieve either. You have to prepare yourself. You have to read the best sources, fight for the best care, live at appointments, and shut out those who just want to criticize. You have to find the people who will help you. They are out there but hiding away from a world where a lack of empathy is ruling most of the mainstream thought processes. You can’t change some people either, but never give up hope in finding those who will understand. They are out there waiting to be found just like you. Be patient with yourself, kind to yourself and it will be okay. Sometimes we must fight battles we never expected, but just know you’re not alone. ❤

No Erase Button

I cannot erase the image from my mind. He had eyes so vacant they could compete with a clear night sky. He was the dark while I wished for a single bright star to manifest; as if it could be a sign of hope. But no such star would ever be seen.

All the good memories now seem like a fabrication of reality. An experience which she was only present for and he was absent. No wonder she felt so alone even in his presence. Pouring love into a fallacy, as if it could save the illusion he created. It became clear all the dark energy around him now consumed the light in his eyes. Until she could no longer recognize who he was; left with the image of a stranger. And he’s now smoking his life away on a lonely bench with no destination. Choosing a slow demise over love and life.

The hardest thing is to love someone but be put in a position where you must chose yourself. The hardest thing to do is to watch someone fall apart and let the universe step in. The hardest thing is seeing someone be loyal to their own lies and enablers while you are left watching the tradegy unfold. And in your heart, you wished they chose a different path. In your heart, lies the aftermath of the image of what they could have been.

My Thoughts on Abuse by Proxy

There needs to be awareness of a phenomenon which can possibly happen to victims of abuse. Especially after they leave the situation and the abuser no longer has access to them or control. It’s called abuse by proxy. This is where third parties are misled into thinking the victim deserves further punishment and act on the behalf of the perpetrator.

Tactics include creating humiliating situations, attempting to gain information to relay it to the perpetrator, spreading false rumors, and trying to turn friends or family against the victim. These methods are incredibly effective at silencing, intimidating and isolating the person who holds the truth. Those who do the dirty work are believing they are correcting a perceived injustice when in actuality they are re-traumatizing a person who is trying to heal.

These people who are doing the dirty work are also in a sense, victims. They have been preyed upon, misled, and now wrapped into a web of lies. If they do finally realize a pattern exists with the perpetrator, they end up feeling remorse for playing a part. Or they risk becoming the target for wrath if they confront the narrative given.

I personally believe based upon my own experiences, this could be one of the many reasons why those who have suffered traumatic situations do not speak out. It feels like a misled army is trying to invade your boundaries, peace, and prohibit you from healing. If those you trusted turn against you, it can be incredibly difficult to face all of this alone. For anyone going through this please know there are people out there who have faced the same type of abuse and will understand. Thank you.

Now She’s Gone

         Poof! Now she’s gone! Like the song by Felt no one ever knows she references. At least she can admit an ex introduced her to the band, rather than act as if she found it herself. Desiring to look cool to possible dating prospects. Ha ha. Go right ahead, add that one to your playlist as well. Like the other songs she tried to listen to, that you didn’t let her, and post to your facecrap so the next woman can think you can terrific taste in music. More like her taste in music. Rainbow kitten surprise, Kasey Musgraves, Theo Katzman, Chet Faker. The list could go on. I am sure she will eventually see a mutual friend of yours on facecrap post pictures at one of these artists concerts with you. Just know she won’t be jealous. It doesn’t work. She will always find music, venues, and people to hang out with. Go see the bands that are no longer at their prime like the Counting Crows, or ones you had already seen a decade ago but cannot remember for reasons I will not say. You don’t even have the motivation to find your own taste in music. That speaks volumes.

       So go ahead you can try to replace the now ex Fiancée with one of the many women you kept chatting on the side, while acting like you were ready to settle down. Any woman would have seen it as a red flag. And let me make this clear, go ahead with your smear campaign; but she is not a pedophile accuser. The replacement though is nineteen years old and you are in your late thirties. People will judge but you two are perfect for each other. She lies about having a boyfriend, has no self respect, attention seeks and is immature. By the way, so cool to act as if you were always platonic friends, when the reality was far from it. So cool to invite ex dating prospects to events. And “just chatting” with them late hours of the evening while knowing you would be upset if your now ex Fiancée started doing the same.

        Oh, dare I mention the infamous line? “Oh, I would beat a guy if he pet you.” Meanwhile, letting your now ex Fiancée watch your double standards, deep rooted in misogynistic, alpha male stereotypes. You think she was dumb, huh? Not dumb, but maybe dumb for loving you so much she put up with things no normal woman would have. The truth is: she loved you since she was nineteen years old and first laid eyes on you. She saw potential. But as ten years past, you decided to just give up on yourself. Decided to not contribute to society or do anything to better yourself. Instead, it seems you gave up while expecting some kind of miracle to save you from yourself?

         Was she supposed to be that miracle? After you told her she expected people to take care of her, while she went through extensive surgeries? Did you think it did not hurt when you assumed she was a “golddigger.” She worked full time during college, after college, and up until she had to do surgery. Basically since she was sixteen years old. God forbid unseen health circumstances arose that she had to address. So kind of you to judge rather than listen. So kind of you to literally regurgitate her previous abusive exes insults and continue to imbed it into her head? Didn’t think of the fact, you might be reopening wounds rather than leaving the scars she healed alone. And let’s not even get into the fact your own resume hasn’t looked great in ten years, but you were perfectly abled bodied. Throw your stones while living in a glass house, right?

        And one must ask: how many other women were supposed to be a life changing miracle for you? How many ended up hurt? Why do you think it is fair to expect so much emotional support while treating women as disposable once the honeymoon phase wears off? You think telling everyone your exes did to you what you really did to them  isn’t going to be figured out? You think you have people fooled but really the joke is on you. And it is not a funny joke to actually live the way you do. It is sad.

       All us past women once had faith you would tell the truth when asked, but after repeated lie after lie; the trust was gone. You expect to build a solid foundation off of no truth. She had to see with her own eyes your lies to wake up. And when she saw undeniable evidemce: you lied again. Gaslit her like the nineteen forties movie. What was next? A flickering of the lights, then telling her she was seeing things? No one deserves to live that way. No one. Not so you can maintain your façade. She wanted to live in truth, not lies.

      But what really sticks out and probably always will is the way you purposed. The casual handing over of the ring in the car, then the infamous line: “nw you can rub it in my best female friend’s face.” She wishes she could replace it with anything else. As a child, she envisioned a man at least getting on one knee and muttering four words. Such an expectation, right? She knew she was right in feeling like a pawn in a game riddled with jealously inducing antics, based upon your own insecurities. It was as if she wasn’t even a human to you. It was as if you failed to see how embarrassing it would be to explain to other people how you purposed. But looking back, she now sees it as a blessing. She now sees she was lucky to have not married someone who couldn’t even get on one knee like a gentlemen and say four words. Someday, when she finally finds a man who kisses her forehead at night, never wants to see her shed a tear, and actually wants a real commitment, you will probably think: I wish I never let her go. But she won’t try to remember you by then. She will create memories she deserves to have with someone who deserves her.

Miss Magic Part XII

“Stephen’s apartment is on Broad Street. I can check the mailboxes find his apartment number. You just keep a look out for anyone.”

“Will do. Better you than me, I am a clutz. I’d probably get caught.” Olivia admits.

Stephen’s apartment sat on a corner, of course it wasn’t the greatest complex. Neither was the neighborhood. Kid’s toys almost lying in the street from parents who didn’t pick them up. Perhaps, let alone supervise their children.

The mailboxes were mostly broken so it was easy to find his. Nothing looked like it was maintained for over a decade. Both doors almost fell off the frame when Jackie went in.

“It’s not very nice in there Olivia. He shouldn’t even pay rent until it’s fixed up really, really that bad.”

“Geez maybe we should have left a tenant’s rights booklet.”

“I think the money will be helpful for now. We could help him again, you know?” Jackie suggests.

“Indeed. He’ll definitely need more help in the future.”

“We have to find another casino and do it right this time. Go in with a plan, know the layout, scout it out beforehand, and really watch our own butts! We may not get lucky again if we’re caught.”

“Exactly. I was thinking about the same thing. I feel guilty in a way, but we are helping other people who need it and taking from a greedy casino. So is what we’re doing still morally wrong?”

“Don’t think of such things so much Olivia. It will tear up your insides like they’re being put through a meat grinder. Let’s just focus on doing good in our own community, then move onto bigger things. Hopefully no one will question us, until we have done so much, we’ll be like some kind of vigilantes in a good way.” Jackie says with childlike enthusiasm.

“I agree. It’s not like I can just sit there and do nothing, knowing what I can do now either.”

“Let’s figure out a game plan tonight, don’t rush it too much where it is stupid though. Let’s hope we can devise a good plan by the end of tonight with some more Ben and Jerry’s, Netflix running in the background, and the occasional off topic conversation I bring up. Haha!” Jackie exclaimed.

“I can get along with that idea!”

“So who do we help next? I kind of picked Stephen. You should decide the next person. We can at least discuss that before we get to the store.”

“What about Urma? I mean she’s behind in her taxes, what if we just go pay them for her? Is there a way? What if I said I was a relative from out of state, just trying to take care of my families finances that went haywire? Believable, right?”

“I mean you look quite young for trying to clean up your families mess, but we can think up your occupation, and I am sure they won’t even get that far to ask that question. Geez Olivia, you worry too much sometimes. It is best to be prepared for the worst, but at the same time you can’t always combat bad things from happening. Bad things do happen to good planners. You ever plan a trip out precisely and every little detail you planned seems to go the opposite way as planned. Your coffee lid falls off, your car breaks down, your tire pops, the parking is full, the event was cancelled, and your friend never showed up, right? Do you fret or not? Or do you think well this is just crap and try to make the most out of the crap? Jackie asks in a joking, but at the same time serious matter. The thing that make her different from the others.

“I am guessing I have to say make the most out of crap, because what choice is there really? Wallow in it? Haha. No thanks!” Olivia admits.

“Anyways, we were originally talking about Urma. We should probably get back onto that subject. We’ll just say you are a pharmacist if they ask, if that makes you feel better having an in depth plan. I’ll find out where we need to pay her taxes beforehand, make some phone calls. But know this; I get it Olivia. You are the one with the powers, so if anyone gets caught it will most definitely be you. I don’t blame you for at times, breaking mentally down in a way and being human. I truthfully would be ecstatic to have my powers as well as scared.”

They talk on and off topic all night. Finding all the casinos statewide, the best to devise and plan for and the least. It was ambitious. It was not going to take just one night of planning either, which they both realized. There had to be trust built as well between them. The kind where one would take a bullet for the other without hesitation. They were serious at times and joked to ease the stress of planning. They were the perfect team: honest, loyal, and strong for each other when they needed it. A friendship one could hope for their whole life and never have the chance to obtain.