Feel Sorry For You

Fighting my shadow

Getting ready for battle

While you have your little scalpel

Always under my chin

Think it will break me

but you’re out on a limb

Claiming you have talent

behind the facade you begin

Ego so far in your head

you think you can win

But some of us are in the grass

Waiting to take your den

Letting you get comfortable enough to think it’s over

Then we’ll buy out your unpaid range Rover

Talkin to people like their nothing but peasants

Mouth always running with no hesitance

People laugh at you cuz you’re so unpleasant

Go sit in your corner, alone with all the presents…

You bought yourself

Cuz you think it somehow helps

To mask the pain that cannot be felt

 

Sick of watching you blame someone else

I feel sorry for you

You project that you need help

But I’m just too busy to bother with people like you

Too strong to keep playing your fool

So quit trying to get inside my head

Good luck sleeping in your own bed

Got your head is so messed up

filled with lead

I’ll take the gun, be the Wyatt instead.

 

 

And instead of admitting your flaws

You encase yourself in all of your scars

While your teeth be knawing at all of the bars

I’ll be sitting here,

calmly counting the stars

Cuz your mind can’t be silent for just one second

Delusions and paranoia have you avoiding normal expression

Never have time for any self reflection

Barely have any normal recollection

So go add one more glass bottle to your collection

Come at me, but if I defend myself I’m doing it for attention?

What’s the other option, stand at your attention?

I’m not your puppet, don’t give a crap about your fake redemption

If I ever saw you at a party

I’d hide in the bathroom

Your fake

Can’t take

The bs you started

Come at me and I’ll get even more harder

Don’t know why you care to bother

I must get under your collagen infused skin

Cuz I’m more real than you ever have been

 

Sick of watching you blame someone else

I feel sorry for you

You project that you need help

But I’m just too busy to bother with people like you

Too strong to keep playing your fool

So quit trying to get inside my head

Good luck sleeping in your own bed

Got your head so messed up

Filled with lead

I’ll take the gun, be the Wyatt instead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Miss Revived Part 7

Suz felt overwhelmed secretly after the interaction with Ciera. More like drained. She knew she didn’t mean to be a burden upon her but her presence just was.

Ciera came from an unknown world to Suz. One filled with support, love, money, and opportunities. It was all in front of her; but it seemed Ciera could not stick to something. Oftentimes, she would complain to Suz she had no passion for anything and just wanted to hang around until her parents passed. They wanted her to be somebody though. She wanted to be a nobody.

The situation sickened Suz because she would have killed for her opportunities. She fought for anything that came her way. Even the jobs no one wanted. She told herself it’d mean something to someone, someday. Suz knew if she were in Ciera’s shoes, her parents would have been proud. She would have been successful. Money had ALWAYS been a like an invisible blade poking between her rib cage. No one saw it. No doctor could find it. No wealthy friend could understand it. It was always there though; waiting in the dark before she shut her eyes every night.

I feel like I gave someone free therapy right now. I like her but I don’t think she understands struggle enough. Maybe her parents should cut back her shopping sprees. I feel like I’m in a totally different world than her. She wakes up and is worried about her outfit like in High school. I wake up worrying about becoming homeless because I never have enough money to just live. To live and make something of myself. Why do I have to pay a house worth of debt for an education? Why?! I get paying some money but I feel like I was sold a false  dream wrapped in a perfect package to take advantage of the middle class. I’m living a game that had so many barriers to begin with; I’ve let myself become shackled though. How do I escape this? She thinks.

Her eyes transition over to a happy family. They are unaware of her presence, as she admires their careful and tender qualities. She can tell that child will be the next Ciera of the world. She hopes though it has enough ambition unlike Ciera to become someone worth being around.

Are they too protective of their child? Enabling? Perhaps not. At some point people make a decision to give up. Ciera gave up on everything she ever started. It was in her nature at a young age. I remember. This kid over here though could become the next Elon Musk. Who knows. Maybe just a piano prodigy. Whatever it is, it can be terrific at because of the love and support of their family. I need to stop assigning destiny’s to children. Haha. I guess I’m just afraid of what is to come in this world. I guess sometimes it’s hard to see the love, support, and open-mindedness on this planet when people are only concerned it seems with themselves. 

The walk was a tough one. A conversation inside her mind, leading to conclusions she felt like she once came to anyway.

I can’t help but feel like I’m always fighting the world out there. I try to be myself but people want me to be like them. I don’t ask anyone to change. I love the difference between each person I know. If we were all the same everything would be boring. Why do people care so much about opinions? Why do they try to mold others rather than focus the parts of one another that are in common? Why is there this underlying narcissist culture? Since when did people become even more this way? 

Suz pondered this question often and attributed it to internet culture, the educational institutions, curriculums, rural vs urban background, lack of mental health access and research, work related stress, divorce… She found it seemed a lot of factors contributes to an “all about me” culture. Nothing was really about helping bring people up. Something major was always bringing down narcissistic people. Something deep inside was chewing up their insides. But to Suz, to lose all empathy is to lose oneself. She could never understand not helping someone else even if she really couldn’t. Each person that walked away from helping someone to her was just as bad as being the person who made you lose your empathy in the first place.

No religion taught her this either. Nothing she read. This was taught through hours of loneliness, staring at floorboards, walls, ceilings, just thinking. This was said over and over to herself everytime she lost hope in the human race. And it slowly helped. Slowly, she noticed smiles more often. Slowly, she noticed the person who put their cart back perfectly (Not the one scrapping a car, then leaving theirs in the parking lot). Slowly, the rude people in the world disintegrated into nothingness inside her mind. And all those who shined, shined ever so brightly; that it blocked out all the cloudly-like faces.

Perception. It’s all about perception. She thought. Then finally let out a smile.

Tired

Tired of the emptiness

No one realizes their own sadness

While I sit and reflect like the bandit

Wishing I had more to give

And the future seems bleak

But the fires still brim

Can’t help but notice I can’t seem to win

Feels like a battle no one knows even  begins

Each one of us fighting a conscious within

ready to have something real to begin

But when I speak truth

I’m labeled on a whim

But I don’t need fake friends

Pretends, are a dime a dozen

Just like women who just want a bun in the oven

Feels like the world doesn’t know when the witch is in their coven

Feels like I’m taking heat for all their destruction

 

And I can’t keep trying

dying

Breaking then striving

Going through motions

When there are oceans of plenty

Those who say sit down are more than just empty

They come in your nightmares

Bring you no love but some Fendi

They speak in tongues

To make you avoid getting too heavy

Cowards at heart

Avoid their unconscious psyche

 

Tired of all the bitterness

No one realizes I always forgave their s***

Maybe I should start putting everyone under a microscope

Then say: show bliss!

think you’re more intelligent than me

Cuz you can’t miss the news for a day and resist

The urge to say you know better

When most new outlets publish the worst

Took real journalists

let them eat ramen

take crap work

Maybe I’m just sick of being hurt

It takes so much patience out of me

I imagine an invisible fist

So exhausted but no one can resist

Picking at what they perceive as weakness

When they should define their own bliss

If it’s not felt near me, go play in the dirt

I don’t have time to prove all my worth

Most have made me feel less than first

Go run right away

Nothing I’m not used to from birth

 

And I can’t keep trying

dying

Breaking then striving

Going through motions

When there are oceans of plenty

Those who say sit down are more than just empty

They come in your nightmares

Bring you no love but some Fendi

They speak in tongues

To make you avoid getting too heavy

Cowards at heart

Avoid their unconscious psyche

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Social Media, Jealousy, and Boundaries

We hear it all too often. The word jealous seems to come up quite a bit. It is sort of thrown around when someone could be a good judge of character, cautious, skeptical, and/or protective of who they keep around. It is a word which can be tossed around, isn’t actually dissected properly, and in my opinion is oftentimes geared towards women. This is an issue which needs to be addressed. Some men and women, view women as caddy and jealous, perhaps because of past experiences. Some women are quick to label valid criticism as jealously rather than listen. These are the real insecure women. They live in the clouds, post selfies all day, and get off on putting other women down. They give a perception that most women are like this to those who do not wish to entertain their antics. They create a competitive mentality which is more like bullying rather than displaying good sportsmanship. A strong woman, realistically will not be interested, engaged, or jealous of qualities she does not care to possess. And calling her jealous, may in fact push her to insecurity, and convince her she is nothing more than some stereotype you created out of a inherently sexist accusation. It also creates distrust of other women and the feeling of being manipulated out of your own feelings. And if anything, women need to learn how to trust other women more. Women who are not like this stereotype need to stick together, keep eachother’s secrets, and boost someone else’s esteem. It is a competitive world out there already, why make it worse?

Also, let us admit if there is a reason for the other woman to be jealous this is often overlooked because it is very easy to label the person who first complains. Obviously, the woman looking in from the outside knows she cannot display any jealousy, must keep her composure if she really wants to succeed in ruining a relationship. She could just want to see you unhappy and not even care if she ends up with you as well. The thought of any happy couple or witnessing a happy couple gets tn these kind of secretly insecure women. Instead of finding a single man to confide in, they oftentimes pick a taken one, are single themselves, and think this is appropriate. It is not unless a friendship with no romantic feelings has evolved. And how do men know they are not perhaps being naive and putting down a good women and exchanging her for a manipulative one? Sometimes red flags are everywhere but blinders are on the manipulated.

Let’s admit, some women are great manipulators. I have seen it happen where a women ends up with a man because she successfully tempted him away. Yes, indeed this is also the fault of the man for trying to stroke his ego, confide in someone with a hidden agenda, having insecurities himself, and a lack of communication. But I also think there is more to the picture as well. We cannot entirely look at the actions of people. We must also take a look at social media and how it affects our perceptions.

In modern society, we forget our lives are all over the internet. Go ahead and google yourself if you haven’t already. Some people will be surprised to find what the results are and how they came to be. I am not. It seems cool nowadays to be transparent and accessible. Some people do not bother to look into privacy settings, some sell their own information on online surveys, and some keep toxic people around on their social media.

Why?

Too often I see those with boundaries and skepticism of others crushed by the accusations of those who cannot comprehend the feeling of invasion of privacy upon our lives? Usually people resort to calling this kind of person overprotective, controlling, insecure, and jealous. Yes, we are all human and can feel these things but I think there is a line of respect which must be drawn. Not all people are comfortable exposing their lives to others, especially new people who have not yet earned any trust but that is not grounds for a jealousy, insecurity, or socially inept accusation. Some prefer to have a close knit circle of friends, clean out social media regularly, know privacy options, and avoid interacting with those who could not have their best interests in mind.  Women who do this are at risk of being labelled jealous, insecure, and socially handicapped by those who do not have any boundaries. It is amazing to me some people hit accept on every facebook request, keep toxic friends on their lists and exes, like posts from those who should be left in the past, and continue to think everyone else should operate the same way? I think with social media we have forgotten we have choices. We have the choice of how those online perceive us as well.

People are generally reluctant to post controversial things, opinions, and negative topics. Thy don’t want to offend others or break this perception of themselves as this perfect person. They don’t want to admit even if they have the fancy house and car, everything might not be right all the time. I have found the most satisfying internet communications I have had, have resulted in me being honest about my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. I have found those who are willing to not put on a facade are worth speaking to. I keep my friend list on facebook minimal for this reason. Too often I have offended someone I didn’t care that I offended, then removed them from my social media. That is my right. I didn’t do it out of jealousy, insecurity, or social dysfunction but rather for myself. I don’t care to have my life exposed to those who cannot handle criticism, skepticism, and don’t realize trust is built and not just given. And I don’t care to explain myself to people who are quick to judge and not listen either.

So I ask before you accuse a women especially or even a man of insecurity, jealousy, or a lack of social skills, evaluate if their concerns are valid, if they have boundaries for a reason, or perhaps just don’t relate to most people because their interests or life experiences. You’ll find it might be they just don’t desire the same kind of social interactions or the same lack of boundaries.

Your Echo Chamber Gives Fake Love

While you think you’re illuminated

You’ll soon be hated by the fan base you created

Out of a fable

Cuz the truth is you’re not able

to say you’re the greatest

You ain’t made for this

So hunch over, kiss my wrists

The ones you told me to slit

Go ahead and hit

next you’ll just talk shhhhiii…

I won’t even say it

Stoop to your standards

I won’t play it

You’re out on the playground

While I can be found..

Out in the real world

On the ground..

 

Oh, the real world

The real world

Where your antics just swirl

around you

And bound you

Mouth runs but I don’t hear a sound fool

And my thoughts stay above

While your echo chamber gives fake love

 

You ain’t good looking

Lips be pushing your skin

Lip injections

You’re fake

If I met you I’d poke you

see if you could take

it

without breaking the fragile skin

You let consume you within

As well as your phony narrative

But I’ve had enough of it

I’ll tell you to your face you ain’t shhii..

Oh nevermind, I don’t have the time

I quit..

I’ll let time show you the door

Don’t forget I locked it on the other side before

You even realized

More like put the nail in your coffin

Something tells me you lie often

Now sit on the floor

Reflect some more..

Then find me in the real world..

 

Oh, the real world

The real world

Where your antics just swirl

around you

And bound you

Mouth runs but I don’t hear a sound fool

And my thoughts stay above

While your echo chamber gives fake love

 

 

 

 

 

 

Miss Revived Part 6

The next day at work was gut wrenching.

“Suz! Get I go that pan cleaned up for me as soon as you can!” Her boss said while throwing it into the hours worth of a pile.

I hate my life right now. All I’ve been through and I end up back here, cleaning the filth of society or being a modernized servant. She thought.

“Do you think that’ll wash itself Suz?”

“No boss. I’m sorry.”

Am I a whiner right now? They all look at me oddly when I cannot focus upon mundane tasks because my brain is constantly thinking of philosophical questions without answers. 

Even when Suz thought she wasn’t moving fast enough, she was. The looks she received seemed to be mostly admiration, envy, or nothing deep at all. Suz seemed to think everyone wasn’t on her side until they proved otherwise though. A skeptic of most; a lover of a few worthwhile.

I can’t wait to get out of here. Anything is better than having my hands burning in hot filth dish water. She thinks.

“Good job today.” Her boss said with half the meaning behind it.

“Thanks.” Suz attempted to reply genuinely to the disingenuous tone.

The smell of fresh air ignited her senses like a match to a gas stove. She always would stroll into a nearby park, escaping the busy streets and reminiscing about the way the corn fields smelled. The sounds of birds chirping in the morning and the crickets at night. It all gave her a kind of peace, nothing or nobody could. The park was an escape, her drug compared to everyone else’s usually toxic choice.

“Suz! Suz!” A familiar voice yelled, disturbing her peace.

“I thought that was you!”

“Oh hello Ciera! It has been a long time! How are you?” Suz asked, hoping she wouldn’t ask her too much.

“Same old. Going to college. Parents paid up my apartment for a few months, so just catching up on studies. They seem to think I should have a 3.5 but this was their idea to send me here. I’m just going through the motions to appease them for now. Haha.” Ciera admits.

“Well I guess that’s better than not being in school.”

“I suppose. I’d rather be out working sometimes, but I know they’d give up on me if I dropped out. So feels like I have no choice.” Ciera said while looking depressed.

“You could trade lives with me? Haha! Want to wash dishes and try to go to college? I feel like a crane lifted me and kept dropping me up and down all day. I’ve change in my car, slept on benches, carried 10 hours of classes worth of books. And I don’t even have if it’ll be worth the investment? Haha! All I can do is hope. And hope sometimes isn’t enough.”

“That’s definitely deep Suz. I’m sorry I forgot how much you’ve been the recently, with the hospital and all? I don’t want to upset you by mentioning it but I was worried. Look if you ever need anything, like a night out.. it’s on me. Well, my parents really. Haha! That sounds horrible but I sometimes forget how well I have it. It’d definitely make me feel less selfish to do something nice for someone else. Plus, I can tell you need it more than me.”

“I truthfully don’t know what I need. I don’t think anyone can give me what I need either. I just want to get to a point where I can give and give. It’s so much better for those in this world who have more to give. They have a choice; give or be self absorbed. It is actually quite a powerful one. I hope I can get there someday and be a positive influence. I don’t think anyone can help me but myself Ciera. But, thank you. If anything I need quiet nights. I have a world to compete with. And I’ve taken some steps backwards then forwards, then backwards again.”

“Gotta make up for lost time. I understand. Been there. My parents helped me so much out of troubles, I can’t imagine facing the world without them.” Ciera admits.

“We all have to eventually. We all become similar in the end. All that is known disappears and we must stand alone with what strength we have left. Your parents just want to see you stand, not lie down. Take it as a good thing. Some of us have felt like we walked through life alone since the day we were born.” Suz says with a strange accepting-like tone.

“Never thought of it that way. You really do put things into perspective. What I’ve always adored about you as a friend. You’re a rare friend Suz. Thank for that. I have to run to class or I’d stay.”

“It’s okay. I need to walk off work stress and study myself. I hope I run into you again.”

“I’m sure we will. Bye Suz. I’ve missed your face.”

“Yours as well. Bye.”

 

 

Miss Revived Part 5

“Well we’re done with the park and it’s getting late. What now? Should we find a random pub? Have a couple for old times sake? You really haven’t had a couple in peace. Our first excursion wasn’t the best, thanks to your old friend. Heh.” Cheryl said with a concerned voice.

They enter a local pub around the corner. Mostly full of middle aged workers, having one after a long day. It felt out of place but in a good way to Suz. She wanted to challenge her overwhelming fear of uncomfortable situations.

“You look like you need to talk, so shoot!”

“Truthfully Cheryl, I don’t think people understand me right now. I felt like I was under a microscope for years now by someone. I didn’t leave the house. You know why. You know my situation after situation the past few years was like. Like an A&E crime show episode. Except I statistically should be dead. I’m like the survivor who shouldn’t exist. There aren’t many of us to this degree. I don’t expect people to not think I am crazy. I act like an agoraphobic, bipolar,  empty vessel right now.” Suz admits with shame in her voice.

“But you are aware and awake somehow. You are fighting internally for your own identity back. Maybe I know more about it than you think, thanks to my mother. I’m sure just like she did, you still hear his voice and everything he said to demean you over and over. Like a drunk at a jukebox, playing the same song over and over. Except, it’s in your head and no one even hears it or knows. And if you told them, you’d be labeled schizo by ignorant people who aren’t psychiatrists. I know. It’s a common issue after extremely controlling relationships actually.”

“It feels like someone beat words into my head to the point where I could only think about myself in the manipulated way they wanted me to. All for control. All because of either fear or envy. Why not just love? Why is love not good enough for some people Cheryl?”

“Suz, I don’t know. But I do know it’s something inside of themselves that desires more. The ego drives a lot of beings in this world. That’s why it seems so dark. I feel humanity has to reconnect with certain things to salvage their empathy for not just one another but this physical planet and everything upon it. You bring that kind of light to this world. Even when you feel dark. That’s intense for those who are halfway there from your kind of transcendence.”

“You outdid your last compliment. I need to hang around you more. I’m really not used to this at all. Being complemented, being able to socialize, get into the car without the feeling of wrongdoing. I wish I could embrace it all better and not seem unappreciative. But I’ve forgotten what it feels like to receive real help and love. I want to remember right now, but I know time is the only thing that can help.”

“Indeed it is. You have to reconnect with yourself. Stop worrying about everyone else. You’ve done that enough to lift others up, but what have you done for yourself Suz? I say you draw a bath when you get home. Watch something you like for a change. Do something for yourself. One day at a time.”

“Sounds good to me. I don’t remember the last time I did anything for myself. You’re right but I still feel selfish.”

“Rid of the shame. Your heart will beat better without it. And go watch some Gabor Mate. Find anything or any voice that contradicts his annoying, looming one inside your head. Think of it like reprogramming. I’ll see you tomorrow or the next day. Soon. Take care of yourself tonight, Suz.”

“I will.”

That night Suz ran a bath, polished her nails, watched all the things people around her didn’t show interest in. She was self indulgent. Noticing every scar upon her body, remembering what happened while washing it away.

How could I have let this body suffer so much?! All those who came before me to bring me to this  moment of time. I owe myself and them more. She thought.