The Dimensions/ Part 4

She holds Alvin until he falls asleep and thinks about how he could possibly know John’s name. John is another space and time.

She starts thinking she might be in some kind of coma. Perhaps, she was driving and hit her head somehow in an accident. She pinches herself, but it feels so real. She looks in the mirror, tempted to even put a needle in her eye to prove nothing is real but of course pansies out. She laughs at herself. There is nothing more she can do.

Edward knocks on the bathroom door. “Are you okay hunny?”

“Yes, I am fine. I’ll be into bed in a minute my love!” she says.

She takes a hard look at herself and heads to bed.

She is startled by Alvin tugging on her nightgown. It is morning.

“Mommy, I have to  catch the bus!”

“Okay, Okay!” She rushes to the fridge and pulls out a pre-made lunch.

“Thanks, Mom!”

Edward left to work as always. Peaceful as a a dove. He always kisses her goodbye, and she never wakes somehow.

She spends time in the garden, making sure the crops are tended to and watered. She weeds and plants straight row like Edwards asked this year. Everything is organized is a particular fashion. She has come accustomed to this kind of old lifestyle. In fact, sort of enriched by it. But she always feels a guilt because it seems like she left a family behind in the future. Reality seems to be nothing more than something she has to figure out inside her own mind.

She cooks a splendid meal, full of love. She doesn’t know what else to do but trust her instincts that there could be nothing wrong in right-doing. Edwards adores her. Alvin adores her. And everything seems perfect until the night comes and dreams collide with reality to from nightmares.

Alvin and she are repeatedly awakened by nightmares of the past, as if there is something they have left behind. As if, someone is reaching out to them in a past or future life.  Maybe it is from another dimension. Who knows? But the message is clear and stored in the memory after the mind is awake. That is, highly unusual. And extremely emotional to deal with.

She holds Alvin as he tremors in his sleep. He speaks softly. He runs from something. She stills awake and it is three in the morning. She doesn’t care. Anything to make him feel okay. She brushes his hair, and he becomes quiet.

My Thoughts on Chris Cornell’s Death

Although many are already concluding his death was a suicide, suicide in my eyes is an intentional act to harm oneself and I believe there is more to Chris Cornell’s death. Some questions need to be asked about pharmaceuticals being safe enough to be on the market already. I understand there are procedures and policies in place, but I think the standards need to be raised. More research needs to be done before these drugs are spun off into the public’s hands in my opinion. We have yet to truly understand the human brain, so how can it be possible to treat ailments we know nothing about? It is not possible and it is just a guessing game. But why? More funding needs to be put towards research. Less lives would be lost and not subject to this sort of socially engineered guinea pig construction.

Chris Cornell had taken Ativan before his death. An anti anxiety drug. I can only speculate if he had taken too much or perhaps mixed it with alcohol.  My question is: If alcohol is legal, and even a sip of it combined with certain medications (especially anxiety medications) can be lethal, then why are these being prescribed so often? Think about how many people consume alcohol and might have a medication that could interact with it, unknowingly or knowingly? I bet if a study was done on this in detail, it would be alarming.  What if it was not intentional that he harmed himself?  What if he was completely blacked out? How much alcohol was consumed (if any) and mgs of ativan in his system? Would just an overdose of Ativan cause suicidal thought and/or tendencies? This might be an uncomfortable subject for some out there, but this has to be addressed at the possible root causes? I do not simply believe a man with a beautiful wife and two beautiful children, suddenly has a downward spiral in one night and chemistry has absolutely nothing to do with it? Even if it was his own hand that put on the band, was it his own will? Think about the question. It might be troubling but we need to research and develop lower risk treatments so people do not end up tragedies. There are too many brilliant minds that now have no voice, who just wanted help.

That’s It.

That’s it

I’m up to here

Now I’m gonna spit to so straight

You’re gonna bleed from your ears..

Mother f**ker, I ain’t broke that’s a joke..

I gave away everything to everyone and spoke…

so little about it…

I’m bathed in fear now

No one near now…

But when I feel okay to step to public sphere, ya

everyone will run with their fears, ya…

cuz I have been waiting for years…

and all tha bickering coming from you

you think I don’t hear…

It seems like it’s a mile away

but it’s s been really quite clear…

tends to smolder my mind with hatred

encapsulate it in fear…

and my name is going to appear…

on every billboard from Broadway to Sunset…

so you walk away

as if you have your heart set…

as if you played no role in my mother fn descent

when you were never worth a cent

And now you must repent…

Or be left behind

to the daily grind…

having suckas now tell you,

you’re broke all tha time…

Ya, So that’s it

You’re gonna hear it

the big voice you didn’t want to hear spit

Yup, that’s right you’re gonna hear it

tha big voice in your ears is gonna spit

Cuz’ there’s no point to walking up to a stage

in a maze, trying to complete a phrase

and everyone’s eyes just look away

You see I’ve known that my minds blown

but I want those eyes on me

drawn to me

Feel the sweat and pain I put into these…

rhymes…

cuz’ it was never about tha time spent

it was always just a way for me to vent…

All this crippling air around me….

And I don’t expect anyone to know me

I don’t expect anyone to see what I deal inside of me

When they can’t even be kind to themselves…

 

Ya, that’s it

I’m up in here…

gonna drench you in your own fear

you gaslighting King of Kings…

Your fake talkin’,

fake playing your stings…

in my ears

for years

And I’m sure you have a list of others

still trying to drown it out…

Cuz’ motherf**ker I am ain’t broke..

you made me dope…

Thanks for all the confusion and black smoke…

Cuz’ I’d rather be broke and own everything I have

Then have to cloak,

when the collectors start calling cuz’ your ass over-spoke…

Oh, now who’ll be the victim?

Who’ll be running to me when I should show you lead?

But I bleed, with my mind unable to sleep in my bed….

That’s it

I’m up to here

Now I’m gonna spit to so straight

You’re gonna bleed from your ears..

Mother f**ker, I ain’t broke that’s a joke..

I gave away everything to everyone and spoke…

so little about it…

Bring Them Alive

I have to bring them alive and out of my head…

Or they will never truly be alive

And could end up dead..

A tragic waste, someone should have read…

Stored all inside my defiant head…

 

And I’m losing sleep as the words pull me out of bed…

waking me from my dreams to live in reality instead…

Oh I have to be alive and out of my head…

Oh why, she first cried, wanting to slumber instead…

Like a forgotten fragment time had led…

to a narrow path in the woods

instead of what Frost had said….

And now she still sits peacefully at the dead end..

The stillness comforts her, as she tries to mend….

Her feet from all the pathways she tried to bend…

Just to find something, she had in her head…

Just to find a way she could have led…

herself away from this place…

And into what she thought was reality instead…

But turns out to be a figment of her imagination

And in time she finds the soul is just intertwined…

Particles of space and time…

 

And she tried to climb the ladder,

blinded by the thought of it all being gone

Instead of just trying to remain strong

Holding herself up, while trying not to pull anyone else along…

in her already weighted down mind….

 

 

Oh, I have to bring them alive and out of my head…

Or they will never truly be alive

And could end up dead..

A beautiful waste that should have been read

A beautiful song, that should have been played..

Outside of my head.

 

 

Fear Soaked Sunshine

Fear soaked

Sunshine..

everyone is blind…

walking in the clouds all the time…

Only adoring those who will bind..

to their bulls***

never saying a single line

They thought of themselves…

Just sprouting off some words they think are lit..

That I’d rather put a match to…

Oh, fear soaked sunshine…

How sad you don’t see it’s not mine

I only hold my sunshine in my own back pocket…

around my neck in a locket…

Safely tucked away so you can’t spark it…

And safely inside my head so you can’t mark it..

as your own…

Cuz’ deep in my bones, I know you’re just a clone…

Deep in my bones, I know I am truly alone…

Deep in my bones, I want to to fly away from home…

And get away from the bull****

 

The fear soaked sunshine,

could be all mine

But I’d rather be left alone.

 

Invisible Cloak Date

She had never done something like this before. She just met him online through her blog, but she was instantly smitten. If her parents knew the horrific hotel she would be staying in and it’s history, they would have never let her go. So of course, she kept this hidden and convinced herself of the typical cliche “you only live once.” Deep down, she knew something could go wrong, but the thought gave her some kinda of adrenaline boost, having never done anything quite like this before.

He was tall, dark, and handsome. The kind of guy girls would chase after. (Especially if they knew what he did for a living.) She felt special knowing so much about him in such a short amount of time. He trusted her instantly, as she did him. Her heart could not bare anymore of the dating scene, and she wanted a man of his caliber.

He first told her he was a secret agent of some kind after a week. Persuaded her to never tell anyone for his own safety.   And of course, she had no friends, was sensitive, and naive. No one was around her much and she was kinda eccentric. She had a blog, liked strange music, and didn’t leave the house much at all. She was already isolated and loathing for a new life and family. He felt this from thousands of miles away.

She mentioned Harry Potter, and he mentioned having a invisible cloak. He bragged about how it made him feel invincible, superhuman, and able to scare people. This all seemed harmless to her at the time, intriguing, none the less. She imagined playing invisible tag with him, as he said he actually had two of them. There was no way she could pass up a date with a special agent.

With her bags packed, she hopped the plane, headed to California. The air was dense when she arrived, smog everywhere, but the palm trees were worth it. She couldn’t wait to check into the hotel, meet her future husband, and start sharing their unforgettable moments together. The hotel was less than inviting though. It was outdated, forgettable, and had the smell of must in the air. The hallways felt like they were closing in on you. Her money did not go far obviously. To her this was quite the expensive trip. Out there, her coin was a drop in the bucket.

She put on her eyeliner thick, straightened her hair, and made sure he would be impressed. It made up for the drably hotel room. He arrived within a few hours, with a bottle of champagne and flowers. He looked exactly like she imagined and was worth the risk. They popped the cork, began talking about life, and falling further into fascination with one another. He is convinced, this could be it. This could be the woman he waited for his whole life, in this drably hotel room ironically. They kissed for hours like teenagers in an alternate reality, when they were younger.

At some point, they began to talk about stars, how beautiful they were at night. He curled up the blanket and convinced her to go lie on the roof with him. It was the best idea anyone ever had for a first date, how could she deny him?

It was beautiful. His eyes, her eyes. His lips, her lips. All of it would not last forever. They both would never look the same as they did in that exact moment so they both treasured every second as if it was their last.

He said, “You know, I always felt invisible until now with you.”

She said, “I’ll be invisible with you forever.”

He wrapped the cloak around her, and she wrapped the cloak around him. They made love under the twilight, invisible to the world together.

The Swagger of Ten Thousand Men

He came along in an instant

He had the swagger of ten thousand men,

but he was really a freight train

ready to plow over anyone he couldn’t command….

He said he bought you flowers,

when really it was months ago

and now their bent somewhere in  a garbage dump

and don’t even matter to you anymore…

 

Cuz’ all the flowers in the world

couldn’t bring back the potential good days…

all the flowers in the world..

couldn’t have freed me from the maze…

you created inside my mind…

 

He came alone in an instant…

He had the face an angel could love

but it was really just a painted on mask…

disguising all the hate he burrowed and called love….

He said he’d be the best thing you would ever have….

But as he left, the sun rose up in the clouds…

And you could sleep peacefully for hours….

 

Cuz’ all the sleepless nights

Can’t bring back sleeping throughout the day…

all the sleepless nights

Couldn’t have freed you from being drained…

by his somber presence…

Felt miles away..

So somber, even the doves flew away…