Staring Blankly Into My Coffee

She stares blankly into her coffee, rotating the spoon, trying to reach the bottom of the cup.

I’m done trying to reach the bottom. I don’t want to end up like Nietzsche. She thinks.

The sun peaks in. Her eyes no longer hurt from crying, trying to stare at it without pain. Skin has already regained it’s color. Hair feels softer, healthier. Her mind working on overdrive, trying to make up for lost time. Her heart is too sad to hold onto anger. Some people really just hate themselves. There’s no way to help sometimes. They just die inside your mind.

The world looks terrible and beautiful at the same time now. No sense to be made out of it anymore. Just to create, build, and take care of herself. Just live, breathe, rest, and stay away from all the noise. She always wanted to stop the noise in other people’s lives, though. How silly? How silly I was?!

It feels weird now, thinking about herself. Neglect was normal in her life. Sometimes it was necessary, to try to save the lost souls around her. Sometimes it was just an impulsive, self destructive act on her part. It felt like she jumped into the flames, before anyone even asked.

Why did I just jump? Have I forgotten my own value? I think so. But the fear I have of overconfidence and narcissism, could also explain why I choose to be the polar opposite. But to be the opposite, is to attract the person who needs you as a supply. I just cannot win. But can I? Did I? I am still myself, maybe weakened for now. But I realize I was deceived. There is no shame now. I loved, you lost. It was inevitable. It was all your game, but I ended up throwing the board in the end. Why did you make me have to chose, to either love myself or you? Because all you wanted was someone to fill a void, only you could fill yourself. She thinks, then rotates the spoon in her coffee one more time, watching the clouds roll in.

Maybe I’ll just stand in the rain for a while. Cleanse all of the toxic projections and deflections out of my mind, put there by those who can’t even love themselves. It’s time to take care of myself, and surround myself with beautiful minds. 

 

Mr. Image to Maintain

It’s no surprise you were full of lies

Now everyone is talking,

Like I created my own demise

I know the truth

My tears come from being wise

It was a long time coming

When your double standards arised,

Don’t talk to him, “this is mine”

Then act like you don’t know me

When a random chick is at your side

Buddy, how old are you?

Full of hatred, all disguised

Have to keep up your image

Can’t put that ego aside?

I stood my ground

While you antagonized

Months in the making,

Diminishing my pride

Then trying to make up for it

Buying presents just to hide

The fact you really hate yourself

Go ahead drink apart your insides

head is clear now that I went away

Heart is cold towards you now

But everyone else can stay

Until they give me a reason

To become a castaway

I’d prefer it if you made yourself an island

So you can just go away

Left me physically broken and mentally scarred

I hope the next girl you meet and repeat with

Puts you behind bars.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recovery

 

PicsArt_05-27-12.26.44So many sleepless nights

Causing an aftermath

So many moments passed

Trying to save myself in the past

So many people telling me how to feel

So many people telling me the pain wasn’t real

So I dug really deep into my mind

Drove myself crazy

But I see now, they were blind

Now it feels good, I can live with some pride.

_____________________________________

Four more days until I can start weight bearing on my foot. I spent years of my life, trying to figure out why my feet hurt so much. At some point, I thought  it was in my head. Or maybe I tried to convince myself it was. Turns out, I had a rare bone condition that could be fixed. All I can say, is when you find the right doctor, stick with them. It is so difficult to find someone who is observant, empathetic, listens, and have up to date knowledge. Listen to your body and if something is wrong, be persistent in figuring out why. You had one body, don’t give up when it feels like no one will listen. The right doctor will eventually come around and change your hopelessness into hopefulness. Thanks for reading.

 

 

Miss Magic XIV (14)

They return back to Olivia’s place. It still smells of bacon and eggs somehow, due to a lack of ventilation.  Jackie, of course, offered to buy her some air purifiers, but Olivia declined. She also knows it’s more about Jackie sometimes than it is about her. Olivia knows she does not mean to make her feel as if she lives in squalor, but it doesn’t make her feel all warm inside. Their worlds collide at times, but somehow end up in orbit together.

“Uhhhh so Olivia…Do you think you could guess lottery numbers? Do you think you   could brush your hand against a ticket, and write down the numbers in your head? I mean this power you have, cannot just be limited to cards?” Jackie asks, with a grin.

“True. That seems logical to me. I’d hate to draw too much attention to myself,   winning the powerball though Jackie? Remember? We discussed laying low. That would be the total opposite. When you win the powerball, everyone wants something from you as well. Your life changes. Haven’t you watched any of those shows about it?”

“Can’t say I have. You could anonymously accept it, right? I mean just one time could make all the difference. If I were you, I’d wait until it’s a ton of money, buy a ticket, and accept the attention that comes with it.” Jackie suggests.

“I’m just not that kind of person, Jackie. I like being private and unknown.”

“Maybe that’s the issue with you. I’m not trying to sound rude, but how much time have you spent being alone? How many times have people overlooked you, when you’re actually quite an interesting person. Olivia, you build walls because you’re afraid. You’re afraid of people. I understand though.” Jackie says with genuine empathy.

“It’s just… that I’ve been through a lot. Everytime I put myself out there, people take advantage. And I have so little to begin with, it’s quite the blow. I don’t know who to trust, and who to not.” Olivia admits. “My perception of others is off. It’s like I can’t see anyone for who they truly are.”

“Maybe that’s because they’re just as afraid as you, and wear masks? You’re afraid, yes, but you still live life as yourself. That takes courage. Olivia, you’re different than most. You deep down inside, know this, yet expect most people to understand? They won’t. You face yourself when you’re wrong, when most avoid it. Being recognized could open doors for you, because of who you are.” Jackie says, tearing up a bit.

“It’s a scary thought, indeed. Let alone to live. People will bother me for money, and not care about me at all. I know I will get hurt.” Olivia exclaims.

“There is no way to avoid pain, Olivia. No way. You can hide out, you can tell yourself it is not raining, and that no one will ever hurt you again. But it’s all a lie. You have two choices: live in a dream or face reality. Face the world with all you can.”

“You’re the best friend I could ever ask for.” Jackie says.

“Thanks Olivia.”

Miss Voiceless Part Two

Without someone controlling her now, freedom was pleasantly overwhelming. The avenues in life she could take were open, but few had all the following: money, happiness, and personal skills. It seemed as if everything that would make her content, would leave her underpaid. It was difficult for her to find a balance in the occupational world. She knew this. But was determined to not make brash decisions, that lacked long term financial practicality.

Previous decisions left her lost but built her character. She worked all different places, with all kinds of people, and handled all kinds of situations. She felt her experiences were ususual, and finding her dream job was a needle in a haystack. It wasn’t a decision to be taken lightly, either.

The thought of being a “master” at something was honorable and intimidating. There was no way to just pick a major, with no passion in regards to it. Too often she saw people choose the easiest to get into program, express they did it solely for the money, or felt pressured by some outside force. She thought: how can you go into a field devoted to helping others, and not be genuine about your intentions? 

These kinds of people really went under her skin. (They also influence others to behave in similar disingenuous ways, which ultimately puts distrust in the service they provide). If someone is passionate, they’ll have more pride in maintaining an effective approach to others. She didn’t want to add to these people, so research and patience with herself played a role. This was difficult, since time costs money. Sacrifice had to be made, ramen noodle cups had to be bought, and luxuries few and far inbetween.

Nothing was going to be easy in this economy. She knew it. Nothing was the same as it was when her parents reached adulthood. It wasn’t as easy as picking yourself up by your bootstraps. Especially if you didn’t come from much to begin with. Especially if you came from the trailers, Kmart bikes, and second hand clothes kind of lifestyle. Then finding yourself becoming friends with the kid accross town who has a college fund and a power wheels. But some of the unappreciative children, would grow up to be mundane, regardless.

At least I built character. At least I can still care in the end, after everything I have been through. It’s so easy to give up yourself and other people. Too bad those who are actually empathetic, oftentimes are misunderstood. Too bad those who are disingenuous, oftentimes hide behind fallac smiles. I will not settle for becoming one of them. This chapter of my life will not just be for me, but for others who have struggled as well. 

Love Rant

I am tired of cliche sayings about love. Haha. No…trust is not given automatically. Do you trust a random person at a supermarket to save your life? No. Do you walk up to people and just say: I trust you stranger, here are the keys to my house? No. So why do people think in relationships, trust is not earned? Realistically, you give some trust when you form any relationship. But is it fair to yourself, to give the person all your trust? This is where my perspective differs than most. I’d say it’s not fair to yourself. Relationships are built; not created from thin air. We all walk around with these unrealistic expectations of love from the beginning. Maybe if people thought of trust differently, as earned, relationships would actually last. Actions speak louder than words. Simple. If your actions made your partner uncomfortable, you either work it out or not. If you walk away from conversation, good luck with any trust building with anyone. If you act like your partners concerns are not valid; you are the issue. If you can’t talk to them without raising your voice: you are the problem. You are the kind of person who expects trust and depreciates it at the same time. Don’t expect to have trust if you can’t maintain it. Don’t expect everything from someone, if you don’t value their feelings, perspective, opinions, and boundaries. Someone who actually loves another person, would listen. They wouldn’t make the person afraid to speak up. They wouldn’t watch you lose sleep, look sad, and fret over some drama they refuse to address. When you actually care, you want to talk things out. Period. You want to know why relationships fail? Communication. More specifically, the avoidance of it, withholding of the truth, and overreacting when it finally builds up. People want to be “happy” and equate this to meaning no bumps in the road at all. They are quick to run away like cowards, rather than put the work into that person. When you start to devalue, compare, and put down your partner: you’re the coward. You cannot admit you are in a cycle of relationships, and the cause could partially be you. Do you want to continue a cycle, blaming everyone else, and not listening to anyone’s grievances? Or do you want to see where you could have been a good person, and be that way? The worst thing to do to someone who loves you is to not listen to their feelings. No money, no gifts, nothing can make them feel better. Maybe they wanted respect, boundaries, communication, and affection. It’s that simple and sometimes people overcomplicate relationships. So before you go tossing away someone like their trash, lining up your next option like their unaware, and overreacting: think if you actually tried to effectively communicate. You could be throwing away someone worth fighting for, for another cycle partially caused by yourself. And maybe there would be less unnecessary heartbreak, if people actually put the effort needed into a relationship.

Miss Voiceless Part One

She runs frantically through the aisles, not noticing how frantic she appears to other people. He will probably be waiting for her when she gets back. A shame, since she hardly ever leaves the apartment. A fight will of course ensue; a raging battle, where all her fears come to life. She went to the store: a betrayal of trust in his delusional eyes. This made her stay at home mostly to avoid an argument. She tried everything to avoid an argument.

There was nothing normal about it. She clung to her pillow at night, silently crying, and hoping her would not hear a sound. He hated when she cried. He hated when she laughed, too!  He looked upon her as if she was auctioned off to him, and had no right to feelings. He wanted to control her, not love her. He wanted to brand her emotionally, to keep her in her place. Like a little doll who never spoke.

His words stayed with her most days. He’d leave to work and sometimes without ever saying goodbye. Other times, yelling at her before he left. She tried her best to keep things up, but he never paid attention. It was the one pair of pants she didn’t wash, the natural wearing of utensils, the way she cleaned up after his laziness, etc. Nothing done was seen and all he could see was the negative perception he wanted to.

This was an emotional death trap he started.  She felt never good enough as a result. She neglected herself as a result. She pondered all about his other options, because she felt like one. The opposite of real love; to treat someone as if they are replaceable. But deep down, he was the one truly hurting, but taking that pain out on her.

Fueled by a narcissistic culture, he praised the weak and was disgusted by the strong. He embraced a misogynistic perspective without being aware of it. His echochamber of madness, affected everything and everyone around him. He influenced others, and to her she felt like it was the 1950’s again for women in some ways.

Although she did not mind some aspects of the 50’s culture, she felt some modern men ideally want a woman who: pays half the bills, takes care of any children, takes care of the house, and cooks. This perspective was unfair in her eyes.

Are most men like this deep down inside? Do some clean and cook alongside their partner? I think it’s rare in my own experiences, but I don’t know about anyone else’s experiences. All I know is teamwork is the best method. No one becomes exhausted that way. 

And that was the truth. He initially exhausted her. When she had a job, he wasn’t considerate. He didn’t care if she got any sleep, cleaned without his help, cooked a full meal and did dishes until midnight. He didn’t care she could lose everything if he couldn’t chip in once on awhile. It wasn’t about building something together, but rather what he could build out of her.

It disgusted her. The way he put so much effort into appearing a certain way. He cared so much about his car, his hair, his smile, his money, and his material possessions. He spoke ill of others who did not embrace his same sentiment. He treated people like dollar signs, not humans. Those who had less, made less money, or were in unfortunate situations, did not have his sympathy. He blamed the poor for being poor, and praised the rich for being rich.

She felt like one of them to him: a poor disappointment. She thought if she had more money, he might actually love her. The thought sometimes made her resent herself, then oftentimes him as well.

Even when I almost had it all, he didn’t even notice anything but himself. She thought.

Now more than ever she had seen the situation for what it was: dehumanizing. As she pulled off each petal of a flower, she imagined letting the past go. It had been months, and his insults still were part of her thought processes. She knew it wasn’t going to be as simple to rewire her brain, as it was to pull pedals off of flowers. But she was one of the ones who woke up, rather than lived in a slumber. And those kinds of people have stories to tell, and voices to be heard.