The Stones-Part One

She was a sweet girl. The kind that would love anyone not even worthy. She was loving at some point, but in a dangerous manner. Which resulted in her being preyed upon in her younger years by some of the worst of vultures. An easy target once with her lack of understanding of the world; but now thats changed.

The world has become painfully real. She observes behavior for what it is. That is what is killing her inside now and she knows it. So many vultures in the world, that she aches for a rest. Moments where she could just close her eyes and catch up to the present, by facing a brutal past. She never felt like she had rest. And one night, her need for rest came, but in the strangest of forms.

“Come here.” A voice whispered.

But there was no one there at first. She kept ignoring these voices for months. Thought it was just her depression going through a cycle. Perhaps worsening then later improving. Until he appeared one terrifying day. A man without a face and bag of stones. He left her two stones with eyes painted upon them. She screamed, like any normal person would have.

“Go away! Go away!”

Her mother rushes towards her, shocked at what she is witnessing. Her daughter, cowered in the corner, as if death was upon her.

“Do you see it? That thing with the bag of stones? Do you..?!”

“There’s nothing here. It’s alright… it’s.. hunny!” She calls the father.

“Yes?! What is..”

“Call 911, grab my jacket…our daughter is in trouble! Quickly!”

“But mom, I don’t want to go anywhere. What are they going to do to me?”

“I will be right there with you. Nothing is going to happen to you. We just need to figure out what is going on hunny.”

The ambulance is flying to the hospital as if she has just been in an accident. Her mother is more nervous than she. The empty face man is staring at her in the corner of the ambulance. Just staring, freaking her out silently. She’s afraid to tell her mother how long they have had this secret staring contest. Sometimes she would wake up to him levitating above her.

She knows it must be scary for people who can’t see what she sees. It feels like she is nothing but a burden, with a broken mind. That her alive inside too.

“Almost there hunny. Hang tight.”

“He’s sitting there. He’s calm now.”

“Okay. Good.” Her mom responds, realizing her daughter might have a long term relationship with this thing.

Of course they order scans of her brain, to rule out any possible tumors or other abnormalities. It all comes back negative. The faceless man still finds corners to just sit and stare at her in the meantime. Smiling, still carrying his creepy stones.

Is he admiring me? She thinks. Does he hate me and want me to torture me? I’m so confused. Is this some kind of symbolic breakdown? Is he all the messed up people I have loved? What is he to me? 

All these IV’s are being started again admidst this chaotic mess inside her head. Everytime she is poked with a needle, the faceless man smiles. He seems to enjoy watching her suffer.

What a sick thing?!  She thinks.

Her mother and everyone in the room is looking upon her as if she is some kind of experiment gone wrong. It only adds to the stress, but she doesn’t blame them. This is like living in an alternate reality, only certain people have experienced. She doesn’t even think the devil deserves it, as she watches her tears fall, and the faceless man grin some more.

 

You Won’t Meet the Past Again

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I hope you are happy now

I hope you can make it alone

Every woman that tried to love you

Is out in the rain, drenched to the bone

I hope the road is paved for you

Rather than as rocky as mine

I hope you find the perfect woman

Just don’t wrap her in twine

But I have a funny feeling

You won’t meet the past again

She was too sweet to go on

Playing your pretend

Cuz’ she wanted reality,

instead of the fallacy

created inside your head

To avoid seeing the hell she’d see

As she cried in bed

Feeling used and abused

As the next option, you fed

All the lies about her to

Giving others the lead

But I hope you remember how much you hated yourself

before anyone else

Even tried to love you

I hope you remember someday

When her face finally turns blue

How much she tried to give to you…

When she had nothing

Nothing at all

As you helped orchestrate her undeserved fall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To the Narcissist Who Never Really Existed

I feel like I’m left with the realization I loved a made up person. It’s sad, but the version of yourself in your head doesn’t exist. You love bombed me. You bought me things I could never afford, knowing it would mean the world to me. You called me your wife, flaunted me around, took me places, and made me feel alive. But I realize now, it was all about you. It was all about you looking awesome with an attractive woman you objectified behind the scenes. And when you bought me clothes, it was because you didn’t like my funky style. You wanted me to dress like a banana republic commercial. Before my surgery, it was all about you being able to play video games ten hours a day, without helping me with anything. And when I had surgery, you left me alone more than ever before when I needed you the most. But no one would think so, because you played the savior role so well. I called myself ungrateful a lot of the time, but I knew you never truly cared, and that’s what hurt the most. You were incapable of love. It wasn’t my fault. It is just the painful truth.

When you realized I started treating you differently to protect myself: you resented me more. You ignored my needs, belittled me often, would get drunk, and always try to push my buttons. I would always accept the blame for everything, but you said I never did. You also told me I lie about everything, when I had been more honest than you. You lied about past flings calling them friends, lied about them knowing about my existence, and lied about the dumbest crap until every word out of your mouth was empty. You painted me as jealous to other women and even embarrassed me by sending them texts about me. Rather than hearing me out, you let your own past experiences, paint me in an ugly manner. I couldn’t combat it all. I felt betrayed. And the more I caught wind of why the women in your past acted the way they did, I realized: you had no respect and empathy for women. You wanted to do as you pleased, while having a loyal woman at home. It doesn’t work that way. Sorry.

But I beat myself up for you, tried so hard to get my love back, as I was living with a ghost. You died inside my mind as I would drink to forget I was fooled. You fooled everyone too. At the concert we went to, you whispered for me to hold my urine when I was in a wheelchair. You wanted to go “mingle.” I felt sick after that and so alone. I felt like a replacable burden. I felt like an animal getting ready to sit in my own pee, because no one cared. You cared so much until you had to put effort back, right? I was so sad, and you didn’t even notice. All everyone saw was me looking “crazy,” just like you intended.

For months before surgery, I cleaned and cooked, trying to bring normalcy to a toxic environment. But you pulled me down with you. I played cheerleader until I was so drained I didn’t even want to see the sun.  So congratulations! You “won.” I couldn’t fight anymore at some point, nor should I of had to that much.

I remember the night I had enough. I remember seeing all these admirers I didn’t know. They were in awe of my courage and it gave me hope. Finally, I had hope. Hope was something you couldn’t embrace. And that’s when it hit me: hope was all that mattered to me. Having someone around to tell me to keep going, that I will walk again, better than ever. Having someone tell me I will be loved even if I needed surgery. Having someone who protected me from those who wanted to hurt me in my vulnerable state. I hope you will never know how I felt in such an emotionally and physically vulnerable state. I don’t wish it upon you. Even though I feel such anger for my unnecessary suffering, no human being deserves to be conditionally loved. We all will face health issues at some point, so I hope you find someone who will love you so much, that no obstacle could ever get inbetween the bond you have. I hope you learn how to love someday before it’s too late. ❤️

Can’t Believe You

I can’t believe you, playing victim to

Every chick that’s into you

Most be nice to fool,

everyone into thinking you’re cool

But this ain’t preschool

setting some ground rules

Dare to cross the boundaries I set

You best better bet

You will wake up, always in a cold sweat

Cuz I’m the lady you go to war with, not against

By the way, you sleeping without any rest?

Hope your brain can’t make sense

Then they ask you questions to test your intellect

Like you did to me when I was under enough of your distress

you are full of nonsense

Bringing in all the evil into this world, hellbent

On breaking the luminous spirits, that are sent

To protect your victims

To protect your victims

Better repent to yourself..

 

One mistake

And your fate

Will be trapped inside four walls

And every woman safe

So come and find me

I’ll put an end to your misery…

Watch them put the cuffs on

While I’m proud to be me…

 

I can’t believe you, playing a victim to

Everyone who will listen

but they ain’t hearing you

I hope you realize, you’re a tool

They act like they care, then talk crap about you

The kind of people who need a new world view

But take every chance to misconstrue

Every aspect of themselves

to look like an angel

Then run like hell when the devil sits at their table…

Acting like they’re better, for creating a fable

Groups like this, are really unstable

Y’all need to sit in a corner until you’re able

To stop projecting your crap on each other, like enablers

And anyone who cares, has to turn the tables..

But I might just tip the thing over when I’m able

Keep poking the lion, find out if she’s capable?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It Will Hit You

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It will hit you

all of the love

I showed to you when I had nothing left

As you said I would never be enough

I bet if I had won the lottery

A lot of people would still be at my side

Some people use you up

And when there’s nothing left:

Act like you never tried

But the truth is,

You’ll never know the pain I hide

I can only relate to those cast aside

So don’t mislabel me with a kind of arrogant pride

If anything I point out my own flaws and reflect inside…

 

So many flying monkeys everywhere

So many flying monkeys and I don’t care

Go take your antics elsewhere

They won’t scare me, hear?

Cuz’ I’ve already had my name dragged through the mud

Been betrayed by the only person I truly loved

This wasn’t a game to me

I told you I would rise above

Now you can all watch from the sidelines

Try to live your life without love..

 

It will hit you

All of the sadness

You caused me to try to shift blame

for all of your madness

No, it wasn’t up to me to cure your home filled with blackness

You let the monkeys in

So it’s only you who can combat this

But go on, continue the game

You’re all starting to look one in the same

Think you’re winning

but behind your back

All your “friends” call you insane

Then if you confront them

They shift shame

Sometimes turn into amnesiacs

But I’ll counterattack

You can’t exhaust someone who has been off a beaten path

Better be ready, count your money

It won’t last

 

So many flying monkeys everywhere

So many flying monkeys and I don’t care

Go take your antics elsewhere

They won’t scare me, ya hear?

Cuz’ I’ve already had my name dragged through the mud

Been betrayed by the only person I truly loved

This wasn’t a game to me

I told you I would rise above

Now you can all watch from the sidelines

Try to live your life without love..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Miss Magic Part 15

“So are you ready for this Olivia?” Jackie asks with a serious but at the same time goofy grin upon her face.

“I am never going to be ready Jackie. That’s the problem. If I just sit here and think about preparing to be ready, then nothing will happen. I am just going to have to endure the aftermath of my decisions.”

“Let’s just go buy the lottery ticket already. I am actually getting antsy. I know you aren’t looking forward to it, but I sure am. It’s like watching the Truman show, except everyone else has no idea you are the one pulling the strings. And perhaps creating the narrative at times.” Jackie says with a hint of excitement.

“Alright. Let’s get this over this. I may become so nervous, it won’t happen tonight.”

As they arrived at the gas station, Olivia’s hands were already shaking with anxiety. She knew there was no turning back now. She was there, Jackie was with her for support, and it felt like it was too late to back down. Not only would she be disappointed in herself, but Jackie would be as well. This was her chance. This was the chance she only dreamed of, that finally could be a reality.

“Let’s do this.” Olivia said with a little bit of influence from Jackie in her voice.

“Finally, I am rubbing off on you a bit. I tend to do that to people. Not sure if it’s a good or bad thing. We’ll find out in time, haha.” Jackie says with childish enthusiasm as she always does.

They go back to the car with bags of snacks and the ticket, of course.

“This is going to be a celebration like I have never had before. More like, like no one but us will ever have. I feel privileged  to be here to experience this with you, Olivia.”

“I’m really nervous, but this feels like it’s the right thing to do. I think other people would do the same thing. Part of me feel immoral for doing this, but the other part thinks: in the end I will do a lot more good than evil in this world.” Jackie says, then stars blankly like she always does when she is deep in thought.

“I think you need to stop thinking for just awhile. Stop overthinking too. That would help. Learn to let whatever happen, and if you mean well, things will come back to you as they should have eventually. We all bear scars, some more than others. But I have noticed, the most decorated with them, end up always giving the most. You’re different, Olivia. So don’t expect anyone to think, behave, write or speak like you. Let go of expectations in general. Nothing is definite in life anyway.”

“You always make me go back to being rationale. Thanks Jackie. Once again, I owe you for making me avoid another panic attack inside my head. Haha. You should be a life coach or something. I feel like that what you are to me, and I hope I am not draining you when I speak of such things.” Olivia asks in an indirect manner.

“You don’t drain me. You inspire me, my dear. And I inspire you. Isn’t that one of the greatest gifts of friendship?”

“It is. It is, indeed.” Olivia admits.

They wait for the numbers that night. Not feeling as if the situation they pictured in their heads would actually become a reality. Eating ice cream, snacks, and reading like they always did together. Then the reality sunk in as the numbers were announced. Olivia looked as if she was about to faint at first.

“It…it…is…” Olivia mutters.

“Hold on!” Jackie shrieks as she pulls the bean bag chair behind Olivia’s back. “Here’s some water, drink it slow.”

Olivia is looking pale, hyperventilating, but somehow her breaths are slowing down each time Jackie says: it’s going to be okay.

“I’m hap….happy. I…I…just can’t believe it actually happened Jackie!” And she finally lets out a smile, one that Jackie will never forget.

“You’re going to change the world with that smile, my dear.” Olivia says with tears in her eyes.

 

 

Don’t Come Back to Me

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When your mouth can no longer

Swallow your own words

Don’t come back to me

When your ears can no longer hear anything but regret

Don’t come back to me

You lied to me

I had to leave vulnerably empty

Left with an emotional dichotomy

And now it feels like I am a particle of dust

Getting stomped upon by all your bluffs

But who ends up never having enough?

Who ends up attracting only lust?

 

You must have thought I was too tired

To get up and leave

You must have thought you could say anything to me

Well how did it feel to lose control?

Had to lie about who really left

to keep playing your role?

Now you act scared of me

as you dig your own hole?

Should be scared of yourself

No one else…

 

When your thoughts can no longer make sense out of all your unhappiness

Don’t come back to me

When you can’t sleep because dreams of me repeat

Don’t come back to me

You looked in my eyes

With such animousity

Left me alone

So you could drown sorrows

in a bottle of whiskey

Hope the narrative you spin

Crushes apart your reality

Then maybe

Someone can finally

break down your fallacy

I tried

Until it almost ended me.