She was fighting a devil kind of a man. The one who wouldn’t let her go without a fight but not in a romantic way. Not in the way you see in the movies. No one understood so she just kept trying to explain, while suffocating on her own words. His face was everywhere in crowds, his eyes were everywhere and his ears were always listening. He programmed her triggers neurologically, like a computer would with a code. It was almost involuntarily when she reacted. It was almost as if she was his slave even out of his presence.
Those hands were playing puppet master as she tried to escape the strings, only to end up appearing as a tangled mess. And that was the plan. To make her grievances sound so delusional, no one would believe someone could possibly go to such lengths to torment someone. But it’s amazing what rejection and jealousy can do to a man. It’s amazing what people will do for control over other people’s emotions.
She was once helpless. Torn to little bits of pieces and then pieces of little bits until she forgot who she was. Everyone she loved told how awful she was by everyone he told how awful she was to. The cycle went on for the sake of preserving his own mask. And she hated herself, blamed herself, shackled herself to the walls of the depths of a shameful despair so he could live this facade. She lost blood, an unlived life, her health and her happiness was no longer a priority: survival was.
And yet some still believed all the puppet masters. Until their faces appeared on front page news, until something horrific happened, until she showed some kind of undeniable proof. Proof which could be seen by their judgmental eyes but at the cost of scaring hers. And yet no one hardly asked: how many nights did she have to cry for no good reason? How many nights did she have to feel disbelieved and unloved? One too many. So she asks with a silenced whisper to just let her be. Just let her be.
Time has been ticking, ticking by
You chose the girls at the bar
While I asked why?
Cuz’ you were the guy I thought was from the sky
But now too much time has been tickin’ by
I’m done letting out a sigh
You had your chance
Left an aftermath
Let me cry
So I’ve been done trying to figure out why
So I said goodbye
Then dressed up for a bloodbath
Watched you drink your whiskey fast
Your nightmares will never pass
No one will love you until their last…
Will last years
You lost something
Few could come near
You lost something
Because you couldn’t shed a tear
Time has been ticking, ticking on
You never could see their wrongs
Cuz’ you were the guy who wanted to belong
But now your girl is gone
Too much time has been tickin’ on
I’ve been done playing along
You had the skies
Her eyes sang like a song
Now I have been wondering why your love always dies?
It was never a surprise
You wanted to despise
Try to construct my demise
All for a new prize
Full of lies
Both so full of lies.
Some people think they can dim your light by trying to extinguish it. No, sorry. Here’s an idea for some people of all paths in real life and on the internet: stay away from those you don’t like. Don’t date them, friend them, follow them, comment on their stuff or even talk about them. It’s really that simple.
Don’t answer an ex who is looking for a reaction. Don’t tell off a bad friend either if they did something awful. Most people will deflect it all upon the survivor. Just ignore it. Ignore it all until they think you are dead. Until they think they “won” the adolescent inspired battle of who can hurt who the most. Find other healthy ways to handle processing the experience but do not give power to the toxic people who want to see you weakened.
Opt out of the game before you waste energy. There are people who want to suck the life out of you then laugh as you crawl away. They need help facing the reasons why the feel the need to do this to other people. You could ask why but they usually blame you entirely. Just play dead if you want like I do. Be done with it all because no one deserves to be treated like they are a nothing. Please don’t let bullies and toxic people make you feel as if you deserve to be treated like dirt. It speaks volumes about ones character when they think they deserve respect without ever giving it. And no matter how isolated you feel at times as a survivor of toxic people, just know you are not alone. Imagine all those who feel the same and be grateful you can feel empathy. Be grateful you don’t go around hurting others for a sense of power. Love yourself for being a target of toxic people, for they wouldn’t target you if they didn’t see your light as a threat to their facade. ❤
Good luck finding the one crawling through fire
Mister no real desire
In a selfish smog
Then dust comes up
Falls like fog
Can’t smell your own dirt
Can’t face who you hurt
False validating his self worth
So he closes the curtain
Pretends a rebirth
Same old cycle
Might as well prepare the hearse
Such a sad life to live with a toxic thirst
Such loyalty to give
To those who want to watch you burst
Right into flames
It’s all the same
Run to the bar
Find a girl to claim
Love bomb her
Then tell her she’s all to blame
When you pretend with the same ol’ game
Good luck finding the one crawling upon the sun
Mister no real fun
Deflection by megatons
In a road now undone
Designated for done
Thinks he always won
But can’t see the hate from everyone
Such a sad life to end before it begun
Away from the love you shun
Now you can live the lies in the web you spun
I’m fine being no one…
In the end what is lost is lost. There is no getting it back between the fires lit to watch her burn. She has now become the embers, her wings turning white then red. And her reddish glow will be seen by all those who move with fear in their hearts. Watch them run from the pain they cause others. They created a demise out of their putrid smelling tongues. Then easily infected the already diseased with thoughts that led to nothing but the destruction of humanity through the destruction of compassion.
She is like a fallen angel. Sent to fight the vile which walks upon this earth with a different kind of vile. All the while knowing she will be sent to the same abyss. Her wings partially clipped until the battle comes. Her eyes sullen but waiting to be filled with such a wrath, that evil will see it as a sweet end. Reap what you sow she whispers as they part like the seas for all the fallen angels. But for now, their walk will be tiring. It’s as if an invisible weight is wrapped around their ankles for an eternity. She will watch and wait to release the chains as they did to her. And when she does, freedom will not be granted, but rather placed under the chin so a sweet smell with tease their senses until the smell of rotting flesh follows. Their future will be filled of rot before the devil even takes their soul forever. For all the suffering they have caused, they will suffer a thousand times more in hell.
There was no one in sight. Just the sight of loss so big it could have squashed the entire universe with its eyes. She bled, she laughed manically, raised her fists in anger, then bled again. The once pretty pink bathroom was now the darkest shade of red. She sat in it for hours, crying over the toilet, imagining where it went through the pipes. Imagining it going with the rest of lost souls who ever had a chance, clinging onto the metal, and trying to get back to her.
You son of a….then she stopped. So exhausted, hate wasn’t even a possibility anymore. She could plan so many revenge plots in her mind but it didn’t matter. It would only destroy her more. Besides, he would be his own undoing in a matter of time. And maybe she would be lucky enough to see the fall of a man who couldn’t care for anyone but himself. Maybe then he would realize the harm he has inflicted upon others. She no longer cares if it was intentional or not. Eventually she hope it will just stop. Just stop, and good can prevail.
She was alone now but it was better than not being loved. He already found another bar girl to take home before she even moved out. She was just one of many it seemed, now living in the remnants of a kind of hell he left behind. She sat in the pink bathroom for a while, waiting for the walls to become bright again. Filled up the tub, cleaning every inch of herself until he was no longer a piece of her.
So many parts were broken now but she slowly started fixing each one. She gained weight, ate with ease, and hugged her cats. Her clothes no longer reeked of a smoke-filled house but like fresh daisies. And nothing mattered but saving herself now. Nothing felt the same the night the bathroom turned red. Perhaps those lifeless eyes were meant to open hers but she still wishes she could have been the savior. And that thought will linger for a lifetime in her mind but will never even cross his.
I had a dream the other night. I was sleeping in the most beautiful white bed surrounded by white roses. Suddenly, the roses turned black as I started having a nightmare. You slept peacefully as I thrashed around violently. Crying and kicking my feet in the air, I was fighting for my life. Trying to throw off all the past, attempting to crush everything around me including you.
You woke before I did. Left instead of waiting to comfort me. So angered at the battles in my sleep, you decided I wasn’t worth it anymore. After you moved my belongings to our empty pool, I woke up in tears. There were now bars over the windows and cameras on me to keep me out. You chained my leg to a ball, so when I stood up to find you I fell on my knees. Crawling like a baby, I found you by the back door.
You outstretched your hand like you were going to forgive me but then pointed outside. Go to the pool, you demanded. I crawled all the way there as you watched me struggle. I took one last look into your dark eyes, then started to stare vacantly into the night sky. Every night I tried to focus on the moon and stars as I watched you invite the new woman inside.
I curled up in the middle of the empty pool, that was now filled with all my things and my cats. They huddled around me to keep me warm. Eventually it didn’t feel as cold and empty anymore. Eventually I didn’t even notice the big house, the other woman, or the beautiful bed. I.even tried not to think about how you left me with a chain on my foot in your empty pool. I knew I tried my best to love you. Tried to fight in my nightmares but it was never enough. And if it wasn’t enough, you were never able to accept my love anyway. I left you one white and one black rose at the door, then disappeared from your view forever.