Wheels and the Disablers Part Three

Today is a new day. Miss Wheels thought. And they haven’t broken me down yet. They won’t. I’m already full of messed up bones and screws. I’m one step away from robotic legs someday. Maybe they’ll have rocket blasters in them so I can buzz over my enemies houses and throw nerf balls all over their lawns. Haha.

Wheels had given up on focusing on karma. That’s the beauty of it: it delivers with no intervention.

She had been punishing herself though for so long for the misdeeds of other people. She had isolated herself from going places that she felt would trigger a painful event from the past. But the truth is, if the right people are around to protect you, you do not need to worry. So slowly, Wheels began coming out of her safe haven. She slowly began doing things with her family again, hoping to remember what it was like to be able to enjoy oneself. Especially without having to be around irresponsible people.

Can’t you just hold your pee longer? His voice still echoes in her head with that question. Wheels was in a wheelchair, ready to pee herself and a past lover asked that question. She felt like an inconvenient animal and that feeling still resonates to this day. Then he “mingled” into the crowd, leaving her with strangers for help.

Now everytime she goes to an event, she is afraid to ask for help. She has become programmed to think of her condition as an annoyance for others. But a little ray of hope shines through when strangers or those around her, remind her she is not a burden.

This is what it must feel like getting older. This is why so many vulnerable people become miserable. How can I help when I can someday and shine a little ray of hope to these hopeless people? I use to do it over the phone and I miss it so much. I really do. It kills me every day I cannot function because I just want to help people and have my purpose back. Wheels thinks as tears roll down her face.

I have to find my tribe. I have to find people who are like me so together we can be strong. Sometimes you cannot do things alone. Sometimes it takes a little help.

It was that night Wheels finally reached out to some long lost friends. It was that night she decided to be vulnerably transparent everywhere with her struggles. And the universe brought her, her tribe. All the broken, poor, used, bruised, lost souls of the universe for a reason: to be helped and help in return.

Crumbling into Empowerment

It won’t be funny

When I start to crumble

Like a sculpture that once had

Everyone in awe of its beauty

Being slowly eroded by a bay

Hands and feet first to go

Feeling like death

When the wind blows

Turns me to ashes

Ask God to take me, I know

I try to be grateful

But I need heaven

Too many foes

Are around this town

Trying to keep me down

Don’t want to see me smile

Only happy when I frown

All because the fake clowns

Think they’re justified

While acting like hounds

Really shackled by their own ways to bound

All of the silent pretty voices

Afraid to make a sound

Afraid to make a sound

——-

And this was all meant to destroy me

But I’m still trying to stand

Please ignore me

I have the right to tell my story

And be in command

Inbetween this epitome

Of what you left of me

Broken feet and fallac memories

Oh, broken feet and fallac memories

———-

It won’t be funny

When I start to cry

I’m fighting the pain

And don’t know why

Sometimes I look right up to the sky

Looking for Angels

Heaven knows I try

This situation is killing me inside

Insides feeling like they’re burning alive

Glad I found others who don’t want to hide

They keep me going in the darkest of times

So spread your light like a beacon of strength

Oh, don’t forget to dry your tears

They say are fake

No one can ignore us together

We’ll send a quake

Through this mad world

Disarm those who spread hate.

She Won’t Be Badly Enabled Anymore

“I don’t want someone else to enable you.” He said.

“What do you mean? Can you elaborate?” She asked.

“I mean in a good way.” He finally admitted.

She wanted to cry and smile at the same time. Finally, there were some words of truth. Finally, they spewed out in a childlike manner after he spent over a week taking away some of her gifts his parents bought her and punishing her for finally acting how he did for months. Even going so far as to accusing her of taking advantage when his parents helped because she was accepting of them; an accomplishment he could never obtain. Always squashing their beliefs as if they meant nothing in drunken rampages, feeling no emotion as his Mother cried on the phone. Lying to create narratives so he could obtain more money or the facade of always being the victim. Always biting the hand that enabled him, believing it would buy himself a kind of independence as well? No, little man boy. It never would. You had it all in your hand at the end of the road because in this world: money does equal power. Underneath it all, they did believe in your ability, invested in your future, and instead of believing in yourself: you chose to focus upon the past. You always have chosen to hold a grudge when there are others who receive no support, only demeaning comments and are forced to hold their heads up high while the world seemingly shouts it down. Congratulations on slamming down those who have had less opportunity than you as well.

It only punishes yourself in the end. Shackles your mind to losing the woman who actually cared and “secretly” seeking the promiscuous bar girl before true love even moved out. It only shackled your mind to enabling the people who loved you to fall with you. It only created a self-punishment through a kind of bottle and pill-induced amnesia so you could forget how you treat those who do love you. She doesn’t forget. It still hurts and haunts her dreams.

And she cannot take on the blame anymore. She cannot be your enabler in that manner if there is truly love there. She has to move on and stand her ground unlike your toxic friends and the women who actually will use you. She hopes you chose to save yourself in the end. She hopes you will end up creating boundaries, going on adventures instead of to bars, and accept the past cannot be changed. Then maybe, it could make you a more moral, upstanding, and beautiful person that exists buried beneath the misplaced rage. Chose life, not destruction. Take it from her: it will never be easy, but it’s better than living in the past.

A little Fun Out of a Trashy Proposal

I hope the bar kinda love was worth it

Lying men deserve it

Don’t come around here

Like Tom Petty would say

Your trash smells from a mile away

Screwed everyone in town

But no one can keep you down

Put a ring on my finger

In the ultimate clown

Kind of way

Passed it over the cup holder, then you said hey?

Make my best friend jealous in every way

I didn’t even know what to say

Thought you were joking in a typical insensitive way

Never would have married you

Oh, the white trash proposal that day

 

 

No wonder we clashed

It was such trash

Go past my laugh

Rather deal with my own wrath

Have fun dealing with the aftermath

Of bar sleezies and your past

I just laugh

Now I just have to laugh

 

 

I hope her coke aged face was worth it

Looks like she’s in her late twenties

But barely pushing past her twenty first, and

She’s got that dumbfounded look

Errr, so observant

An adolescent like mind

So attractive to a adult person?

Eyes so squinted she can barely see into her oversize purse

Everyone has had her at her worst

You just had to go and quench your thirst?

Next day you’re begging me to stay

It was probably the worst

Love you ever had

Now she’s made you mad

Have fun dating yourself

Really its sad

Hope you gave her my necklaces

Cuz she’ll need something classy

To get rid of that sweat off her neck

After she screws all of your buddies

Such a trashy story, it’s funny

Now I’m grateful I can turn it into comedic history.

Miss Scared

It’s like the world out there becomes foreign and you feel like the thin pane of glass separating you from it could shatter. And a swarm of the worst things you could imagine captures you.

I’m so scared. I’m so scared every single day to go out there. She thinks.

Sometimes she will tell herself, this is the day you get over it. But that pane of glass, that door, has now turned into more over the years.

You know I know when you leave, right? His voice still echoes in her mind like yesterday even though he’s not even here anymore.

She opens the door, closes it, opens it again and peeks through the hallway. Is anyone out there who cares? She thinks as she shuts the door again. Lies down in front of it like an animal, waiting for its owner.

God, I hate myself for being this way.

And a soothing voice in her mind always replies: It’s not your fault.

But what if I finally yelled back?

Every single person has a breaking point. People who really love you, don’t try to destroy you and make you defend yourself. That’s not loving someone. That’s what you do to someone you’re envious or resentful of. Who wants that kind of hatred in their life? No one in the right mind.

I just keep trying to punish myself. Stay in these walls. Stay where they told me, do what they want, and it’s just me left. Why am I feeling like I was programmed? Why can’t I just run out of here, scream at the top of my lungs and be over it all. Why? She mutters barely before starting to sob.

There, there. It’s okay. The most important thing is left: you. You have you, my dear. Do you understand how much you’ve endured? No, not yet. Your brain is giving you pieces of what happened for a reason. It’s trying to not overwhelm your mind. As frustrating as it might be, this is normal. You never had time to process it all. That’s why you are so scared of that world out there breaking your glass shell. But there will come a time when nothing will scare you anymore and you’ll break that shell to pieces.

I wish that was now. I just want to be out there with the people who love me. I just want to feel anything but pain. I just want to love someone again and know they love me. I just want my life back. Thank you, God, my angel, or whatever you are for at least being with me. For at least breaking up some of this pain.

I am part of your voice, my dear. So imagine how strong you will be for others in the future. You don’t realize, the unkind are scared of your kindness. Your story, your knowledge, your experience could help the silenced, vulnerable, and hurt people in this world. There’s nothing more terrifying to those who inflict pain than those who help heal the survivors.

We Live In a Denial Society

For years, I’ve suffered with pain. Pain everywhere. Pain when I wake, sleep, and even do the things I love. As the years went by, it became more difficult to just block out. And it led me to all this: a beautiful downward spiral. A mind and body shaking in pain, but I would rather feel it all than nothing at all. Denial isn’t sitting well with me, lately.

I don’t think of having issues as scary, chaotic, and feel as much shame about it anymore. I took calls from people at a previous job, and heard many say “I’m so lonely, sad, and just want someone to talk to who understands.” I would sit and listen to these stories which all had the same endings: sitting in pain, solitude, and shame. I’m here to tell people, you are not a diagnosis, weak, or forgotten. Although, I can’t say your names, there hasn’t been a day where I don’t remember the stories. You are a person who has so much strength and power with your story you don’t even realize it. I think in the back of my mind, I held onto these stories to remind myself I can make a difference someday. And I hope I can find the right people to help with this vision.

One voice cannot fight the epidemic of drugs, alcohol, mental health, lack of quality of care, lack of housing options and suicide in this country. And all these issues are causing some to go into a denial, escapist-like state. I understand. Instead of helping yourself or those around you its easier to try to escape reality. It’s easier to grab that bottle, smoke that blunt, grab that smartphone, and imagine a world that doesn’t exist.

But there’s comes a time where some of us are going to have to help the vulnerable and wake up. The pain cannot be ignored in this country any longer. Politics aside, there are people suffering and funding needs to go directly to their needs somehow. No more fake help, fake empathy, and empty words. No more denial of reality. There’s no way out of the shadows but through the dark. And I hope I can find a way to lead those into the light with me.

Healthy Positivity vs. Toxic Positivity

A new attitude has taken over social media and the behavior of some people: the toxic positivity attitude. What do I mean? Let me explain with this simple analogy. Say you’ve decided to wear your nicest clothes and while walking on the sidewalk you get splashed by a car because of a plugged street drain? Now if you’ve rewired your brain to be full of toxic positivity, you’ll probably get over this in a very short period of time, and maybe even buy new clothes. If you’re a a healthy person who is able to validate your own feelings, rather than dismiss their existence: you’ll probably take yourself to the nearest bathroom, try to clean up the mess, and look not so happy. You’ll also accept the fact this happened and it isn’t going to put a smile on your face, but that’s okay. You know why? Because sometimes it is okay to have normal reactions to unfortunate events. Right?

Isn’t it overwhelming to attempt to have a grin plastered on your face when you are in an uncomfortable social situation? Isn’t it awkward when you see someone who seems to always be in a great mood, secretly crying in the restroom? We’ve all seen it. Most people uncomfortably run from their emotions and others as well. Some have decided this is the path to positivity and I think it’s a path to a denial of reality.

You can’t appreciate the light if you have not faced the dark. As cliche as it sounds, it is undeniably true. Those who face reality are often labeled by these toxic positivists as: “too negative, pessimistic, cynical, not fun, and a downer.” So be it. Their strength was not forged out of unicorns and rainbows, but out of introspection, observance, awareness and realism.

When we accept as a society phrases like get over it, be positive and anything is possible, just be full of bliss, and just see the greatness in the world, what are we doing? We are not only diminishing our right to feel normal reactions but also the right for others to feel normal reactions. This pressure is immensely painful to place upon those who are already suffering with facing obstacles in their life which can cause health, financial, or personal consequences. It can contribute to this unrealistic expectation cycle where they feel as if something is wrong with their outlook, when in fact something is wrong with the person who bottles up their darkest emotions instead of accepting them. Instead of accepting it as part of the journey of life. And as humans, we should not be transfixed into feelings only positive emotions. It is not the way to real, mature, healthy transcendence. Thank you.