That’s It.

That’s it

I’m up to here

Now I’m gonna spit to so straight

You’re gonna bleed from your ears..

Mother f**ker, I ain’t broke that’s a joke..

I gave away everything to everyone and spoke…

so little about it…

I’m bathed in fear now

No one near now…

But when I feel okay to step to public sphere, ya

everyone will run with their fears, ya…

cuz I have been waiting for years…

and all tha bickering coming from you

you think I don’t hear…

It seems like it’s a mile away

but it’s s been really quite clear…

tends to smolder my mind with hatred

encapsulate it in fear…

and my name is going to appear…

on every billboard from Broadway to Sunset…

so you walk away

as if you have your heart set…

as if you played no role in my mother fn descent

when you were never worth a cent

And now you must repent…

Or be left behind

to the daily grind…

having suckas now tell you,

you’re broke all tha time…

Ya, So that’s it

You’re gonna hear it

the big voice you didn’t want to hear spit

Yup, that’s right you’re gonna hear it

tha big voice in your ears is gonna spit

Cuz’ there’s no point to walking up to a stage

in a maze, trying to complete a phrase

and everyone’s eyes just look away

You see I’ve known that my minds blown

but I want those eyes on me

drawn to me

Feel the sweat and pain I put into these…

rhymes…

cuz’ it was never about tha time spent

it was always just a way for me to vent…

All this crippling air around me….

And I don’t expect anyone to know me

I don’t expect anyone to see what I deal inside of me

When they can’t even be kind to themselves…

 

Ya, that’s it

I’m up in here…

gonna drench you in your own fear

you gaslighting King of Kings…

Your fake talkin’,

fake playing your stings…

in my ears

for years

And I’m sure you have a list of others

still trying to drown it out…

Cuz’ motherf**ker I am ain’t broke..

you made me dope…

Thanks for all the confusion and black smoke…

Cuz’ I’d rather be broke and own everything I have

Then have to cloak,

when the collectors start calling cuz’ your ass over-spoke…

Oh, now who’ll be the victim?

Who’ll be running to me when I should show you lead?

But I bleed, with my mind unable to sleep in my bed….

That’s it

I’m up to here

Now I’m gonna spit to so straight

You’re gonna bleed from your ears..

Mother f**ker, I ain’t broke that’s a joke..

I gave away everything to everyone and spoke…

so little about it…

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The Woman Who Lost it All (A Fictional Short Story)

She sits on her leather sofa they just bought a year ago, thinking “oh how I once worried about what color this is. Now I just want to get rid of it for free.” Caressing the leather, she imagines she isn’t even there but rather in another state, in a new house, with a new man, and her beautiful children treating him as if he is their blood. Over and over she tells herself it isn’t too late to fight for what she has always wanted; peace.

Their pictures are everywhere. Old memories once kept her sane, but now make her think she is headed inside a straight jacket. His scent is everywhere. All over her clothes especially. She has spent the entire day re-washing everything. Almost symbolic in a way, cleansing the filth of his wrongdoings off of her. So much blame, she says to herself. So much blame I have taken on to get to this point. All the introspection, day and night, beating myself up for what? To be forgotten. What happened to not giving up on someone? These days she perceives everyone as on the go, on to the next, and rather than fixing what is wrong, finding the new thing that might feel right for an evening or two.

Where do I get my faith? Do I ask god why this happened to me?Or rather just face the fact he would rather kiss the lips of another than mine. Why? She asks. In my head, he is still like a god. I still love the part  of him I first locked onto. How could he make it all go away? So quickly? Why can’t i?

She is convinced her heart is a fool or it is derived from gold. She chooses the gold because it makes it easier to hope. Hope for herself and hope for her children to grow up with a male figure who teaches them how to play ball, treat women, and straighten their tie. She wishes it could have been him but some play roles rather than living them.

The kids will be home shortly. So should he, but maybe he won’t be. He will probably call and say he is late at the office but she knows where he will be now. Thanks to a good friend at the restaurant, the reservation isn’t unnoticed. All bad deeds come to a bad end. Sometimes they just need a push into the end part so the dignity and esteem of the innocent remains intact.

She knew something was wrong when she tried to use the credit card last week but the credit line was used up. An expensive purchase, a ring, she waited for it last week but it never came for her. She thought it could be hidden around the house but after two days of searching there was minimal hope. She ponders: Why are my dreams always sold away to the desperate girl who would love a towel? That is not love. To be so desperate for someone to take care of you, is never love. I spent my life bearing his children, cleaning his underwear, cooking his food, and paying for a house I cannot even stand in without wanting to cry. I deserve that ring or no one will have it.

It is five thirty. The reservation is for 6. She kisses her children, tells the babysitter it will be a while, then leaves. The sound of the rain upon her windshield reminds her there are some things out of her control; like the weather. Like in life but she would have it no other way. Forget the umbrella she mutters. I want to feel the rain. For so long he kept it out, hid it inside, and now there is a storm.

She is on a mission. Briefcase in hand. Her soon to be ex husband, is desperately trying to woo a young lady after his wallet. Risking his children minds, money, his wife, and the rest of his life for what? An empty mind which needs to be developed. The girl knows better, she wants an easy way out. They both are in the wrong.

She sits down. Rests the briefcase upon the table. Everyone is suddenly still. They think there is a bomb, but no it is a lie detector. She tells him to put his finger in it like it has been in other places it shouldn’t have. Question by question she writes down the results in front of the other woman. For some reason it doesn’t bother her this man is a complete liar. Disgusting, the wife thinks. The crowd in the background is roaring with excitement. They think this is some kind of reality tv show like cheaters. She ensures them it is, knowing people will fall for anything their own mind creates.

At the end, she asks the other woman, knowing he is a liar for years, do you still want this man? The woman says, he won’t lie to me. Noticing the ring on the table, the wife quickly snatches it up and says well then if you are so greedy, why don’t you just eat this ring? If you can swallow it, you can keep it. Their faces are lined up, and the wife aggressively pops the ring into her mouth, makes her swallow it and says well that will be a memorable proposal. And by the way, hunny, could you sign these divorce papers? He quickly does and she is on her way.

The home is still riddled full of his memories and an occasional scent, but she laughs thinking of the last time she saw him. The woman, the ring, the detector, the crowd, and the papers. Her children are playing in the pool, as if nothing has happened. She thinks, I did it soon enough. She watches her new husbands muscle definition as he scrapes the pool, smiling at her children, then running to fetch a band aid after one of them falls to the ground. She thinks again, there is hope in people if they have it in themselves. Glad I never lost myself completely.

You Were Nothing Like Me

You were nothing like me

like God created women and man

you created me out of the epitome

of your own sorrow

so you could borrow

my soul

only to leave it blackened

but still burning like a pile of cinders

beneath your feet

you will drop down to your knees

as the sparks fly into the sky

and away from the lie

you created out of yourself…

There is no way to extinguish

my pain

the memories will become clearer

as I gain

a kind of sanity

you blocked from my reality

the time lost

will become well spent

cuz’ never will I repent my sins

to a man who avoids his….

never will I give my soul

to a man who cannot give his…

never will I bind myself up

and not call it was it is…

a game of betrayal…

with a unsincere kiss.

The Things You Said

If you said those things to me

and they were true

I might as well make a noose

and hang myself until blue…

but their not true…

they no longer turn me blue

and I cannot sit here

and watch all the rainbow of colors

turn into a select few…

and before you came along

I sang to  a song

inside my head

but there you had to go

pumping your lead

riding your horse

then taking off the saddle

when you offered me a ride…

only to make me hide

in the nap of the mane

cuz’ no one can tame

my spirit…

so take the lasso

the haircut I bought for you

the gas I blew threw

the money i spent on you

and burn it

cuz it never existed

I’ll never miss it

I’ll never wonder if I made you kiss

the bruises left behind

if in time you’d see how blind

your mind was wrapped in twine

never to be mine.

 

 

 

The Angry Man

Did I look down

see an address on my chest?

Did you suddenly own me

and I became depressed?

Why yes I say

I don’t play that game

you had my head in circles

the minute your feet came

through the door

then out to the parking lot

late night drinking

it didn’t mean a lot

you wanted to escape your own reality

and in an essence you made mine so cold you see…

how could I not want to tear you down?

What did you give me from day one?

a frown.

Screw your entitled attitude

you’re a felon with a cause

blowing away other people’s confidence

instead of building yours

Go back to the 50’s

when women cooked and cleaned

and made babies

cuz you words spit verses

that carry on like hearses

but to your own funeral you ride

you make a cocktail

that could kill anyone’s insides…

you should be off the market

like a car with a catalytic recall

you acted available

but your brain was too screwed

to kick a ball

ruined your serotonin

with too many drug binges

held onto the pieces

but the puzzle never makes a picture

so you go to scripture

but the words never become clearer

cuz you keep takin’ your meds

takin’ the easy way out instead….

Did I look down

see an address on my chest?

Did you suddenly own me

and I became depressed?

Why yes I say I became a mess

your words cut through my skin

until I couldn’t care about my own flesh…

go back to the 50’s when women just popped out babies

cuz men like you end up in their own cages.

 

Enlightenment

He sips his drink…the cigarette meets the end of his fingers yet he has no idea it has reached the filter. Just like his life, he cannot shake it is the end of the smoke, for it cleared already and the pain he feels is of his own making. Hold the cigarette tightly, then light, then puff, then put it out. Just like life it must have a course of action. It must be attended to or else it will sting. The same conclusion will happen with no action over and over again until there is nothing left but burned fingertips. Light, puff, then put it out. Please for the sake of your own sanity put it out. Don’t fall into the abyss like so many others for it is easier to give up then it is to continue to go straight. And how can you love someone who doesn’t love themselves? How can you breath their last breath for them? You can’t. You can only sit and watch the pain they self inflict upon themselves as well as you for caring. I may care too late sometimes but forgive me if there is a god for I have lived in fear and it is all I have known. But I am tired of excuses. I am tired of this life full of fear, shame, avoidance, and guilt. I don’t expect anyone to save me from it when they cannot save themselves.We all have turmoil. Some hide it well, others display it on a platter for the world to see. I don’t care anymore if  my makeup isn’t done, my clothes don’t match, my heart is in the right place. I ask if there is a superior being to help me achieve some kind of enlightenment for it has been too long fighting the negative forces around me. I see where I went wrong, I see where others go wrong, I try to help them and myself but really all that matters is what energy I expel. I hold onto my own hand as if it is the last time I will feel my pulse in my wrist for tomorrow is unknown. Life is beautiful enough, and I hope someday I can feel as if I don’t have to speak any words to someone, just feel their embrace and know all the pain was worth it. I love too much, lost too much, but live no regrets for regrets do nothing but hold the spirit down.

He Holds

He holds a heart

all mangled up

like ground beef

but serves it like filet mignon

hopes you’re so tired you play along

hoping you’ll just sing the same song

create a different dance…

but you tend to glance

over at the people having more fun…

At first

you do

you take it all in

and through you

then repeat, repeat, repeat…

until your heart is like his

all beat…

mangled…

unable to complete..

a thought without it angled

in perfect tune

with his erratic brain waves

 

And he holds his hand

as if its not his own

He holds his head

as if his neck has one bone…

He holds up the sky

as if he created it…

then sails the sea

as if he put the water in it…

but he will learn

we are all creatures of a storm

trickling to our hearts

there can be an over pour

of crimson proportions

and we all must face our demons

to endure a kiss

that’s worthy of love

pure bliss…