Random Past Relationship Realizations….

She sits there, remembering everything he said that made her feel inadequate.  Such an “advocate” for the abused, right? Watching the news, acting like Harvey Weinstein is the biggest piece of garage, then hypocritically calling some women just bodies. The last couple of boyfriends seemed to be this way. I always wanted to say: Hey.. everyone has a personality and isn’t just a body. It might be hidden beneath some layers, but it’s there. I always wanted to speak up and say this, but no. I felt like I was under a hypocritical, patriarchal, trance of lies and fears. Projections, deflections, gaslighting, all can make for a good relationship, right? That was sarcasm by the way. The real question I had: was it that difficult for these kinds of mentally unavailable men to love anyone? The answer: Yes. No empathy for anyone, including themselves. Hatred secretly spewing, while looking at their reflections, and telling you: you are their problem in life.

It was not me entirely, but I would tell myself this at first. Like a lot of abuse survivors. And for years, I would beat myself up in relationships with these kinds of hypocritical men. Being an empathetic, easy target. Easily telling myself everything was my fault like they would and really believing it too.

These false kind of “gentlemen” are so good at having absolutely no accountability. And they are so well versed in making themselves look perfect, while painting their victims as the “crazy” ones.  They are the ones who pose as a gentlemen in public, but belittle you behind closed doors. The guy who will do anything to maintain his image, even if it means losing unconditional love. So you realistically end up with two choices: you must, tarnish your own name and mind, full of self hatred, guilt, shame. Continue a brainwashed state of mind, a people pleasing attitude, deal with double standards, and one sided expectations. Or you stand up, even if it means not knowing where you’ll live, put your stuff, and if you can ever recover. That takes a lot of courage. To decide, I am worth getting away from the person I love but who lacks the compassion to love me back. It is as if they spiritually die and a part of you, dies forever with the idea of them. Then you are stuck with a piece of you, you must turn whole again yourself. But you know, you don’t regret trying to love the unlovable because the opposite would be to give up. To give up would be to partially become like them. And maybe I think there’s something special left in the world, when someone carries hope in some of the most hopeless of situations.

 

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